abusive relationships

Controlling people are the liars of the world, and the liars of the world are controlling

I found an interesting link this week between controlling behavior, and liars. I have observed this by thinking of people I have encountered in my life that fit either title.

The people I have come across that appear to have control issues, are liars. The only thing they can’t control other than themselves, are the lies that they tell.

The people who I think of that have issues lying, exhibit some form of controlling behavior in their daily life.

When I refer to controlling people, I am referring to those who :

Force their thoughts or feelings on you: Someone has wronged them, and they interfere with your relationship with that person, as if you were wronged by that person too.

Tell you how you feel, or should feel : You don’t Care, You have no emotions, You don’t like me, You don’t even want to go, You haven’t ever ___, You have to ____, You can’t ___, You are just going to ___, etc.

There’s OCD somewhere: In some area of their life, or in majority of areas there will be some version of obsessive compulsive disorder. Wether it is paranoia of germs, having to have everything immaculate, unable to wear un-ironed clothes, always at the doctor, somethings always  wrong, hoarding, etc.

When I look back at situations in my life where I have told a lie, telling the lie was about control. Better yet, it was about being in control. At that same junction;I showed signs of control in other areas. Whether it was being obsessive compulsive about dishes in my sink, or actually trying to force my viewpoints or opinions on someone else. Either way, at the same time that I was lying, there were signs of control. By lying, instead of being in control I had given it to someone else.

When I think of “Sally”, I think about how she went her entire life controlling people. Those she couldn’t control, she shoved away. Or they would be smart enough to walk away before she could. Her entire adult life has been a lie, and in her entire adult life she would fit all of the characteristics of a controlling person.

Or let’s take “George” as another example. George is a compulsive liar. He lies about things that are unimportant to most people. He lies himself to a point  where he believes it. He can’t seem to let a day of his life go by without lying. George, is a neat freak. George forces his emotions on others in attempt to leave them feeling guilty. And George, he gets what he wants. If he doesn’t…. things get ugly.

These are just a few examples, but there is a definite link. I can think of many more people who I have encountered in my 30+ years that fit this description.

“Controlling people are the liars of the world and the liars of the world are controlling. Now…. if only they could control themselves.

Can you think of people you have encountered in life where this description matches up? It’s not to say they are all compulsive liars. However, in a life situation where they have told a lie; Did they display what would be considered controlling behavior, in another area of their life? Have you ever wondered exactly what it is controlling people want?

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Co-dependent Personalities & Raising Co-Dependent Children

Co-dependent personalities usually refer to life as black, or white. There is no in between. It is harder for them to see others view points, and they tend to create their own reality. A co-dependent person may often value other’s opinions over their own, compromising their own values and integrity to avoid rejection. They sometimes dress sloppy, or in baggy clothes, and even in tighter skimpy clothes, displaying their issues with self-image.

The problem with co-dependent relationship within a family, is that we adapt our feelings and boundaries as theirs. We do not like to see them making bad choices, in pain etc., so we try to control it. It can become something that eventually controls where they work, live, who they marry, meaning all major decisions are dominated, by us.

People with co-dependent personalities:

•Need to be needed

• Are  people pleasers

• Are controlling

• Afraid To Be Alone

• Mistrust others

• Are Perfectionists

• Avoid their feelings

• Excessive caretakers

• Hypervigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat or danger)

• Often they attract needy dependent people

• Downplay their own feelings, to the point that they may not even know how they feel

• Have trouble making decisions

• Do not feel they’re lovable

• Put their own interests and hobbies aside to please others

• Are excessively loyal (even staying in abusive relationships)

• Do not ask others to meet their needs

Do You Have A Co-Dependent Relationship With Your Child?

As parents, we need to say “no” to doing tasks that foster immaturity and dependence in adult children; such as, doing their laundry, cleaning up after them, helping them with their bills, providing them with shelter (as adults), etc. It is important to learn to be separate individuals and teach them to take care of their own needs.

We need to teach our children how to tackle problems in relationships or in life, not take care of the problems for them. They need to grow up and be able to have healthy, mature, adult love relationships.  If we do things for our grown children beyond what is age appropriate, we lower their self-esteem and actually stop them from growing up.

When you are co-dependent you are enmeshed with family members’ emotional boundaries and you treat them as extensions of yourself. Therefore, you do not want to see them in pain, uncomfortable, making unwise choices, or unhappy. You try to be the one in control. You aim to fix them or their situations to be what you think is right, and good for them. You fail to see the long-term damage you are causing, you think you are only helping them.

Extreme co-dependency involves subtle control over your adult children’s choices of colleges, career, place of residency, religion, and choice of marriage partners. Over all, you dominate their decision-making abilities. Secretly you feel safe, secure, and loved when others need you and depend on you. It makes you feel important and gives your life meaning because you do not have your own life fully understood and integrated.

Co-dependency use to only be talked about in families where there was alcoholism, or drug addictions. Now, they are linking it to dysfunctional families in general. And lets face it, all families are dysfunctional. Some are just better at admitting it than others.

Co-dependent Personality Disorder is a dysfunctional relationship with the self characterized by living through or for another, attempts to control others, blaming others, a sense of victimization, attempts to “fix” others, and intense anxiety around intimacy. It is very common in people raised in dysfunctional families, and in the partners and children of alcoholics and addicts.  Most chemical dependency treatment centers now also offer treatment for Co-dependency. (definition extracted from http://www.mdjunction.com)                                                                                                                                                                                  

 

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.