cheaters

13 Tell Tale Signs Of A Cheater, Is It Happening To You?

Signs of a cheater

The majority of people who suspect cheating probably should. Usually that is your instincts trying to tell you something.

Those who don’t suspect cheating in their relationship, should still have this knowledge. There are two reasons I suggest this. 1) It can happen to anyone, and 2) It’s not a bad thing to know what signs and symptoms to look for. Most people don’t know the signs of a cheater, until it is a little too late.

1.) Appearance – Has he/she taken more pride in personal appearance lately such as: new clothes, cologne/perfume, working out, new hairstyles etc.?  If they are getting all done up just for a trip to the grocery store or other trips that are out of the ordinary, then something is probably fishy. Granted, some people do naturally take pride in their appearance. With cheaters it is more of a sudden change in their normal patterns of getting ready, what they wear, how they look etc.

2.) Nit-Picking – Is he/she picking a fight just to get away or using the notorious “Time to think” or “I have some work to do at the office” excuse? Cheaters do this every day. They will literally pick a fight just so they have a reason to get away from you and do what they do…cheat!

3.) More Frequent Trips – Is he/she leaving the house more frequently? Granted this is not always the case. Work affairs happen so often and their time is mostly accounted for. 

4) Abandonment Technique – Is he/she leaving you with the children knowing you won’t drag them to check up on him/her? This is a common trick for married couples. Once the kids are in bed it makes it hard for the one left behind to check out anything questionable in their partners behavior.

5.) New Tunes – Is he/she listening to new music? Lyrics are crucial!!! Especially for ladies! We identify with songs as though they are the meaning of our own life and experiences. Now ladies, men are usually opposite on this one. They can truly listen to a song and think about absolutely nothing. 

6.) Internet – Is he/she on the computer a lot? If they are spending more time talking to and interacting with people on the internet than they are with you then it would be a huge flag. Where we invest our time speaks volumes as to which relationships mean the most.

7.) Uninvited – Is he/she doing things/activities and you are not welcome or even invited to attend? Some will purposely schedule or portray to schedule activities you detest because they know you will not want to go. (Call their bluff the next time and watch their reaction.)

8.) Unhappy – Has he/she mentioned unhappiness in the relationship in the last 6-12 months? Typically mentioning being unhappy with the relationship happens just before an affair begins. In a sense it is a cry for help. Or a warning call per say.

9.) Contacts – Are there any unusual numbers or contacts in his/her cellular phone or on the bill? Many men will make up a guys name and many females will make up a ladies name so that it appears to just be a text from a friend. Another one in this category is the mentioning of hanging out with the friend you have never heard of.

10.) Secretive – Has he/she been more secretive or distant? If you are communicating less and he or she is keeping to themselves more then that may be a flag.

11.) Depression – Has he/she recently suffered from depression? Depression can do many things to the mind. A simple compliment could carry the depressed person far away, into a land of hope. And boom, affair.

12.) Loss – Has he/she recently lost a loved one? Losing a loved one causes us to reevaluate our lives. Some develop a need to live as though they were dying themselves after losing someone close to them. 

13.) Changes In bedroom – Is there a sudden lack of interest or a sudden uncontrollable interest in sex? This too is an obvious sign. Affairs can play both sides however. But definitely question when new techniques or ideas appear.

So many affairs fly under the radar before being detected and these above mentioned things are very obvious signs. If you have answered yes to a few of these, you likely have some research to do about your partner.

Tips:Cheating

If they are on the computer a lot you can install spyware if you just need proof. This can also be added to their cellular phone.

If you have kids and can’t get away when they take off you can always hire a P.I. relatively cheap. And sometimes you can trick them in to coming clean without providing hardly any information.  9 times out of 10 people discover that the instincts that led them to question it in the first place, were right all along. 

There are plenty of ways to catch if you really want to know. Question is, can you handle the truth? Are you ready for the roller-coaster of emotions?

Whatever you do, do not let them manipulate you into thinking you are crazy for suspecting something. Dig and dig until the truth is revealed if that is what you are searching for.

Always remember, what is done in the darkness will always be brought to light.

 

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From Both Sides Of The Fence: Cheater vs. Victim

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When cheating occurs both sides endure pain. Both sides feel theirs is greater. But whose is really? Can pain really be measured?

From my experience, the cheaters feel their pain is the same as their partners. They feel pain, loss, heartache, and failure. They feel dark, lost, alone, weak, and broken. They can’t believe they hurt someone who loved them.

More often than not a cheater doesn’t realize the depth of a partners love, until they see the pain their partner experiences when the cheating is revealed. In most cases, cheaters did not set into a relationship to cheat. At some point, needs were not being met. This does not justify cheating. Cheating is however a symptom of an already broken relationship. Things were broken long before an affair began.

Cheaters often wish the victim would quit talking about it or bringing it up. At times, cheaters are walking on eggshells with even the thought that their partner may be revisiting such bad memories. At other times the cheaters may appear nonchalant saying phrases like; “Get over it, Cant we move on already, Can we make up, etc.” Or perhaps the cheater plays that they are the victim.

Typically after finding out one has cheated, the story goes a little bit or a lot like this:

Cheater – I love you, I didn’t mean to hurt you.

Victim – Hind sight is 20/20. Thanks for showing me your version of love, jerk/b***h!

Cheater – I did it because ____, I did it because you didn’t ______, I did it because I was drunk/lonely.

Victim- There is NO excuse! Tell me the real reason please! Why wasn’t I worth the truth?

Cheater- How long will it take to get your forgiveness?

Victim – Can you be any more shallow? Can you exercise some patience here and help me clean up this mess you made before you ask such a ridiculous question. There is no time limit. I have no idea. I am still trying to figure out if I can even stand to be near you!

Cheater – Why are you always so negative now? Man you are in a bad mood!

Victim – Well, you should have thought of my mood when you did what you did. For wanting something positive you sure infected this relationship with your negativity. You did this! Not me!

Cheater – How do we move forward?

Victim – Move forward? I am still trying to figure out how I will survive today!

Cheater – This isn’t what I wanted. I wanted you. I didn’t want to hurt you!

Victim- Again, hindsight is 20/20. If you wanted me you should have been faithful. If you didn’t want to hurt me you would have been honest. You would have had some class, and character.

Cheater – He/She/They didn’t mean anything to me.

Victim – Wow, really? Sure means something to me now that I finally found out!

Cheater – How can I make things better?

Victim- I don’t know. But I do know your words mean nothing. You are a liar. Actions speak WAY louder! And your actions just spoke loud enough to last me a lifetime.

Cheater – Can you forgive me? What do you want?

Victim- I don’t know what I want! I don’t know anything anymore. Everything I thought I knew, I didn’t. I have been played the fool. This is SO embarrassing. Was any of this even real?

Cheater- Do you still love me?

Victim – Either doesn’t answer at all, or says I don’t know.

While the cheaters often carry guilt and pain, in my opinion it does not even compare tothe_past_love the pain that the betrayed partner carries. But I guess it truly would depend on the situation. Again, pain is hard to measure. (Everyone’s tolerance is so different.)

Once betrayed by a partner and the intimacy you once knew has been shared with someone else the entire relationship appears to have been a hoax. Nothing seems real. The betrayed feel violated emotionally, mentally, and sexually. You just feel dirty.

What doesn’t change is the amount of pain it inflicts on the faithful partner, the one who had hope and the one who believed. The one who never questioned anything. 

Yeah, that one will forever be changed. 

For more info on signs of a cheater click here

Just Leave Tiger Woods Alone Already

This entire story breaks my heart. As if the family isn’t enduring enough pain already. This scandal has proved one thing. Tiger Woods is human. He makes mistakes just like the rest of us. So many are bashing him, when they too could have made the same mistakes. Any one of us could have. At the end of the day, we are all animals. We are all capable of this. It occurs in 70% of relationships.

Anyone in his position would have been vulnerable. Why is everyone bashing him verses the home-wreckers that seduced him? How could they not know that he was married? He is in fact, Tiger Woods. Granted, he shouldn’t have done those things. He should have had more character. But what about the ladies? What about the fact that they had no class or morals? It does indeed take two!

Obviously there are deeper issues beyond cheating. Cheating is typically a symptom of a troubled marriage. There are issues in the relationship long before it happens. And typically those issues are because of both people in the relationship. It takes two to make a relationship, and two to break it.

Perhaps everyone should picture themselves getting millions to do what they love, while always away from their family. While one is home taking care of the kids, the other is bringing home the bacon. Any relationship like that, will encounter problems and there will likely be adultery. It doesn’t matter who it is. And when relationships have issues, and peoples needs aren’t being met these kind of things happen. So lets let the family have a little privacy. Please?

If you don’t like something about someone, is it something you have suppressed that you once did?

*We are one another’s God-given mirror *

Everyone has heard the old sayings “What you don’t like in others, is what you don’t like about yourself.” “They are just your God-given mirror” etc. Is there truth to those? Could it be, that you too, were at one point guilty of the same behaviors that you don’t find appealing in someone else?

I believe that there is truth to those sayings. If you stop and think about it, most people can’t stand a liar! It’s not to say that they have never lied, heck I can’t think of a person in the world that hasn’t. I do feel, however, the reason most do not like liars is because they have suppressed the behavior, after having learned from their own negative experience with it. It produces nothing positive, and most that have experienced the repercussions of a lie, have no desire to experience them again.

Odds are, the person that despises a liar may perhaps tell little white lies to their spouse or a friend. Wether it be the true price of that newly purchased item, or how much the vacation REALLY cost, it happens. Or perhaps when they were a child, they lied. Perhaps they got caught and taught that such behavior isn’t acceptable.

Now take that “one friend” for example. He/She drives you absolutely nuts! What is it about them that drives you nuts? When you find it, which is sometimes very easy, think about what you have done in your life that resembles what they are doing. If you can’t think of anything you have done similar right off-hand, dig deeper! Go all the way back into your childhood, for as far back as you can remember. If you still haven’t come up with a situation that compares, then compare the emotions. What have you done that would cause someone else to feel the way this person is making you feel emotionally? There has to be something!

We are all capable of the same things. The same choices, the same dream, the same mistakes etc. Although I may not make the same decision as you in the exact situation you are in, and our circumstances at times may be different, it’s not to say that I wouldn’t ever make the same decision. It’s not to say that I have never made that decision at all. It simply says, either I have done it and suppressed the negative behavior, or I haven’t been placed in a situation yet, where I may make the same choice.

Can A Cheater Change Their Ways?

One a cheat always a cheat, right? I don’t agree. I believe that if there is an intervention that anyone can change. However, from personal experience, I have found that people most often change when they are uncomfortable. And I mean realllllly uncomfortable!

If you have just found out someone you love has cheated and you are only dating with no attachments such as children, run for the hills. The heartache you leave them with by turning your back will be the only hope for them to change. At least immediately anyway. By sticking around you are lowering your standards, and selling yourself short. You deserve better, and it’s out there somewhere.

If you do have children and it has happened, seek immediate counsel. This is crucial! If you believe in God I recommend a christian counselor because your relationship needs a prayer warrior. If you do not believe in God, look for a counselor with good credentials. Someone that has been doing it for 20+ years would be ideal. Once you set the appointment, GO! Following through is important or you will end up right back where you are right now.

If you do not figure out the cause, and they do not take responsibility, odds are it will happen again. And again. And again. They may try and convince you that they have learned this one time by seeing the pain that they caused you. This is seldom true! Don’t buy it!

They will make it up to you, just wait, you will see. Well, if that is promised, all you can do is let time tell you the answer. Once they have cheated, as you know, their words don’t mean much. Nothing seems to really.

You will earn your P.H.D. in forgiveness if you decide to stay. BUT, they will never learn all they need to know about it, unless you walk away. Even if it is only temporary.

Yes, it is possible to prove the saying “once a cheat always a cheat” to be incorrect, however, without intervention the saying would prove to be true.

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The Splinternet, Marriage, & Social Networking Sites

This gals shirt reads “Myspace ruined my relationship”


Many people know the dangers facing marriages these days due to social networking sites. The internet in a large percentage of families, could be better described as “The Splinternet.”

Many couples see no danger when they first create a profile on sites such as Myspace, Facebook, twitter etc. The problem however is that it is all to easy to lose sight of what is really important, your marriage. Especially if there is an issue of loneliness and companionship.

I think in order to eliminate the odds of cheating that both people should have active accounts. I feel that passwords should be shared. I know it may sound absolutely ridiculous, but it is not. Many can attest to the fact that they too, were damaged by the splinternet.

It is all to easy to start searching through your past, wondering why you and Billy Bob or Suzy-Q never ended up together. They are single or in a miserable marriage now, and well, your spouse doesn’t pay much attention to you. Heck, you can’t even remember the last time you had an orgasm you didn’t have to fake with your spouse. It’s been years since you heard “Hey beautiful!”, “You are amazing”, the list goes on and on.

When a marriage is already struggling (or not struggling in some cases) it can take something as simple as “You are beautiful” or “You are handsome, you haven’t changed a bit” and then likely the affair will begin. It will be innocent, at first. Just old friends catching up, no biggie. It’s just an innocent email, text, phone call or lunch! Aw, it’s just a reunion with some old school friends, why should you take your spouse when someone has to stay back to watch the kids?

I would like to think that at least 95% of cheaters, thought they would never cheat. Those that say they never will or would, probably haven’t lived long enough or have experienced it’s effects at some point in their life to have come to such a decision. Regardless of your opinion on the matter, you don’t know what you would do until you were in the situation. We are all capable of the same things, and not a soul on this earth is incapable of cheating.

So be careful! Families tearing apart causes excruciating pain as you know. If your spouse doesn’t have an account, you probably shouldn’t either. Spend the time with him/her, your children, and the things that truly matter. You had those years with those people, and these years with your children …. you will never get back. Do the right thing! If not, guilt will eat at you for years to come. The past is a past for a reason. Let it be just that, the past.

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Perspective

A change of perspective will change your direction.

© 2010 Angela Bininger
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