separated

Why Can’t They Love You?

It will not matter how much we love, forgive,  or accept someone. If they are incapable of loving us the way we need to be loved, the relationship is doomed. 

For some love is a lifelong commitment. It is a sacred covenant where they place all of their trust. For others, love lasts until the next best thing comes along. They want the rush and thrills of love without doing any of the work. They need the quick fix.

Thoughts of goodbye may bring anxiety. There may even be moments of panic depending on how it ended. We can suppress the feelings or face them. By facing them we stand a better chance of succeeding the next time. 

When we have given all that we had and loved with all of our heart to have lost; odds are the next time will be the real deal. It very well may be a relationship where all things are reciprocated. In the meantime, keep the faith. Had we not experienced the loss we wouldn’t be ready for that one we are about to meet.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Divorce Is Final, Now The Emotional Divorce

Often people file for divorce or initiate a break-up thinking that they are done with the relationship. They think the issues will be gone and that they can begin their new journey. Although publicly filing for divorce is the first major step, the emotional divorce is much harder to deal with, and it takes time.

Studies indicate that it takes approximately 3-6 months for every year in a committed relationship to heal. Although there is no such timer for healing due to the fact that each person handles it differently, this time period proves to be true in the dissolution of almost every relationship I have witnessed.

How To File For An Emotional Divorce

1. Begin to live separate lives! This is crucial! You are two separate people, heading two separate directions. You are on a journey to find yourselves again, and you will hit many road blocks while still acting as though you are a married or committed couple. Give him/her space, and begin to live separate.

2. Do Not Answer To One Another! This one is probably one of the hardest to do. After being in a committed relationship we naturally answer to the “How, Why, Where, When” questions. We do it naturally, and it times we feel it is just showing respect. Reality is, it is keeping us attached.

3. Reinvent Yourself! Find something you have always caught yourself daydreaming about, and do it. Take that trip, join that society, fight for that cause, run that marathon, publish that book, or whatever the case may be. When we begin doing something that empowers us on a daily basis we begin to feel we live a life of purpose. Reinventing ourselves is our way of keeping our past from dictating who we are or become. This is your chance to shine!

4. Pray! This is by far the fastest road to recovery. Pray for guidance, wisdom, and discernment. Pray for a life of peace. Pray to know yourself, and pray for God to allow others to be receptive to your wants, needs, and desires. It may be instantly that He answers, and it may be months. But nonetheless, He will answer. Just be ready when He does!

5. Let Go! There is nothing worse than holding on to something that is dead. Once you let go completely you can begin to embrace the new journey, and move forward. You then begin to experience an inner peace like no other just by letting go. Fear keeps us holding on, fear misleads us, and fear blinds us. When we let go of fear, we can let go of almost anything.

6. Find A Positive Outlet! Wether it be crafts, arts, music, writing, playing sports, coaching a team etc., it is important to find a positive outlet. This emotional roller-coaster ride may not end for weeks, months, or even years. Find something or some way to release that anger, frustration, and sadness in a positive way. By projecting positive, more positive will come.

7. Believe! The sooner you believe you can do it alone, the sooner you will. The sooner you believe, the sooner you will succeed. After every loss, there is a gain. When God takes one away, He often sends something or someone even better to bless our socks off.

8. Don’t Rush It! There is no need to rush into the arms of someone else. If we did that we would end up right back where we are now, eventually. Take time to learn the lessons. Dig deep and do a self-check. Break-ups are never due to one person alone. Both parties bring issues to the relationship, and it is important to take responsibility for your part in that. By accepting responsibility for where you went wrong in the relationship, you begin to take preventative measures for all future relationships.

As I stated earlier in this article, the emotional divorce is far different from the typical divorce. It is an entirely different process. Couples divorce every day in this country through our court systems. However, more often than not they remain emotionally married for years to come. Take control of your life, and get out completely. Only then will you experience the true beauty in this world. Only then will the chains that bind you, be broken.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerers with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Divorce: The Only Time We Die, Yet Live To Talk About It

Divorce is one of the only times in life a human will die, go through the stages of grief, and live to talk about it. The process is accompanied by a level of pain comparable to a death, or what one might experience with a serious illness.

There are several stages to the grieving process that can last for any amount of time. It all depends on how big the loss was. But to most, a broken marriage is a huge loss. Even more so if children are involved.

Shock & Denial is where the grieving process begins when a relationship ends. The shock is much worse if your spouse has already moved on with someone else. You may find yourself saying “This is not happening” “We were suppose to ____!” “I didn’t see this coming!” “None of this is my fault!” “Well maybe if I would have___.” You may even find yourself not taking him or her seriously about the divorce. You may be avoiding the issue in hopes that they change their mind.

Anger & Hatred  are by far the worst phases; aside from depression. We begin to get mad at ourselves, and the other person. Often times, we are mad at the world. Everyone is out to get us!

The anger phases comes and goes throughout the process. I have found that people often bounce back and forth between stages one, two, and three. At times we might think we have entered the next phase of grief, then a previous stage surfaces unexpectedly. Sometimes it can surface just by looking at the other person.

Anger can last for many years. Perhaps forever once it takes root. It truly varies from person to person. 

Bargaining is something we do to try and hold on to the relationship and it often occurs at the same time as phase one, denial. It goes hand in hand with denial. “I will do ___ if you take me back”, “I will buy you ___” “We can go on a trip” “Look, I finally got you that ____ that you wanted”. We sometimes even begin to bargain with God. “Lord if you fix this I will never ______ again!” “God if you ____ I will ____.

Depression can be a scary stage of grief. It is important to keep activities scheduled to keep from slipping into a deep depression. Surround yourself with loved ones and positive people. With depression one loses interest in normal activities, they oversleep or don’t get enough sleep, and the eating habits are comparable to the sleeping. They are either eating a lot, or very little at all. They may have suicidal thoughts, and struggle just to get out of bed. They are remembering only good things about the relationship. And they have very little interest in their life. They feel hopeless.

Acceptance  is when we begin to pick up the pieces. We can take the positive things we learned by having the relationship, and simply chalk up the loss. We see that there is hope. Yes, there is some light at the end of that dark tunnel. 

Once one reaches the stage of acceptance, they have regained more control of their new life. It gives them more control of their destiny. They realize that they can do it! It is when they begin to dream again, discover themselves, and begin to truly live.

I once read somewhere that it takes approximately 3-6 months for every year you were married to complete all 5 phases of grieving. From what I have seen, that number is fairly accurate. There is life after divorce. It just doesn’t truly begin until we have grieved the loss, learned our lesson that was intended for us to learn in that relationship, and move on. In doing that we have discovered who we are again, and may even get down the road and be thankful for that loss.

Healing, takes time. And time, heals. Most of the time it heals anyway.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.