From Both Sides Of The Fence: Cheater vs. Victim

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When cheating occurs both sides endure pain. Both sides feel theirs is greater. But whose is really? Can pain really be measured?

From my experience, the cheaters feel their pain is the same as their partners. They feel pain, loss, heartache, and failure. They feel dark, lost, alone, weak, and broken. They can’t believe they hurt someone who loved them.

More often than not a cheater doesn’t realize the depth of a partners love, until they see the pain their partner experiences when the cheating is revealed. In most cases, cheaters did not set into a relationship to cheat. At some point, needs were not being met. This does not justify cheating. Cheating is however a symptom of an already broken relationship. Things were broken long before an affair began.

Cheaters often wish the victim would quit talking about it or bringing it up. At times, cheaters are walking on eggshells with even the thought that their partner may be revisiting such bad memories. At other times the cheaters may appear nonchalant saying phrases like; “Get over it, Cant we move on already, Can we make up, etc.” Or perhaps the cheater plays that they are the victim.

Typically after finding out one has cheated, the story goes a little bit or a lot like this:

Cheater – I love you, I didn’t mean to hurt you.

Victim – Hind sight is 20/20. Thanks for showing me your version of love, jerk/b***h!

Cheater – I did it because ____, I did it because you didn’t ______, I did it because I was drunk/lonely.

Victim- There is NO excuse! Tell me the real reason please! Why wasn’t I worth the truth?

Cheater- How long will it take to get your forgiveness?

Victim – Can you be any more shallow? Can you exercise some patience here and help me clean up this mess you made before you ask such a ridiculous question. There is no time limit. I have no idea. I am still trying to figure out if I can even stand to be near you!

Cheater – Why are you always so negative now? Man you are in a bad mood!

Victim – Well, you should have thought of my mood when you did what you did. For wanting something positive you sure infected this relationship with your negativity. You did this! Not me!

Cheater – How do we move forward?

Victim – Move forward? I am still trying to figure out how I will survive today!

Cheater – This isn’t what I wanted. I wanted you. I didn’t want to hurt you!

Victim- Again, hindsight is 20/20. If you wanted me you should have been faithful. If you didn’t want to hurt me you would have been honest. You would have had some class, and character.

Cheater – He/She/They didn’t mean anything to me.

Victim – Wow, really? Sure means something to me now that I finally found out!

Cheater – How can I make things better?

Victim- I don’t know. But I do know your words mean nothing. You are a liar. Actions speak WAY louder! And your actions just spoke loud enough to last me a lifetime.

Cheater – Can you forgive me? What do you want?

Victim- I don’t know what I want! I don’t know anything anymore. Everything I thought I knew, I didn’t. I have been played the fool. This is SO embarrassing. Was any of this even real?

Cheater- Do you still love me?

Victim – Either doesn’t answer at all, or says I don’t know.

While the cheaters often carry guilt and pain, in my opinion it does not even compare tothe_past_love the pain that the betrayed partner carries. But I guess it truly would depend on the situation. Again, pain is hard to measure. (Everyone’s tolerance is so different.)

Once betrayed by a partner and the intimacy you once knew has been shared with someone else the entire relationship appears to have been a hoax. Nothing seems real. The betrayed feel violated emotionally, mentally, and sexually. You just feel dirty.

What doesn’t change is the amount of pain it inflicts on the faithful partner, the one who had hope and the one who believed. The one who never questioned anything. 

Yeah, that one will forever be changed. 

For more info on signs of a cheater click here

On Top Of Spaghetti

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Have you ever caught yourself singing this classical song from the old movie Lady and The Tramp?

“On top of spaghetti all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatballs when somebody sneezed”.

Have you ever felt that way about life? Everything is lined up on the plate and looking tasty. Just as you are about to savor that first bite someone sneezes, and there goes the meatballs.

It can be a slow recovery when it happens, because with meatballs the five second rule doesn’t apply. Sometimes you just have to start over.

The good news is, you will be more protective of the next plate. Then alas, you will be able to enjoy the meatballs you worked so hard to prepare.

Little did you know when the last batch was lost, that the next batch made will be your best work yet!

Bona Petite!

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Loving Endlessly

So many people waste time and energy loving people incapable of loving them back. The relationship is dead, yet they hang on until that frayed rope finally snaps. They make themselves sick with worry.

Instead of focusing on whats wrong with that part of our lives, we need to focus on what is right everywhere else. There are plenty of people who already love you. There are also plenty of people you have yet to meet, ready to to love you too.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Depths of Love

We are fools for love or thinking we have found it only to find out in time…..

“That was not it!”

But one thing is for certain….

we either always love them or we never truly did.

Why Can’t They Love You?

It will not matter how much we love, forgive,  or accept someone. If they are incapable of loving us the way we need to be loved, the relationship is doomed. 

For some love is a lifelong commitment. It is a sacred covenant where they place all of their trust. For others, love lasts until the next best thing comes along. They want the rush and thrills of love without doing any of the work. They need the quick fix.

Thoughts of goodbye may bring anxiety. There may even be moments of panic depending on how it ended. We can suppress the feelings or face them. By facing them we stand a better chance of succeeding the next time. 

When we have given all that we had and loved with all of our heart to have lost; odds are the next time will be the real deal. It very well may be a relationship where all things are reciprocated. In the meantime, keep the faith. Had we not experienced the loss we wouldn’t be ready for that one we are about to meet.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

We Have To Believe, To Receive

We teach our children to believe in Santa if they want gifts from him at Christmas. We teach them to believe in the Easter Bunny despite the fact that rabbits do not lay eggs. We teach them to believe that a tooth-fairy comes and leaves a magical gift under a pillow. We teach them that in order to receive, they must believe.

Yet as we travel through life ourselves, we find ourselves no longer believing. It starts by figuring out that Santa character and far exceeds a fairy delivering gum or money when we lose a tooth. It was during those times that we began to experience true disappointment.

We then began to train ourselves; not to believe. Instead of training ourselves not to believe in anything anymore; we should think of the homeless man who made something of himself. Or the drug addict that recovered. Then of course there is the marriage that healed itself. As well as the man who couldn’t sing yet he still managed to get a record deal. 

Or better yet there is the  woman who was told that she couldn’t conceive a child; who bore a child anyway. The person who was told they would never walk again; that walked. Not to mention the person that couldn’t be healed; but they were healed anyway.

The difference between this last group of people described and those still wondering why something hasn’t changed or happened in their life yet; is that the group of people mentioned above still believed. Despite all obstacles, they believed. They found a reason, and didn’t let anyone tell them differently.

If we believe we not only receive, but we achieve.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Thoughts and Quote Of The Day

“Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad.

Let God deal with the things they do. Hate in your heart will consume you too.”

– Will Smith


When people put you down – let it go. They do it because they feel bad about themselves.

When people lie to you and hide things – let it go. They do it because they have lost sight of who they are. They are best friends with fear and denial.

When people make false promises – let it go. They are too self absorbed to notice most of the time.

When people disrespect you – let it go. It is because they do not respect themselves.

When people discourage you – let it go. It’s because they lack that courage themselves.

When people hate you – let it go and  love them anyway. Hate and anger will destroy you. Love is much simpler.

When people can’t say thank you – let it go. There will come a day they wished they would have.

When you find yourself upset – let it go. It’s better to choose happiness.

When people refuse to pay time or attention to things that matter to you – let it go. God will send you people that will.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerers with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

To The Abusive Parent In Subway

I witnessed a horrific scene with my children this past weekend. As we left church, we decided to stop and eat at a local eatery. We had no idea what we would soon be witnessing; when our intentions were to just grab a quick bite to eat before their father came to pick them up.

As we stood in line I had taken notice to an unhappy woman. She was extremely disgruntled. She wore it inside and out. As her son asked her a question while standing in line she yelled at him. Next she slams him into a booth where he then jammed his index finger. He began to cry “You broke my finger” and repeated this statement as he cried. He was hurt. And I was certain it hurt, he was very small. This mother was easily ten times his size. This mother had just committed the act of child abuse on camera, and in public.

As the little boy cried for his abusive mother to pay attention to what she had just done, she turns around from ordering once again and grabs his face. She stares into his face almost nose to nose and hastily she says “I am going to beat you to death! I am going to KILL you!” I don’t want to hear another word from you!”

The boy then slides down and hides under the table sad, frightened, and all alone. My heart broke for him. I could only imagine what else she has done to him. This woman should be caged. She was a beast. No child should have to suffer any form of child abuse. Period. I could only imagine what he goes through when not in public!

My son hadn’t seen what happened as he was in the restroom. As my son walked out of the restroom he states “Mom, that little boy looks scared!” I found it interesting that at age eleven my son could pick up on it, but not the boy’s mother. Instead, she stayed absorbed in her own anger, paying no attention to her child.

The boy hid under that table with his back against the wall until his mom finished ordering.  He was afraid to move, and afraid to speak.

As his mother paid for her subs, she accused the workers of not giving her all four subs she had ordered when they were all four sitting there for everyone to see. The subs were all out in the open. As the employee explained, “You ordered four and there are four right here”, the angry woman then admits to the cashier “I have lost my mind.”  As the woman makes that comment to the worker I think to myself  “ugh…..that’s an understatement!”

Her daughter then walks over to the little boy and in the same tone you mother uses says “GET UP!” The hateful mother then turns around to her daughter and says “DO NOT EVEN SPEAK TO HIM”! The daughter whom appeared use to her hateful mother, doesn’t utter another word and walks out the door. I thought “wow, she got in trouble for sounding just like her mom. She got snipped at for becoming who her mom is teaching her to be. How sad! Those poor kids.”

As that little boy left I thought “that poor baby. If she does that here, on camera, and in public; what does she do behind closed doors? ” As this hateful woman crosses the parking lot, everyone in Subway began to discuss this event. We were all astonished. I stated, “She needs locked up!” and everyone agreed. The workers then jotted down the time of the event so the video could easily be reviewed.

This woman had serious issues. As my children witnessed this event, their first response when she left was “Thank God you are not like that mom!”

To The Abusive Parent In Subway on Sunday September 26, 2010:

I had just visited a new church. It was your church. My daughter has a friend that attends there so we went to check it out. You sat two rows over from me in the worship service. I recognized your red sweatshirt when the kids and I pulled into Subway and thought “I just saw her at church.”

I was floored to discover that within 5-10 minutes of leaving a worship service you wanted to kill your child or beat him to death. What is wrong with you? You are 10 times his size. Where does this come from? What exactly is your problem? You need serious professional help. You anger and furry is destroying your child’s life.

Find the root of that anger you carry, and fix it. No child should have to suffer from child abuse as your little boy did today. Instilling fear in him doesn’t mean he will respect you, or even love you when he grows up. It is your way to feel you have control over something to treat him this way, and it is most likely because you have lost all control in other areas of your life.

Mistreating him as you do should revoke your license as a mother. You do not deserve such an honorable title. In a case such as this, you were only an incubator. How dare you take advantage of your position as a parent? How dare you take it for granted? There are people spending thousands to have the title mother, and there are people like you that do not deserve it. It makes me sick. How do you look at yourself? How do you put up such a front in church, and then act so foolish as soon as you leave the building? You are one of the reasons, many will not attend a church. It is filled with others like you. And many are better off to worship from home than to face such hypocrisy.

I hope that boy gets removed from your custody. And I hope you also realize your daughter speaks to him, and others,  just as you have taught her to: with haste.

In the time I was visiting Subway, I didn’t see him doing anything out of the ordinary. I saw a kid asking his mom something. I saw a kid that feared your abuse. I saw a kid hiding under a table wishing he was leaving the store with a real mom  that loved him instead of leaving with you.

As you walked away you said “Get up, now lets go tell your dad what you did” in your hateful voice.

Instead of telling your husband what your son did; why don’t you go tell a psychologist, law enforcement, and CPS  what you did? Admit yourself somewhere! You should be in an institution. You should admit you have a serious problem, and fix yourself. Your son did nothing out of the ordinary. Nor did your daughter. If anything, they are doing what you teach them. And from what I saw, you want them to see you have control.

Your speaking to your daughter that way, exhibited your control issues. Why is it that you have the right to tell her not to talk to your son which is in turn her brother? Just because you hate him, doesn’t mean you can force your daughter to. You are sick, and truly do have some serious control issues. And I doubt I am the first to tell you this.

You will die a lonely, hateful, and miserable woman if you continue this path you are on. I will pray for you, but I will pray more for that little boy and girl. God will protect him, and hopefully the law will too.

It’s people like you who make the world a dark place. It is people like you who cause children to need intense therapy as they grow and mature. It is people like you who raise dysfunctional adults. It is someone like you, who probably would kill their child. You are insane.

It is people like you; that someone like myself  simply can’t stand to be near. Your negativity sucks people dry. And surely, I hope you get a grip. It is embarrassing that someone like you lives in this town. You should be ashamed of yourself.

She

SHE

Shes Smart- Shes Pretty- Shes Classy- Shes Witty

Shes Up -Shes down- She Smiles -She Frowns

Shes Creative -She Caring -Shes Giving -Shes Daring

Shes ALIVE -Shes breathing- Shes Curious- Shes Decieving

Shes Happy -Shes Bright- Shes Funny -Shes Right

Shes Lost -She Neglected- Shes Here- Shes Unprotected

Shes Alone- Shes Insecure- Shes Aware- Shes Somewhere

© 2005 Angela Bininger

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.