psychology

Controlling people are the liars of the world, and the liars of the world are controlling

I found an interesting link this week between controlling behavior, and liars. I have observed this by thinking of people I have encountered in my life that fit either title.

The people I have come across that appear to have control issues, are liars. The only thing they can’t control other than themselves, are the lies that they tell.

The people who I think of that have issues lying, exhibit some form of controlling behavior in their daily life.

When I refer to controlling people, I am referring to those who :

Force their thoughts or feelings on you: Someone has wronged them, and they interfere with your relationship with that person, as if you were wronged by that person too.

Tell you how you feel, or should feel : You don’t Care, You have no emotions, You don’t like me, You don’t even want to go, You haven’t ever ___, You have to ____, You can’t ___, You are just going to ___, etc.

There’s OCD somewhere: In some area of their life, or in majority of areas there will be some version of obsessive compulsive disorder. Wether it is paranoia of germs, having to have everything immaculate, unable to wear un-ironed clothes, always at the doctor, somethings always  wrong, hoarding, etc.

When I look back at situations in my life where I have told a lie, telling the lie was about control. Better yet, it was about being in control. At that same junction;I showed signs of control in other areas. Whether it was being obsessive compulsive about dishes in my sink, or actually trying to force my viewpoints or opinions on someone else. Either way, at the same time that I was lying, there were signs of control. By lying, instead of being in control I had given it to someone else.

When I think of “Sally”, I think about how she went her entire life controlling people. Those she couldn’t control, she shoved away. Or they would be smart enough to walk away before she could. Her entire adult life has been a lie, and in her entire adult life she would fit all of the characteristics of a controlling person.

Or let’s take “George” as another example. George is a compulsive liar. He lies about things that are unimportant to most people. He lies himself to a point  where he believes it. He can’t seem to let a day of his life go by without lying. George, is a neat freak. George forces his emotions on others in attempt to leave them feeling guilty. And George, he gets what he wants. If he doesn’t…. things get ugly.

These are just a few examples, but there is a definite link. I can think of many more people who I have encountered in my 30+ years that fit this description.

“Controlling people are the liars of the world and the liars of the world are controlling. Now…. if only they could control themselves.

Can you think of people you have encountered in life where this description matches up? It’s not to say they are all compulsive liars. However, in a life situation where they have told a lie; Did they display what would be considered controlling behavior, in another area of their life? Have you ever wondered exactly what it is controlling people want?

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Do Controlling People Have Smaller Minds?

I’m sure we can all think of someone (or perhaps many someone’s) who have issues over control.

It appears to me that controlling people are the more narrow minded of the human species. I sometimes wonder if there is some sort of damage to the frontal or parietal lobe of their brain. It certainly would be an interesting study!

When dealing with a controlling person, we are dealing with someone who is irrational in most areas of life. they appear to be one who is mentally challenged when it comes to being logical about life situations or events. (The lights just aren’t all working upstairs, ya know?)

At times it seems as though we are talking to a wall when speaking with a controlling person. It’s their way, or the highway. We have a voice that they can’t hear and our opinions mean nothing to them. (Heaven forbid we speak our minds or have our own thoughts, opinions, or ideas.) 

Controlling people get what they want and they do it at almost any cost. The sad part is, they usually don’t even realize they are doing it. 

I read a really good book a few years ago by Patricia Evans as I began my journey as a single mother. It described controlling people to a tee. It explained that they lack self-esteem, and direction in their life. It said that sometimes it is because they are controlled by someone, and the only way for them to feel like they have any control in their own life, is to control the life of someone else.Her theories made perfect sense to me.

Controlling people often have addictions and other chemical imbalances in addition to unresolved childhood issues. They create their own reality, therefor explaining the narrow mindedness. She warned in the book the challenges of breaking free from those that control you. When in terms of divorce, she explains, the last thing they will use to control you is your children in a court room, and I must agree with her. I have experienced it myself, and I have seen it in the life’s of others. Man can it get nasty!

Can you think of anyone that shows the following signs?

*Substance Abuse- There is a huge link between excessive consumption of alcohol and controlling people.

*Increased Sensitivity- No matter what you say, they feel you are insulting them. They feel you are attacking their character and they get mad very easily. In women, they typically cry easy. In some cases they think nobody likes them, everybody hates them, they are mad at me etc.

*Extreme Jealousy- Are they worried about past relationships, or who you talk to on the phone? Do they think you are spending too much time with others and not enough with them?

*Dominance Over Every Issue- Do they have the final say in everything? Or even most things? Do they dominate the conversations forcing their opinions on you? Are you in a dictatorship instead of the partnership that you wanted?

*Complete Control Over Emotions- Do you feel they control your moods? What about your emotions? Are you only allowed to express certain emotions or feelings in their presence without an argument?

*Belittling – Are they making fun of you? Calling you names? Telling you that you couldn’t make it without them or that you would never find anyone else? Calling you ugly, fat, too skinny, etc.?

*Forced Intimacy- Do they force you to have sex or even guilt trip you into it? (I refer to it as a sympathy sex.) Do they force you to take on certain roles when having sex? Do they only satisfy themselves?

*Blaming others or guilt trips -“its not my fault” “YOU did this” “If you would have just listened!”

Patricia Evans, author of Controlling People says “Once the person loses a connection with oneself that forms his or her reality, control is pursued in the exterior world.”

The first stepThe important thing to know is, well, you can’t change them. They are who they are. Either you suck it up, take the abuse and leave them in your life OR you stick up for yourself, decide enough is enough, and you walk away. Only you can decide.

Walking away is difficult, and the control doesn’t necessarily stop unless you learn techniques on how to do so. And even then it can be tricky. They will attempt to make your life hell. To them it is your punishment for making them feel even worse about themselves.

The best revenge you can get however, will be a life well lived.

Though you are a victim of someone’s hurtful behavior, you are responsible for your response. Protect yourself, there is life after this. But it’s up to you to take the first step.

Are you being or have you been controlled before? What can you do or have you done to break the cycle? What do controlling people really want?

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.