The Final Laugh With Grandma

After the long drive we parked the car as huge quarter size snowflakes continuously fall onto the ground. I think to myself of how much Grandma loved the holidays, and there was no better day to say farewell than a day this cold with snowflakes so enormous.
After pondering the memories for a moment in the parking lot we exited the car and carefully walked  across the fresh blanket of snow, making our way toward the funeral home doors. We say hello to the men clearing the walkways for the others that will be arriving for the service shortly,enter the building, then hang our first left to see grandma.
After missing the viewings the day before due to Riley’s strep throat, I was eager to have a few moments with my children alone in the room. I walked in noticing the flowers and all the  other items near the casket. The beautiful pink gown she was wearing looked good with her skin tone, it was the perfect color for her.
I was amazed by the great work the funeral home had done, especially with her hair! The chemotherapy made it all fall out, and this woman’s hair was stunning. I thought it was a fabulous wig, she would have loved it.  
I gather closer with the kids and I say, “It doesn’t even look like her does it”? The kids nod in confusion, agree and look closer. Jesse looking confused reaches out to rub her arm. We begin noticing her pretty jewelry and thought “We have never seen her wear that”.
Jesse looks at me and says “I love her pink dress mommy”.  The kids and I continue to admire the things others had placed in the casket, and talk about the dying process. Meanwhile I cant stop thinking about how much her appearance had changed by simply dying.
Moments later a funeral home director walks in wondering why we were there so early. I explain that we called last night, and that we were told to come at 8:30a.m. He agrees and tells me no one relayed the message, and assured me it was no problem. I was telling them what a great job they did on her and that I couldn’t believe how good the wig looked. Another man interrupts to ask for my keys. He needed to move my van to a new location; apparently I parked in the wrong row for the black parade. They leave me be for a few minutes, then the one gentleman returns.
After the two men have a quiet conversation across the room  the director then looks at me oddly and says “Ma’am, there will be a service starting next door shortly, could you all stay in here during the service”. “This service starts at 10:30 too” I replied. He said “No this starts at 1:00”. I then ask “Well why did the paper say 10:30?” He calmly walks over, grabs the laminated card and hands it to me to read for myself. I then read someone else’s name, not my grandmas!
Now granted, both names had Mary in them! Not to mention that Stout or Stump from a distance, with no glasses, looks pretty close too! Who would have thought? No wonder it did not look like her! No wonder I didn’t recognize the things around her, boy did I feel so dumb! I look up at the director and say “Kids, grab your stuff. This is not Grandma, now that makes a lot more sense.” The funeral director looked at me like I was a complete idiot, like I didn’t already know and needed confirmation.
The kids and I look at each other, release silent giggles and walk to the right room in the funeral home. While walking  I am thinking “That poor lady in the casket probably thought, who are these people touching me, and why?”
Alas we enter the correct room, and there she was lying peacefully. She was dressed in a similar outfit as the lady next door. Her attire was even the exact same shade of pink, and the same material. She looked beautiful! That was my grandmother alright! The kids and I were relieved!
So overwhelmed by what had just happened it didn’t seem real that I was  looking at  her. She was one of the best female role models I have ever had in my life. I will cherish every memory I have of her.
I find it odd, that even while she has left this earth and is on “the other side” we had one last memory and laugh together.  There is no doubt in my mind, that if she saw anything that happened at that funeral home today…. she was surely laughing at me!

Fear

Is it fear?

Fear taking over me

Fear to walk away

Fear to finally face myself

Fear of what I say?

Is fear the reason we live in lies

Denial

And doubt?

If we had no fear

What would our life be about?

© 2006 Angela Bininger

Missing You

Sisters

I wrote this for my sister whom I love dearly. I met her when I was 19. We have had our ups and downs in getting to know one another, but this year she became my dear friend.


We climb this mountain together,

As sisters and as friends.

Making up for the memories,

That we never had as kids.

Each on a separate journey

Yet a journey just the same.

Reaching out for what comes next,

Our lives forever changed.

© 2006 Angela Bininger

86 Degrees of Love

86 Degrees Of Love

86 degrees

That’s what the thermostat said,

Twas a steamy back seat instead of a bed.

Had it been in a bed nobody would have known,

That bodies could heat as the thermostat has shown.

Windows all fogged up, can’t see a thing!

Those passionate memories make my heart sing.

© 2006 Angela Bininger

The Bar

The Bar

The place where spiders crawl

Spreading around their poison

Only to put a band aid on their lesions.

A place where they meet

Gather and greet

While searching through their lives

For reason.

Drowning away

In the pesticide that’s sprayed

Now their problems die

For a season.

© 2006 Angela Bininger

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerers with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Time

The minutes seem like hours since I last felt your touch. You bring to me an innocence I have missed so very much. To watch you smile as I stare into your eyes, touches my heart and soul to the core. I love you more now than I ever have before. The minutes will seem like hours until I see your face again. You are a blessing and a gift from God, my friend until the end.

© 2006 Angela Bininger

Believe

The minute you stop achieving,

is just seconds after you stopped believing!

© 2006 Angela Bininger

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerers with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Broken Again

My soul is broken

The pain is so real

Why does he do this

Why cant he feel?

Why is he so angry?

Always has to shout!

Why cant he communicate?

Can someone help me out?

Ive been trying to get away

From this vicious cycle we are in

Now I have the courage I need

To put this all to an end

I cant stand to look at him

Or hear what comes out of his mouth

I cant spend forever like this

Living in denial and doubt!

© 2005 Angela Bininger

She

SHE

Shes Smart- Shes Pretty- Shes Classy- Shes Witty

Shes Up -Shes down- She Smiles -She Frowns

Shes Creative -She Caring -Shes Giving -Shes Daring

Shes ALIVE -Shes breathing- Shes Curious- Shes Decieving

Shes Happy -Shes Bright- Shes Funny -Shes Right

Shes Lost -She Neglected- Shes Here- Shes Unprotected

Shes Alone- Shes Insecure- Shes Aware- Shes Somewhere

© 2005 Angela Bininger

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.