When cheating occurs both sides endure pain. Both sides feel theirs is greater. But whose is really? Can pain really be measured?
From my experience, the cheaters feel their pain is the same as their partners. They feel pain, loss, heartache, and failure. They feel dark, lost, alone, weak, and broken. They can’t believe they hurt someone who loved them.
More often than not a cheater doesn’t realize the depth of a partners love, until they see the pain their partner experiences when the cheating is revealed. In most cases, cheaters did not set into a relationship to cheat. At some point, needs were not being met. This does not justify cheating. Cheating is however a symptom of an already broken relationship. Things were broken long before an affair began.
Cheaters often wish the victim would quit talking about it or bringing it up. At times, cheaters are walking on eggshells with even the thought that their partner may be revisiting such bad memories. At other times the cheaters may appear nonchalant saying phrases like; “Get over it, Cant we move on already, Can we make up, etc.” Or perhaps the cheater plays that they are the victim.
Typically after finding out one has cheated, the story goes a little bit or a lot like this:
Cheater – I love you, I didn’t mean to hurt you.
Victim – Hind sight is 20/20. Thanks for showing me your version of love, jerk/b***h!
Cheater – I did it because ____, I did it because you didn’t ______, I did it because I was drunk/lonely.
Victim- There is NO excuse! Tell me the real reason please! Why wasn’t I worth the truth?
Cheater- How long will it take to get your forgiveness?
Victim – Can you be any more shallow? Can you exercise some patience here and help me clean up this mess you made before you ask such a ridiculous question. There is no time limit. I have no idea. I am still trying to figure out if I can even stand to be near you!
Cheater – Why are you always so negative now? Man you are in a bad mood!
Victim – Well, you should have thought of my mood when you did what you did. For wanting something positive you sure infected this relationship with your negativity. You did this! Not me!
Cheater – How do we move forward?
Victim – Move forward? I am still trying to figure out how I will survive today!
Cheater – This isn’t what I wanted. I wanted you. I didn’t want to hurt you!
Victim- Again, hindsight is 20/20. If you wanted me you should have been faithful. If you didn’t want to hurt me you would have been honest. You would have had some class, and character.
Cheater – He/She/They didn’t mean anything to me.
Victim – Wow, really? Sure means something to me now that I finally found out!
Cheater – How can I make things better?
Victim- I don’t know. But I do know your words mean nothing. You are a liar. Actions speak WAY louder! And your actions just spoke loud enough to last me a lifetime.
Cheater – Can you forgive me? What do you want?
Victim- I don’t know what I want! I don’t know anything anymore. Everything I thought I knew, I didn’t. I have been played the fool. This is SO embarrassing. Was any of this even real?
Cheater- Do you still love me?
Victim – Either doesn’t answer at all, or says I don’t know.
While the cheaters often carry guilt and pain, in my opinion it does not even compare to the pain that the betrayed partner carries. But I guess it truly would depend on the situation. Again, pain is hard to measure. (Everyone’s tolerance is so different.)
Once betrayed by a partner and the intimacy you once knew has been shared with someone else the entire relationship appears to have been a hoax. Nothing seems real. The betrayed feel violated emotionally, mentally, and sexually. You just feel dirty.
What doesn’t change is the amount of pain it inflicts on the faithful partner, the one who had hope and the one who believed. The one who never questioned anything.
Yeah, that one will forever be changed.