my life

Being Married To An Alcoholic Can Mean Divorcing Yourself

Being married to an alcoholic is challenging. As if marriage isn’t tough enough, we find ourselves facing an illness that can be life threatening.

As spouses we want to believe that there is hope, and that the behavior is something we can correct. We believe the if we do certain things, say certain things, avoid situations, and act a certain way it will change the alcoholics mindset. We think that if we avoid alcohol itself that it will help. After all, if we drink they will want to drink. So we avoid it all together. We try everything to prevent drinking episodes and fight like hell to understand the disease, its causes, and its effects.

(One of the biggest mistakes we make; is thinking we can control the fate of the disease.)

It is hard to maintain an upbeat spirit and our identity when dealing with an alcoholic on a daily basis. Often times we lose sight of ourselves and eventually, as we find ourselves again we find the courage to walk away.

The hardest part of dealing with a spouse who suffers from alcoholism is accepting the reality that we can’t change them. It does not matter what we do, they are who they are. They will lie to us, and they will deceive. Trust will be hard to restore.

The battle of dealing with an alcoholic you love can be just as bad as having the disease itself.

Some alcoholics hide it well. They come off as hardworking, well liked, and social. Others can come across as laid back and quiet. These are usually the ones who can’t maintain their alcohol and become violent. It can be quite dangerous. They can’t hear our crying and pleading for them to get help, instead they dive deeper into the drinking and begin to resent the one suggesting they seek help. They are in their own world, and only those who accommodate their disease are welcomed.

Alcoholics are on a road to self-destruction. Until they reach a dead-end they will not realize that they need help. They will continue to surround themselves with people who make them feel justified in their behavior. Someone who says “Oh you had a bad day? Want to have a drink?” will soon be their best friend. They feel this person understands. What this person has done is opened another door and allowed the alcoholic to do even more damage. They have just become the rescuer.

Alcoholism is a painful disease to watch. We never know what will come next. A new injury, more vomit, a new place he/she passed out, another fight, a D.U.I., a social mishap, or a new hole in a wall or door.

When living with an alcoholic you are truly the only one who knows the extent of the disease and can often vouch for the fact that you never know what their mood will be. Sometimes even the slightest things can set them off. It is Jeckel and Hyde. They are critical of others because they feel bad about themselves. They are out of control. They have lost sight of who they are. As a result they can become controlling, and abusive.

When we love an alcoholic it can be debilitating. They can not see the pain they cause. Sometimes we just have to let go because it becomes too depressing to watch and live with. At that point all we can do is pray for the best results.

Until people want to change, there will be no change. And if their disease is causing you to lose who you are and what you believe in, it is time to let go. It is not worth losing you too!

For more information about contributing to your loved ones disease  click here.

It’s Okay To Question Things

From as far back as I can remember, I have questioned things. I have questioned people’s actions, their words, and their motives. I went around like a detective, searching for answers. And searching for truth. When I sought truth from those that feared it, I would be chastised and beaten down. They would accuse me of lying, because they feared the truth. As a result, I developed some rather thick skin. I realized that those whom fear truth, do not admire those that seek it. However, their fear has never or will never keep me from seeking the truth, or getting answers.

As I began my journey as a writer I didn’t think much about the way society belittle’s reporters and journalists. My goals were to publish some books, and hopefully work for a newspaper or publishing company someday. I knew it would take time to network, and get the name out. I was willing to be patient.

As I posted the article on my review of the electronic cigarette, I never imagined being put in a hot seat. If it weren’t for the tracker on my site I would wonder if anyone reads my work at all. When the “vapors” came to my site I followed the link to their site.  When I arrived they were criticizing my article, accusing me of lying. I was being criticized again in my life, for telling the truth. I then became a member of their website to inform them that I did indeed live the experience and that the article was true. They all came at me firing guns, not wanting people to know what happened to me. They called names, criticized, poked fun etc. One woman from my city claimed that because she didn’t see our local station air the story I saw, that it didn’t air. Another spoke that my article tells people to smoke regular cigarettes when the article clearly states trying alternative methods to quit.  Some of these people were completely ignorant. There were some however, that educated me on the F.D.A.’s attempt to ban the electronic cigarettes. But even then, I called the F.D.A. and I questioned things, again. And of course each side has their story and I’m left with my own personal experience, and their stories to sort it out. By the end of the day I realized these people attacking were manufacturer’s, supporters, and sales people of the electronic cigarettes. No wonder they were attacking.

As I tucked the children in last night excited that 10 t.v. contacted me in reference to my article and the fact that they were finally listening to the story, I had an epiphany. It was then that I  realized the reason I had to develop such thick skin at a young age. It was to prepare me for this. With this profession people attack you regularly. They either love you or they hate you. They will criticize and they will praise. You never know what is coming next.

As I sat there I realized that I finally had the answer to the hand God dealt me. I knew why He gave me a life where I consistently had to question things, people, and their motives. Those things I didn’t understand trotting through life, suddenly all the experiences good and bad were beginning to make perfect sense. There was no more asking God “WHY?” The puzzle has found its missing piece! I had an answer!

I have always been an investigator by nature. I have always been a passionate writer. Never in my life did I see myself having a burning passion to be a reporter. But I do! I love to talk, I love to tell things, I love to make people aware. It is my personality! And now, on the cusp of living a dream I find myself very grateful. Life experience speaks louder than degrees and classrooms. Life experience books sell more than someone with a bunch of letters behind their name. My life experiences and sharing them, has opened many doors. I am getting great feedback from people who owe me nothing. They are merely people passing by, and we know nothing about one another aside from names. They are people saying good job, and they are giving me even more inspiration and drive. They are other writers, editors, and site administrators. They work for publishing companies, news stations, and newspapers. They are not all just friends and family anymore. Not that I ever doubted what friends or family who support me in this say or said, it is just different hearing it knowing that the person saying it owes me nothing. It is an unbiased opinion.

People have no idea how much their words mean to me when I read them or hear them. I was just a single mom chasing a dream that is now becoming a reality. I didn’t know how I would get here, or when. But I knew I would. Once again, proving the power of positive thinking. I am glad I have always questioned things now. I’m glad for the situations in my life that were traumatic. I’m thankful for the good and bad, all of which is what gave me the drive to get to this new place. It’s okay to question things. And in everything give thanks. We never know what He is up to,  but He has a plan for us. And after 33 years, I finally found out part of His plan for my life. And with every word I write or speak, I give thanks.

Dream It –  Believe It –  Do It

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerers with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Projecting The Truth, Why Is It Feared?

I had a phone conversation this morning, and was asked to keep silent. To not project the truth. To not speak of events in my life that have occurred. When the reality is, it is my life. I lived it. I have every right to talk about it, sing about it, dance about it, or even write about it. That’s what people do, and for me, it’s survival. It is my outlet. I was taught as a child to express emotions creatively while in counseling, and that was probably one of the best things from childhood, that is still with me today. A creative outlet. For me, healing comes from talking it out, painting it out, singing it out, playing it out(piano), or writing it out. That is who I am.

What I can’t understand, is why people fear the truth so much. Why do people feel better sweeping things under rugs, verses facing them head on? I learned long ago, not to have secrets. And unfortunately despite having learned that lesson in my late teenage years, I still battled with it at the tail end of my marriage, but kept nothing completely inside. At times, I would be accused of having secrets, but they weren’t secrets, I told people about them. It was only a secret because I didn’t tell the one that deserved to be told.

In my life, there have been strained relationships because my honesty, and my blunt nature. It is more than some can handle. Some prefer to deny the truth. They refuse to accept that things are different than they appear. They would rather lie and manipulate people. They portray that their life is filled with sunshine, butterflies, flowers, and all the happy things instead of facing the truth, and accepting life for what it is. Yet they wonder, why their life is so miserable.

Those that fear the truth, and choose to live a life filled with secrets, despise me for this personality trait of mine. Meanwhile, I embrace it. It is what gives me peace. It gives me strength. Truth, consumes me. And I will dig, until it is revealed. A few will hate me for it, but many will respect it. Believe it or not, it is an honorable trait to have.

Perhaps this is what my purpose in life is. For I was once, a secret. The bastard child. The mistake. The outcast. The one on the outside, looking in. And just maybe, the fact that I entered this life a secret, is the exact reason I will leave it, with not a one. Perhaps, this is God’s plan for my life.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Why Some People Can’t Stand To Watch Others Succeed

Have you ever had someone in your life, that can’t rejoice with your triumphs? The one that can’t say “Congratulations”,  “Good Job”, “I’m proud of you” etc. ? As you achieve your dreams, from them you gain no support. They are disgruntled. They are angry. They talk about you. Sometimes even in front of you they talk, but they do not have enough character to speak directly to you.

Often in life, when we are on the right track, we encounter such people who try to discourage us. For me, these people inspire me even more. It feeds the fire, and encourages me to keep going. It tells me I am on to something good! These people, are just a test, to see how bad we want whatever it is we are after. These people, are disgruntled because we are  doing something they can’t. They are upset because as they see us succeed, they feel they have fallen short in their own life.

So, let them talk. Let them laugh. Let  them discourage you because they have nothing in their own life to be proud of.  Because in the end, when you have reached your goals, you get the final laugh. Not them.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Walking In Other People’s Shadows

I remember having my children outside in their younger years as they began to walk. All three of them, at a young ages, were afraid of shadows. It didn’t matter if it was yours, mine, or theirs, they were afraid. As the sun beat down allowing their shadows to appear, they ran. And they cried! They tried so hard to get away from any  shadows, yet the shadows still remained. Shadows would inevitably follow them wherever they went. As long as there was light, there would be a shadow.

Recently, a close friend of mine, stated that she felt as though she were walking in my shadow. She is only steps away from beginning the difficult journey of single parenting.  She watches me, she listens to my cares and worries, and she asks my advice. I tell her the truth, the cold hard truth, it’s not a decision to make without knowing the reality of being a single parent.

When pondering her comment “I feel like I’m walking in your shadow” I realized, shadows aren’t a bad thing. It’s the sun’s way of letting us know what is really there. It is reflection of us, who we are, where we are going, and what we are doing. They can serve as a guide for the weary of heart, and motivation for others to create their own shadow, instead of walking in someone elses. If there were never a shadow for us to walk in at some point in our life, our fear would consistently bind us.

A shadow, is just another way to see the sun.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Want To Know The Secret To Life?

Many are unaware of the secret to life; the law of attraction. Our thoughts attract what goes on in our life. If you think negative, you attract negative. If you think positive, you attract positive. Do you think it is coincidence that the same people repeatedly attract good things? It is not, it is simply their thought process.

If you can visualize it, you can achieve it. If you want anything bad enough, it is yours. No matter what, your thoughts create your universe. Positive thoughts will bring positive results, every single time! Observe others, and take mental notes. Are good things happening because they have a good attitude? Are bad things happening because they consistently speak of bad things? It’s interesting what we see, when we look!

I highly recommend this video. It’s 20 minutes of the actual documentary. This 20 minutes, could change the course of your life! “Whatever goes on in your mind, you are attracting to you.” Bob Proctor

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Smile, it really does make people wonder!

A person entered my life over the last few years, an employer, that I developed a unique friendship with. Nobody could stand him, at work, or in town. He ran everyone away with his negativity, well, just about everyone. Some would still come in to get free beer, or food. And a select few of us, simply needed a job.

For me, I kinda felt bad for him. He was the first person in my life with an abundance of negative energy, that didn’t weigh me down. He would sit, and stew, and complain all day. To workers, to customers, about workers, about customers, etc. I would work 13 days straight at times, open to close shifts, and for some reason his consistent complaining didn’t bother me. He reduced every employee to tears with his rages, but somehow, never me. My goal everyday, was to make him smile or laugh.

I filled the room with smiles. I was so happy to be working, that I had a home for my kids, we were all healthy, that I broke free from some of the most controlling people Id met in my life, and that I had my independence. The list could go on for some time. I  felt on top of the world.

Often he would curse and say “Why are you always  so f***ing happy?” My answers would vary from time to time, but often I would say “Because I know it pisses you off” and he would smile, scratch his head, and walk away. When he came back around a few minutes later he would just look at me shaking his head, with a smirk on his face.

When we let go of criticism & overlook flaws in other people, we are then capable of connecting with feelings that border on bliss. When we realize that everyone has all the same tools, and that some aren’t just capable of using them all the same way, we are then able to see positive things in our own life.

When positive things are felt, seen, or heard we find ourselves smiling. And it can be contagious! Lets infect the world with our smiles, and while doing that, the disgruntled people will just have to continue wondering what we are up to. Maybe they will crave it eventually, and begin to smile too.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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How To Reconcile After Your Divorce

The level of damage caused by both parties must be taken into account when reconciliation is being considered. Each party has experienced pain, loss, and a multitude of other emotions. Some wounds can heal quickly. However, it will take much needed time regardless of the size of the injury.

Steps To Reconciliation:

1. Respect one another when it comes to personal space! You will both need time to heal, however, do not put too much distance. Distance when a relationship is already struggling can make the reconciliation process even more complicated.

2. Communicate about everything, and withhold nothing. If you truly want to make it work you must lay all of the cards on the table. Refraining from being honest will only do more damage.

3. Figure out what it was that attracted them to you in the first place, and zoom in on it!

4. Attend a marriage seminar or couples retreat. There are plenty across the country, and likely one in your area.

5. Assess exactly it went wrong as well as what changes either of you have made; in order to prevent another breakup.

6. If you were the one that treated your spouse poorly you should be eating, sleeping, and breathing the words I’m sorry. However, words aren’t everything. Your actions will speak much louder. Be genuine!

7.  Let them see you at your best. Don’t mope around allowing yourself to slip into depression. Reinvent yourself. Become interesting again. Make them wonder what they are missing.

8. If you have children, do not use them to bargain. Do not even let them know that reconciliation is something you are considering. They can see you interacting in a civil manner as adults, however, until reconciliation is guaranteed you must leave them out of it.

9. In every interaction you should be positive, and appear happy. You are on top of the world!

10. Send a random text when you are driving past that place that is special to the two of you.

11. Don’t be afraid to show that your vulnerable side. Tell him/her exactly how you feel. Doing this in doses seems to work best. Sometimes if you lay it on thick all the time, it will have the opposite affect and push them the other way. Tell them how you feel, then back off if they aren’t ready to hear your feelings. Be patient. You may have to do this for months or possibly years, reminding them occasionally that you are still there, and do indeed still love him/her. Sometimes one will remain in “victim” mode for a very long time. When they are in victim mode, they can’t grasp much of what you say. You are that nagging ex! So tread lightly during this step.

12. Fix yourself! When a marriage ends it is because 2 people are broken. Now is a good time for personal counseling if couples counseling is not an option. Dig deep, read a lot of self-help books, and learn everything you have forgotten or have never known about you.

13. Don’t lose hope! Couples reunite every day.  Although there is no secret formula, once hope is lost you can guarantee that reconciliation will never happen.

14. Re-establish your friendship with one another. Get back to the roots from which that mighty tree came from!

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Are they hopeless romantics, or just insecure?

I use to be a hopeless romantic. I wrote love letters, packed his lunch for work with little love notes inside, and I wrote poetry. Just for him. I’d buy him little gifts, plan trips for us together, and I hung by his every word. He was my heart’s desire.
I washed and folded his clothes, cooked for him, and I often greeted him with a hot plate of food after a long days work. When he came home the house would be immaculate, with candles burning, and me anxiously awaiting his arrival. I’d rub his hands that were overworked, I’d rub his back and shoulders, along with his feet. I did it all, for quite some time.
All of these things I have mentioned are characteristics of a “hopeless romantic”. Hopeless romantics are the “doers” in the relationship, for the most part. They are on a mission! They are fixated on love, and the joy it brings. When they feel they have found love, for them, it’s total bliss. Their mission in life, is to find their soul mate!
In hindsight, I can’t help but wonder if it was really because I was insecure that I did these things. Did I subconsciously become a hopeless romantic because I feared more loss in my life? After many defeats, I wanted a victory! I just wanted to be loved, I wanted to hear and see those things returned to me, by him.
As I continued with the behaviors that define a hopeless romantic, so began a path of self-destruction. By constantly fighting to be loved, I lost myself. And eventually, him too. In finding myself again, post divorce, I have now realized how very insecure I was all of those years.
Ironically  now that I am independent and secure with myself;those traits of a hopeless romantic that I once carried seem to be gone.  I still have a romantic side of course, but it is nothing like it once was. Hopeless romantics, I now avoid, when before that was all I wanted in a partner.
hope·less 1. Having no hope; despairing. See Synonyms at despondent. 2. Offering no hope; bleak. 3. Incurable. 4. Having no possibility of solution; impossible.
ro·man·tic
1. Of, relating to, or characteristic of romance. 2. Given to thoughts or feelings of romance. See Synonyms at sentimental. 3. Displaying, expressive of, or conducive to love: a romantic atmosphere. 4. Imaginative but impractical; visionary: romantic notions. 5. Not based on fact; imaginary or fictitious: His memoirs were criticized as a romantic view of the past. 6. often Romantic Of or characteristic of romanticism in the arts. Is this just a coincidence? Or is there some truth to this? Are they hopeless romantics, or just insecure? What do you think?
© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerers with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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3 Years & 4 Months …. To Raise A Man!

Due to the weather, no school, and cooped up children today things around the house got a little crazy. Perhaps, the mattress in the living room as a trampoline was not the best idea. There was bickering galore! After time outs, corners, and taking away privileges it was time that the kids and I had a little talk.

The “little” talk turned out to last about an hour and a half. It was a good bonding moment. It was a time to recognize wrong behaviors. It was a time to get down to what the real issues were, they were obviously beyond the sibling rivalry stuff. When we finished  our talk it was time for bed, and we went about our normal routine.

As I tucked them in and had them say their prayers, a sadness came over me. The sadness of how fast they are growing up, and the fact that I’m only in their life 50% of the time. (Obviously not by choice)

As I walked downstairs, I sat, and I thought “3 years and 4 months of  “my” parenting time left and my baby boy is a man. I sat and continued to think, then began to calculate all the hours in those three years he would be at school, playing sports, and hanging out with his friends. As I continued to think tears rolled down my cheeks.

I have 3 years, and 4 months to raise a man! My time with him (and my girls),  is limited. Our time together is sacred. I have very little time, to teach them many important things. I’ve always known this, I guess it was just the reality of it being year 3 already as a single mom, and doing the math on the little bit of time that’s left before my boy is a man.

I guess it’s why I don’t  get a babysitter so that I can be selfish, and do things I want to do. I can do those things when they are grown. Its why you won’t see me reading a book or just socializing when I’m at a skating rink with them, I’m skating. It’s why I don’t take people’s phone calls most of the time, I will get with you when the kids aren’t here. It’s why you don’t see me on the sidelines at their sporting events, you see me coaching. It’s why I help at the school when they need me, attend their field trips when possible, and have school lunch dates with them. The list goes on and on.

I’ve always been very devoted to them, and involved. I have always enjoyed them and felt this is what I was put on this earth to do. I love making their birthday cakes, sewing costumes, scrapbooking, and all the wonderful things that mothers get to do. I don’t look forward to their bedtime, I don’t shew them away. I love them, I respect them, and I enjoy them.

I’m grateful to have always had the awareness about how fast time goes. It’s something I have always been conscious of.  Tonight, was just different.

When you only see them half as much, they grow up twice as fast. And THAT  reality, hit me much harder tonight than ever before. As I retire from the keyboard, I pray:

Dear God,

Thank you for these amazing children,

and for blessing my life with them.

I cherish them, as you know.

Thank you for protecting them,

and keeping them healthy for as long as you have.

Thank you for their intelligence,

and kind hearts.

Thank you for allowing them to inspire me,

and for allowing them to teach me all I need to know about patience.

I pray now that you continue to encourage them,

comfort them,

and guide them.

I pray for a hedge of protection around them.

I pray that they yield to you,

and live their life according to your plan.

Please allow them to make good decisions

and I beg that you heal their broken hearts.

Thank you, for always coming through!

Amen!

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© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.