single mom

Walking In Other People’s Shadows

I remember having my children outside in their younger years as they began to walk. All three of them, at a young ages, were afraid of shadows. It didn’t matter if it was yours, mine, or theirs, they were afraid. As the sun beat down allowing their shadows to appear, they ran. And they cried! They tried so hard to get away from any  shadows, yet the shadows still remained. Shadows would inevitably follow them wherever they went. As long as there was light, there would be a shadow.

Recently, a close friend of mine, stated that she felt as though she were walking in my shadow. She is only steps away from beginning the difficult journey of single parenting.  She watches me, she listens to my cares and worries, and she asks my advice. I tell her the truth, the cold hard truth, it’s not a decision to make without knowing the reality of being a single parent.

When pondering her comment “I feel like I’m walking in your shadow” I realized, shadows aren’t a bad thing. It’s the sun’s way of letting us know what is really there. It is reflection of us, who we are, where we are going, and what we are doing. They can serve as a guide for the weary of heart, and motivation for others to create their own shadow, instead of walking in someone elses. If there were never a shadow for us to walk in at some point in our life, our fear would consistently bind us.

A shadow, is just another way to see the sun.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Single Moms vs. Wannabe’s


I hear the term single mom often; it is  my life. There is a sense of pride with the title, along with a sense if shame. Most of us intended to raise our children with a partner.  However, for various reasons it didn’t work out. So here we are, truly single and raising children.

When I was married I often said “I’m a single mom with a marriage license.”  I felt very alone and single when it came to rearing the children. He would often come home from work late and the kids were already bathed and in bed. The norm was for the kids to see their dad on Sundays.

When it came to their schooling, doctor’s visit’s, sports activities etc.; it was all me. I did everything but pay the bills and felt I had a right to call myself a single mom. Now I realize, I did not have that right. Nor do other married people who say such a thing. We each played a valuable role, but by falling into traditional gender roles we in time lost respect for one another.

The truth is; A single mom lives alone. She works as many jobs as she needs. She refuses to fail. She refuses to live under someone’s thumb.  She has respect for herself. She will not allow to fear to dictate her life. She is the nurturer, the protector, and the provider. She is an inspiration to those that are miserable and to those who are waiting to take the leap.

She is often judged by catty pampered women, and not respected as much as she should be. She is discriminated against often, but each day she rises again. And each day she succeeds one more time because he is determined. She finds herself doing things she has never done before. She has a strength that can not be explained, and a strength she didn’t know she had.

At least this single mom does anyway….

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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3 Years & 4 Months …. To Raise A Man!

Due to the weather, no school, and cooped up children today things around the house got a little crazy. Perhaps, the mattress in the living room as a trampoline was not the best idea. There was bickering galore! After time outs, corners, and taking away privileges it was time that the kids and I had a little talk.

The “little” talk turned out to last about an hour and a half. It was a good bonding moment. It was a time to recognize wrong behaviors. It was a time to get down to what the real issues were, they were obviously beyond the sibling rivalry stuff. When we finished  our talk it was time for bed, and we went about our normal routine.

As I tucked them in and had them say their prayers, a sadness came over me. The sadness of how fast they are growing up, and the fact that I’m only in their life 50% of the time. (Obviously not by choice)

As I walked downstairs, I sat, and I thought “3 years and 4 months of  “my” parenting time left and my baby boy is a man. I sat and continued to think, then began to calculate all the hours in those three years he would be at school, playing sports, and hanging out with his friends. As I continued to think tears rolled down my cheeks.

I have 3 years, and 4 months to raise a man! My time with him (and my girls),  is limited. Our time together is sacred. I have very little time, to teach them many important things. I’ve always known this, I guess it was just the reality of it being year 3 already as a single mom, and doing the math on the little bit of time that’s left before my boy is a man.

I guess it’s why I don’t  get a babysitter so that I can be selfish, and do things I want to do. I can do those things when they are grown. Its why you won’t see me reading a book or just socializing when I’m at a skating rink with them, I’m skating. It’s why I don’t take people’s phone calls most of the time, I will get with you when the kids aren’t here. It’s why you don’t see me on the sidelines at their sporting events, you see me coaching. It’s why I help at the school when they need me, attend their field trips when possible, and have school lunch dates with them. The list goes on and on.

I’ve always been very devoted to them, and involved. I have always enjoyed them and felt this is what I was put on this earth to do. I love making their birthday cakes, sewing costumes, scrapbooking, and all the wonderful things that mothers get to do. I don’t look forward to their bedtime, I don’t shew them away. I love them, I respect them, and I enjoy them.

I’m grateful to have always had the awareness about how fast time goes. It’s something I have always been conscious of.  Tonight, was just different.

When you only see them half as much, they grow up twice as fast. And THAT  reality, hit me much harder tonight than ever before. As I retire from the keyboard, I pray:

Dear God,

Thank you for these amazing children,

and for blessing my life with them.

I cherish them, as you know.

Thank you for protecting them,

and keeping them healthy for as long as you have.

Thank you for their intelligence,

and kind hearts.

Thank you for allowing them to inspire me,

and for allowing them to teach me all I need to know about patience.

I pray now that you continue to encourage them,

comfort them,

and guide them.

I pray for a hedge of protection around them.

I pray that they yield to you,

and live their life according to your plan.

Please allow them to make good decisions

and I beg that you heal their broken hearts.

Thank you, for always coming through!

Amen!

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© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The grass isn’t greener, that was your new neighbor’s grass that you were admiring!

So often in the last few years I have been approached by women from various walks of life that admire my life from afar as a single mother. I don’t think they admire the life itself so much, but they certainly admire my relationship with my children and can feel the peace and harmony in our home.

They come to me for advice as their marriages and family deteriorate because the grass looks so much greener on this side, to them anyway. I don’t sense that it is the grass appearing greener that attracts them to it. Instead I think  they crave  that sense of self-worth. They want an identity outside of “the wife”  or “the mom of ___.” They want to feel strong, independent, empowered, and like they have a voice. Most of the time, they just want to be heard, but, he just won’t listen. They just want a friend, someone to inspire them and motivate them. Someone that believes in the words that they speak.

Typically when I’m asked my opinion on the matter, what I tell them is this:

The grass isn’t greener. You see, when I jumped off the fence I landed on a pile of dirt. All I could see before the jump was all the pretty grass that others planted. That was their grass. It was up to me to plant the seeds, fertilize it, water it, grow it, and now I get to mow it.

There are still seasons of dryness, and during those times I’m lucky to even have a garden. But, the grass is at least growing. It is growing because it is meticulously cared for and nurtured. It was never just magically there, it took a lot of hard work. Sometimes I worked for hours upon hours to get one little patch, and at other times friends and family arrived to help me get the job done.

So although to the naked eye it seems greener now, you too will start with the same seed and pile of dirt that I once did. You will even find that dogs are still dogs, and will still pee and poop on it. You can build whatever you want on it, it’s a blank canvas! But it is up to you, and only you. You can only count on you, and it will be a long hard road. I am here if you need me no matter what you decide!

I urge them to find another way, and I urge them to find themselves. Some choose to take the advice they asked for, and some choose to ignore it and learn the hard way, just as I did. I do know, however, whatever they do decide that eventually they will see that they too, were guilty of admiring from afar something they didn’t plant.  And that my friend, is a harsh lesson to learn. I highly recommend you try alternatives before taking that route, because whether you stay or go, at some point you will have to face yourself. And you can find yourself, right where you are. There is no need to make life more complicated.

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