society

What Makes You Beautiful?

imageAs my girls began puberty in our fast paced (predominately vain) and materialistic society, the words pretty and beautiful became more and more common in their vocabulary.

At one point my youngest daughter pointed out all of the people who were pretty every time we watched something or went somewhere. (OOO she’s pretty. She’s pretty. Mom, do you think she is pretty? Now she is just beautiful! Seriously, I thought the phase would never end. lol)

Most of their thoughts on beauty stemmed from what they would see on television or in books and magazines. It is what they (and their friends) saw when looking at their favorite celebrities. 

One Saturday morning the girls were talking about celebrities whom they thought were beautiful. Shortly after joining in on the conversation I decided to have a talk with my friend google. I began asking the girls which famous people they thought were the prettiest and proceeded to ask my friend google what those people looked with no make-up. (This was all in effort to teach these ladies about beauty and confidence. Next appeared thousands of images. And a bit of laughing.)

The girls were astonished.  image

(It was the day they realized that celebrities are human. That they put their pants on like the rest of us do. And that even they get pimples! )

Once they saw the first picture we spent well over the next hour or two of our morning calling out names and pulling up images. They could not believe how normal these people looked without their make-up. Images without all of the lights of Hollywood. (And of course without a lot of Photoshop.)

They looked like people you would see on the street. Our neighbors. Or like people at the park or the county fair. They were simply normal every day looking people.

The only celebrity we couldn’t find without make-up amidst our search was none other than Dolly Parton. Now we all know if a photographer gets a photo of that then it will be worth a bundle. I exhausted myself searching. And if anyone knows of one please send it to me. It’s merely principle at this point.

I have always defined beauty as something that comes from within. What we see on the outside fades in time. And anyone with a great deal of money can maintain their exterior shell to appear pretty or beautiful.

Now granted, one can gain plenty of confidence with surgeries, top hair designers, the best of clothes, a good photographer and of course a little Photoshop. But that kind of confidence is temporary. You may feel better in that moment but you won’t necessarily feel better in the end. Beauty comes from within.

imageThe most beautiful people in the world to me …..are those who have confidence. Those people whose moods are not altered or disturbed by what others think of them. They are happy. They carry their head held high and walk with a little pride in their step. There is an aura around them that attracts people to them. 

Beautiful is being proud of who you are and being comfortable in your own skin. 

Beautiful is keeping your held held high. A smile on your face. And joy in your heart. 

Beautiful is so many things to so many different people. Regardless, it is who you are and how you carry yourself that makes you beautiful. Beauty has nothing to do with what you look like on the outside.

Be confident. Be beautiful. And be you.

Beauty….. it truly is just another word for confidence.

What Do You See When Looking At A Confederate (Battle) Flag

confederate flagA Nashville news station asked viewers their opinions on the removal of the Confederate flag from state buildings in South Carolina etc. Walmart also announced the removal of all products with the Confederate emblem from their stores. I stated my opinion, not realizing the amount of support I would have. It was the day of constant Facebook notifications.

My opinion:

I see history with that flag. Leave it. Hate is from within. It has nothing to do with flags, or anything/anyone else. Unless people lived in that era, they should see it as history. We were taught it in school. That’s history. If you hate it otherwise and seeing it stirs bad feelings, that was taught at home. And that hatred is from within.

Do you think of mistreated Christians when you see a Christian flag? Or mistreated gays if you see a gay flag? Do you think of the white Irish slaves when you see their flag? I don’t. To me they are flags. A person who sees negative was taught to see it that way.

Example:

If you took a group of first graders to look at mass amounts of flags they would see flags. They wouldn’t point out a specific one and say “THAT one has to go. It is evil!”

Fast forward years of being taught mixed with ones own feelings, life experiences etc. And take that same group in their 50’s. They would have stories for most both good and bad, and possibly resentment and hatred for some at the very sight of them. Why? They learned to.

The responses from the news post encouraged me to dig deeper and ask around. So I took it a step further in effort to prove my point. I took a poll. Here are the results.

Question: What do you think of when you see this flag?

Age 4   It has staz like the staz on my “shut” (stars, shirt)

Age 6   It has the same colors like the America flag

Age 8   I see you have a flag in your hand (uncontrollably giggling)

Age 10  I think of BIG monster trucks. 

Age 14  I think of the civil war and how the south lost

Age 16  I think of racism

So there you have it. Racism and hatred is a taught/learned behavior.

It is not the flags killing people. It is not a statue that represents history and things our society has overcome that is killing people. It is not the guns killing people. It’s people killing people.

People who were taught to never see the good in something, yes, those people are the ones killing people. You know, those people who were never taught how to love. We should remove those people, not the items in this world they blame for their heartless actions. Those items represent history, and are a reminder of how far we have come. And people like the Charleston shooter, are a reminder of how far we have yet to go.

So What Is There To Get? Some People Stay Friends After A Divorce

I guess you could say this blog has been a long time coming. It probably hadn’t written itself till now because, well, I just wasn’t ready. This blog is dedicated to all of you who have ever uttered this phrase:  “I just don’t get it”

Humans in general often struggle to accept in their lives  that which they do not, cannot, or simply will not, understand. They will then turn the thought, idea, whatever it is, over and , and then push it back  on to the original source and give it a label. Often, it’s an incorrect label. It’s one of mankind’s biggest disgraces. What we don’t understand, we criticize, because it’s the only way we can make it fit into our pretty little box.

We like to call ourselves open-minded, but in reality, very few of us really are. I myself have even fallen into this trap of labeling something as “Odd” or “Weird” that I simply could not grasp.

We will use our own upbringing, our supposed morals, or society in general, as a way to validate that label. And in doing so, we create an even bigger mess of things.

In my case, it happens to be my relationship with my ex-husband. This statement could apply to numerous other things in life, but for the purpose of this blog, we will stick with the ex-husband.

Society and history, more often than not, has taught us that there is no plausible way that two people who once loved each other enough to get married, have children, go through life together, could ever decide to STOP doing that, and still remain cordial.

As a matter of fact, society seems more than pleased with itself when the two individuals battle it out for the whole world to see. Deny it if you must, but people love  drama.

If they don’t immediately see it, they have to then create it. For some reason, other people’s drama often makes us feel better about OUR lot in life, so we kind of need it in many ways.

In my case my ex-husband and I are not only cordial, we are actually still friends. What? That simply cannot BE!!! (Insert collective cyber gasp here!!!!)

Yes. I am afraid it’s true. We are best friends technically, and I still talk to him about 3-4 days per week. Now add to your already overwhelmed brain that my current boyfriend of three years is also  friends with my ex-husband.We hang out frequently together.

I will just give you a minute to process that…

Okay, done?

Here’s the deal. My ex and I were always friends. We built our marriage on that friendship and for the most part we had 13 GOOD years. Our marriage was based on respect and friendship. There was love, sex and all that other good stuff. We also had a slew of great moments and a only handful of bad moments. We couldn’t, despite our friendship and outside counseling navigate those bad moments; so three years ago we divorced.

Now everyone has weighed in on that over the years and that’s fine.

I have always held to the belief that no one, no matter how much you think  you know about another person, ever truly knows another person completely. The same goes for couples or any relationship in general. You can view pieces of it. Snap shots if you will. And sure, you can probably accurately judge what is and what is not a great relationship. But really, at the end of the day, what goes on between two people, behind the walls of their home, is really only between those two people. The real truth lies between those two parties.

It was never easy. Divorce rarely is. Make no mistake. We weren’t dancing around in party hats under a confetti shower, but it was the decision that was made at that time.

But here’s the thing…Divorcing someone does not erase the love in the heart, the memories, or the life you built together.  I never stopped loving him as the person he was. Intelligent. Funny. Easy to talk to. He was a good husband. He was and is a great guy. He simply was no longer my guy. And people don’t “get” that. And you know what? that is okay.

None of us here on earth will ever understand, or “Get” everything that goes on in the world.

In any break up, people want a bad guy. They need to place their anger and frustration on one of the parties. And so I suppose in this one, I got the brunt of it, since I was the final decision maker. And I have taken more than my fair share of the anger and hurt from our friends and family for sure but the reality is, sometimes there is no bad guy.

Sometimes what was; no matter how good, simply ceases to be. Our job, in any circumstance whether it be a marriage, a friendship, or even a career, is to recognize that it has passed its due date, and then go about making the changes that need to occur so that everyone gets to live their best life. No matter how hard or scary those changes can be.

We can never let fear of the unknown prevent us from action.

Sometimes there is nothing to get. Sometimes a situation just IS. We can analyze it to exhaustion if we want, but at some point you have to just say it is.

There is nothing more to get. This is a decision we made. All three of us. Adults, with previous relationships under our belt. And it is working; or us.

Our way may not be your way. And that’s okay. I don’t expect or really even need you to do it our way. But for me, there was no other way. Our relationship changed. It didn’t end. And at the end of the day, all three of us are better for it.

Our unique situation and friendship has made all of us better people.

You want to see what you are really made of? Spend a few hours in a room with your ex-husband. Guess what?? All those things that drove you nuts before, while you were married… Well,  they’re still there and guess what? Now you can’t say squat about it. You turned in your “Free Nagging” pass when you signed on the dotted line. Hah!

Learning to keep my mouth shut has been the greatest gift this friendship has given me. In addition to that I now have TWO great men in my life. One who loved me once. One who loves me now. We have risen above the criticism, the jealousies, and the naysayers. Because of that  we have better, more enriched, and more well-rounded lives.

It is my humble belief that if more people did what we are trying to do the world would be a much more peaceful place. Right?

We were married. We were divorced. We have remained friends. Because we were always friends. There is nothing else to get. When you are comfortable with yourself, when you like yourself and the people in your life, then it really becomes a simple choice.

We  can only analyze something for so long before we must accept that it just is. Life is too short to waste energy trying to sort it all out. It’s too short to live your life full of doubts. Regrets. And full of hate and anger.

We only get one shot at this thing called life. Why not walk the path surrounded by a great group of eclectic people? Why not go crazy and do the unexpected? Why not look society in the face and say screw you, it can be done, it is being done, and I will show you how.

Go out and live your best life friends. And don’t let anyone else define how that life should be. It’s your picture. Color it as you see fit!