healing

ABC’s of Life Series — Day 3 Letter C ; Cherish Every Breath You Take

ABC’s of Life Series

From A – Z

Day 3, Letter C

 

Cherish Every Breath You Take

“Life can end or be forever changed in a millisecond. It is important that we live it to the fullest and not take it for granted. We must find our purpose, and fulfill it.”

I learned at an early age the stages of grief by the loss of loved ones. By the age of 20, I had been to more funerals than years I had been alive. The trend continued well into my thirties. From friends, to co-workers, family members, and classmates it didn’t take long to realize; the shortness of life. One minute we are here, and the next we are gone forever.

 

Signs that a person is cherishing every breath:

– They treat others as though it was the last time they will see them, every time that they see them.

– When they are in the wrong, they apologize.

– They find themselves thankful for all things, both good and bad.

– They dream big and follow through.

– They live the best life they know how to live.

– They begin to build new bridges once they cross them instead of burning bridges that they may need to cross again someday.

– They focus on the big picture, and try hard not to get caught up in the minuet details.

– They make sure they have left no stones unturned.

– They accept the past and build towards the future.

– They live as best they can to have no regrets.

– When they are present, people notice.

– They give life all they have.

What matters the most in the end is that our spirits are free enough from any baggage, to enter into the after-life. Otherwise, we are just another episode of ghost hunters. Who wants to be another lost and broken spirit wandering the earth after death; due to unresolved business? Surely, not me.

As for me personally, I want to make peace with people while I am here and live the best possible life that I can. It is the only way to rest in peace, when our time here has expired.

Day 4 Letter D – Dreaming Is A Must

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

We Have To Believe, To Receive

We teach our children to believe in Santa if they want gifts from him at Christmas. We teach them to believe in the Easter Bunny despite the fact that rabbits do not lay eggs. We teach them to believe that a tooth-fairy comes and leaves a magical gift under a pillow. We teach them that in order to receive, they must believe.

Yet as we travel through life ourselves, we find ourselves no longer believing. It starts by figuring out that Santa character and far exceeds a fairy delivering gum or money when we lose a tooth. It was during those times that we began to experience true disappointment.

We then began to train ourselves; not to believe. Instead of training ourselves not to believe in anything anymore; we should think of the homeless man who made something of himself. Or the drug addict that recovered. Then of course there is the marriage that healed itself. As well as the man who couldn’t sing yet he still managed to get a record deal. 

Or better yet there is the  woman who was told that she couldn’t conceive a child; who bore a child anyway. The person who was told they would never walk again; that walked. Not to mention the person that couldn’t be healed; but they were healed anyway.

The difference between this last group of people described and those still wondering why something hasn’t changed or happened in their life yet; is that the group of people mentioned above still believed. Despite all obstacles, they believed. They found a reason, and didn’t let anyone tell them differently.

If we believe we not only receive, but we achieve.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

The Mathematical Formula For Destructive Relationships

All relationships have the potential to be hazardous, abusive,  and destructive. The destruction begins gradually and at times it will not end until  long after the relationship itself has ended. It just depends on how long we allow the destruction to occur before stepping up to the board and balancing out the equation.

Just as in mathematical equations that become difficult; we should simplify difficult relationships in our lives too. Simplifying can mean counseling, creating a positive change in the relationship, eliminating irritants, or in some cases simply leaving the relationship and moving forward.

Destructive relationships can be hard to spot initially. Over time the signs become more obvious, especially as we begin to see what was once a bright flower wither and fade away. Once we see the first sign of a destructive relationship, the others signs and symptoms arrive shortly after. Or so it seems.

Signs of a Destructive Relationship:

Non-trustworthy partners seem to be a dime a dozen these days. The breaking of trust is the beginning of a destructive relationship. Once trust is broken; it is time to break out the hard hats. The wrecking crew has arrived.

If two people can not trust one another the relationship officially becomes classified as a destructive relationship. The person that can’t trust suffers, and as a result the person that can’t be trusted does too. This is not healthy for either party.

Recovery from broken trust is possible if correction occurs, and it is sincere and genuine. This typically means that there will not be repeat offenses. If there are repeat offenses there may be a bigger problem. There could be a compulsive liar in the picture. If so, there are ways to break the liar down. Once you break them down and all truth becomes visible, options can be weighed out and recovery is absolutely possible. Until then, brace yourself for the other phases of a destructive relationship.

Internal Damage leaves us holding on to things that leave us felling lost, hopeless, sad, or broken. These feelings can be overwhelming and cause panic attacks, anxiety attacks, depressions, and sometimes paranoia. Internal damage can make true forgiveness seem impossible.

External Damage is when one will begin to notice things around them breaking. Whether on purpose or by accident; everything begins to break down internally and externally. This typically happens after a few incidents have occurred that created internal damage or conflict.

Withdrawn from normal activities is a symptom of a destructive relationship.  One may withdraw from friends, family,  and activities. They will isolate themselves with their partner and display signs of social avoidance. This needs attention particularly if the withdrawing from others is not for legitimate reasons. Sometimes, people grow up and apart. It doesn’t necessarily mean one is withdrawn.

 

Excessive Weight gain or loss is another sign that someone is in a destructive relationship. Sometimes people who are suffering emotionally will eat or starve their way to feeling in control of something. Food becomes a replacement for those gaining weight. For those in a destructive relationship that are losing weight, I have found that they starve themselves strictly to feel in control of something in their life since other areas are lacking self-control.

Control is a common characteristic seen in one or both parties involved in destructive relationships. Controlling people have the same patterns across the board, and they will often come off as very well liked socially. If they tell you where to go, what to do, who to talk to, what to wear, or how to act; they may just have control issues. If both parties are insecure and have controls issue, there could be a few Doomsday’s ahead.

Psychological Abuse occurs when one belittles another’s achievements or lack there of. Psychological abuse can be any type of mind game; from name calling to threats of suicide. One may also manipulate their partner into forgiving or at least trying to. Someone who is psychologically abusing their partner may also threaten suicide when their partner decides to leave them. If the person being abused speaks of suicide, their words ought not be taken lightly. 

Psychological abuse can be any of the following phrases (to name a few):

I said NO! You can’t wear that! Nobody cares what you think! Nobody cares about you! You don’t matter! Who are you talking to? Who’s calling here? You can’t talk to “them” ! This is MY house! I pay the bills! You are LAZY! You are worthless! Get out! I don’t need you! I never loved you! You are ugly! You are fat! I hate you!

These words can be devastating, and often lead to violence. If you are in a violent relationship leave immediately. There are shelters across the country that house men, women, and children in violent situations who are looking for relief.

Violence is not healthy in any relationship. Violence can be hitting, throwing, smacking, cornering, or intimidating another person. Violence often follows psychological abuse.

Depression is usually the last phase before one begins to receive a reality check as to where their relationship has been; where it is, and the direction it is heading. Depression can be life threatening and one suffering from depression should seek help from a certified medical professional. There are some self-help techniques for depression, and ways to fight depression. However, talking to a counselor is always a good idea. It is nice to have an outsider help us reduce difficult equations.

When things become broken inwardly and outwardly in any relationship; getting out is the only way to avoid having only bits and pieces yourself left. Repairs are much easier when something is only partially broke, than when no longer running at all.

 © Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Loss of friendship, Loss of words


© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerers with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Divorce Is Final, Now The Emotional Divorce

Often people file for divorce or initiate a break-up thinking that they are done with the relationship. They think the issues will be gone and that they can begin their new journey. Although publicly filing for divorce is the first major step, the emotional divorce is much harder to deal with, and it takes time.

Studies indicate that it takes approximately 3-6 months for every year in a committed relationship to heal. Although there is no such timer for healing due to the fact that each person handles it differently, this time period proves to be true in the dissolution of almost every relationship I have witnessed.

How To File For An Emotional Divorce

1. Begin to live separate lives! This is crucial! You are two separate people, heading two separate directions. You are on a journey to find yourselves again, and you will hit many road blocks while still acting as though you are a married or committed couple. Give him/her space, and begin to live separate.

2. Do Not Answer To One Another! This one is probably one of the hardest to do. After being in a committed relationship we naturally answer to the “How, Why, Where, When” questions. We do it naturally, and it times we feel it is just showing respect. Reality is, it is keeping us attached.

3. Reinvent Yourself! Find something you have always caught yourself daydreaming about, and do it. Take that trip, join that society, fight for that cause, run that marathon, publish that book, or whatever the case may be. When we begin doing something that empowers us on a daily basis we begin to feel we live a life of purpose. Reinventing ourselves is our way of keeping our past from dictating who we are or become. This is your chance to shine!

4. Pray! This is by far the fastest road to recovery. Pray for guidance, wisdom, and discernment. Pray for a life of peace. Pray to know yourself, and pray for God to allow others to be receptive to your wants, needs, and desires. It may be instantly that He answers, and it may be months. But nonetheless, He will answer. Just be ready when He does!

5. Let Go! There is nothing worse than holding on to something that is dead. Once you let go completely you can begin to embrace the new journey, and move forward. You then begin to experience an inner peace like no other just by letting go. Fear keeps us holding on, fear misleads us, and fear blinds us. When we let go of fear, we can let go of almost anything.

6. Find A Positive Outlet! Wether it be crafts, arts, music, writing, playing sports, coaching a team etc., it is important to find a positive outlet. This emotional roller-coaster ride may not end for weeks, months, or even years. Find something or some way to release that anger, frustration, and sadness in a positive way. By projecting positive, more positive will come.

7. Believe! The sooner you believe you can do it alone, the sooner you will. The sooner you believe, the sooner you will succeed. After every loss, there is a gain. When God takes one away, He often sends something or someone even better to bless our socks off.

8. Don’t Rush It! There is no need to rush into the arms of someone else. If we did that we would end up right back where we are now, eventually. Take time to learn the lessons. Dig deep and do a self-check. Break-ups are never due to one person alone. Both parties bring issues to the relationship, and it is important to take responsibility for your part in that. By accepting responsibility for where you went wrong in the relationship, you begin to take preventative measures for all future relationships.

As I stated earlier in this article, the emotional divorce is far different from the typical divorce. It is an entirely different process. Couples divorce every day in this country through our court systems. However, more often than not they remain emotionally married for years to come. Take control of your life, and get out completely. Only then will you experience the true beauty in this world. Only then will the chains that bind you, be broken.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerers with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Act Of Trust

Trust is easily given by most of us in relationships, but often taken for granted. Once it has become violated, the violator may often wonder how to regain that trust. There are three things you can do to regain someone’s trust. All be it the relationship will never be as pure as it once was, but the relationship can possibly be salvaged vs. burning bridges.

Actions – Our actions will be the most important tool in earning back someone’s trust. You must be genuine. There is no need to put on a show, you will only be wasting your time and looking foolish in the process. Actions are important because when trust is broken, words do not matter. Although our words may express our thoughts, our actions reveal them.

Change – If trust is violated, there is often a deeper reason than that relationship alone. It is not only important to take responsibility for our actions that have caused someone not to trust us, but we must make changes if that person is someone that we really want in our life, that we love. Change must be immediate, and you must be ready. Otherwise, the person you have offended will see it as a front, and you will only do more damage.

Time – Time heals almost all wounds. When trust is broken, there is no time limit as to how long it takes to earn back trust. That’s the unfortunate part. If you are wanting forgiveness do not ask things such as how long, or when they can forgive you. This will push them further away. As they heal over time, be sincere and compassionate. Most importantly, be willing to take some heat! Odds are, it is well deserved.

Relationships are a lot of work but the good ones are worth it. No matter what the situation is that has caused the mistrust, it can be restored in most cases over time. It could take days, weeks, months, or years, but if you want it bad enough and can prove you love the person and are worth it, it can be restored.

The #1 mistake people make when trying to regain trust or restore a relationship, is giving up.

The grass isn’t greener, that was your new neighbor’s grass that you were admiring!

So often in the last few years I have been approached by women from various walks of life that admire my life from afar as a single mother. I don’t think they admire the life itself so much, but they certainly admire my relationship with my children and can feel the peace and harmony in our home.

They come to me for advice as their marriages and family deteriorate because the grass looks so much greener on this side, to them anyway. I don’t sense that it is the grass appearing greener that attracts them to it. Instead I think  they crave  that sense of self-worth. They want an identity outside of “the wife”  or “the mom of ___.” They want to feel strong, independent, empowered, and like they have a voice. Most of the time, they just want to be heard, but, he just won’t listen. They just want a friend, someone to inspire them and motivate them. Someone that believes in the words that they speak.

Typically when I’m asked my opinion on the matter, what I tell them is this:

The grass isn’t greener. You see, when I jumped off the fence I landed on a pile of dirt. All I could see before the jump was all the pretty grass that others planted. That was their grass. It was up to me to plant the seeds, fertilize it, water it, grow it, and now I get to mow it.

There are still seasons of dryness, and during those times I’m lucky to even have a garden. But, the grass is at least growing. It is growing because it is meticulously cared for and nurtured. It was never just magically there, it took a lot of hard work. Sometimes I worked for hours upon hours to get one little patch, and at other times friends and family arrived to help me get the job done.

So although to the naked eye it seems greener now, you too will start with the same seed and pile of dirt that I once did. You will even find that dogs are still dogs, and will still pee and poop on it. You can build whatever you want on it, it’s a blank canvas! But it is up to you, and only you. You can only count on you, and it will be a long hard road. I am here if you need me no matter what you decide!

I urge them to find another way, and I urge them to find themselves. Some choose to take the advice they asked for, and some choose to ignore it and learn the hard way, just as I did. I do know, however, whatever they do decide that eventually they will see that they too, were guilty of admiring from afar something they didn’t plant.  And that my friend, is a harsh lesson to learn. I highly recommend you try alternatives before taking that route, because whether you stay or go, at some point you will have to face yourself. And you can find yourself, right where you are. There is no need to make life more complicated.

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Perspective

A change of perspective will change your direction.

© 2010 Angela Bininger
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11 Steps To A Healthier You

We are all only one phone call, one conversation, one email, or one text from falling to our knees. You just never know when life will take an unexpected change. The best way to prepare for this situation that could happen at any given second is:

1.)  Spread love, its contagious! And most contagious when shown through one’s actions.

2.)  Be true to your word, it is who you are!

3.)  Have character, it defines you!

4.)  Be strong in both mind & spirit, it prevents self destruction.

5.)  Dream it, believe it, & do it! Life is too short for anything less.

6.)  Don’t burn bridges, you never know when you need to cross them.

7.)  Have faith, it keeps you alive.

8.)  Have hope, it increases faith.

9.)  Leave no kind words unspoken, people can’t read your mind!

10.) Live each day as though you were writing your obituary.

11.) Never be too proud to say I am sorry.

There is nothing worse than losing someone you love and feeling like that relationship never reached it’s potential. Live each moment as though it were your last and treat everyone around you as though it were the last time you were to see them.

If everyone adopted this 10 step process into their life, we just might change the world. However, since it is likely that not everyone will read this and adopt this plan… we can only change ourselves.

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Benefits of shared parenting, loneliness can be a good thing!

I guess the topic of conversation would vary from person to person, the circumstances that led up to it may also be slightly different, however, the results are all the same. You are alone.

Loneliness is often just as much of a good thing as a bad thing. It is a great time of  self-reflection, a time to heal, and a time to discover both old and new things about yourself. And discovering those things that got lost along the way, in the depths of a marriage,  are just as exciting as discovering the new ones.

For me, I have shared parenting. At first this was extremely difficult for me. I had never really been away from my children other than an occasional overnight at a relative’s house. When the every other week summer rotation began there was such a huge void there. It felt as though my life would end. Every other week I felt as though I had nothing. SO, as all single moms do…. I buried myself in work.

Eventually I found additional comfort at the library and began to check out heaps of self-help books. It would be nothing for me to walk out with 20 of them at a time. ANYTHING to occupy my mind. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was helping myself. I was learning. I was growing. And needless to say, I was surviving it. I just kept my mind so busy that I didn’t notice as much.

The one major plus side I see in shared parenting is this:

It gives me time every other week to reflect on the week prior and prepare for the week to come. There is time to  think about things that we did or didn’t do as a family, what could have been done better, should this or that been handled that way, the list goes on and on. There’s always time to self check! One simple example is: How often do you tell your child to hold on, just a second, or wait a minute? Those things are more noticeable after divorce when there is bi-weekly parenting. You catch it, then make an effort to correct it. Once you correct that one you are on to the next, and so forth.

I miss them a ton when they are gone, and anxiously await their return on Sunday nights. Although it is lonely, the lessons I’m learning will allow these children to become beautiful adults. There is nothing better for a child than to have a parent that is at peace with themselves. It gives balance, and allows them to see both love and hope! And there is nothing greater for young girls to see than a woman who is independent, and secure with who she is.