I see it all too often, the bitter vindictive ex-wife who uses her children as a pawn. She wishes to wipe away memories of dad with her replacement husband, in hopes nobody uncovers her superficial and quite fictitious life. She alienates. She monitors everything. And boy oh boy is she clueless.
Dear Spiteful Mother,
First and foremost, you are unfit to be a parent. Anyone who would try to dictate their child’s love for a parent and prohibit visitation etc., should have the child(ren) removed from that situation immediately. Including yourself. You simply have no understanding as to what is in your child’s best interest.
I am sorry that nobody has ever made you feel loved quite enough, and that you feel a need to cling to your child as if you are the one living his/her life. His/her relationships with your ex, is not YOUR relationship with your ex. So…. get over yourself. Move on.
Your child in time will likely resent all you are doing now. And if you were not completely stuck on stupid you would understand that the more you are told you cant have or do something, the more you will want to in time. And in time, that child or those children will begin to piece things together and form their own opinions. More often than not, they flee to the parent they were forbidden to see.
I would suggest you pull your head out of your rear, and start to love yourself. Only then will you have the ability to pull off that mask you wear so well, and truly love your child(ren). Children love both of their parents. Obviously. Because despite your actions your child(ren) still love you.
Although you may think you are winning small battles here and there, you are setting yourself up to lose the war. Because in the end, the child always resents the parent who manipulates them just as you are doing now. You are doing irreversible damage to your child(ren).
So I think it is time that you pick on someone your own size. The world has enough to deal with, and the last thing it needs….. is one more person in society that you so selfishly and willingly screwed up.
A Mom Who Cares
The majority of people who suspect cheating probably should. Usually that is your instincts trying to tell you something.
Those who don’t suspect cheating in their relationship, should still have this knowledge. There are two reasons I suggest this. 1) It can happen to anyone, and 2) It’s not a bad thing to know what signs and symptoms to look for. Most people don’t know the signs of a cheater, until it is a little too late.
1.) Appearance – Has he/she taken more pride in personal appearance lately such as: new clothes, cologne/perfume, working out, new hairstyles etc.? If they are getting all done up just for a trip to the grocery store or other trips that are out of the ordinary, then something is probably fishy. Granted, some people do naturally take pride in their appearance. With cheaters it is more of a sudden change in their normal patterns of getting ready, what they wear, how they look etc.
2.) Nit-Picking – Is he/she picking a fight just to get away or using the notorious “Time to think” or “I have some work to do at the office” excuse? Cheaters do this every day. They will literally pick a fight just so they have a reason to get away from you and do what they do…cheat!
3.) More Frequent Trips – Is he/she leaving the house more frequently? Granted this is not always the case. Work affairs happen so often and their time is mostly accounted for.
4) Abandonment Technique – Is he/she leaving you with the children knowing you won’t drag them to check up on him/her? This is a common trick for married couples. Once the kids are in bed it makes it hard for the one left behind to check out anything questionable in their partners behavior.
5.) New Tunes – Is he/she listening to new music? Lyrics are crucial!!! Especially for ladies! We identify with songs as though they are the meaning of our own life and experiences. Now ladies, men are usually opposite on this one. They can truly listen to a song and think about absolutely nothing.
6.) Internet – Is he/she on the computer a lot? If they are spending more time talking to and interacting with people on the internet than they are with you then it would be a huge flag. Where we invest our time speaks volumes as to which relationships mean the most.
7.) Uninvited – Is he/she doing things/activities and you are not welcome or even invited to attend? Some will purposely schedule or portray to schedule activities you detest because they know you will not want to go. (Call their bluff the next time and watch their reaction.)
8.) Unhappy – Has he/she mentioned unhappiness in the relationship in the last 6-12 months? Typically mentioning being unhappy with the relationship happens just before an affair begins. In a sense it is a cry for help. Or a warning call per say.
9.) Contacts – Are there any unusual numbers or contacts in his/her cellular phone or on the bill? Many men will make up a guys name and many females will make up a ladies name so that it appears to just be a text from a friend. Another one in this category is the mentioning of hanging out with the friend you have never heard of.
10.) Secretive – Has he/she been more secretive or distant? If you are communicating less and he or she is keeping to themselves more then that may be a flag.
11.) Depression – Has he/she recently suffered from depression? Depression can do many things to the mind. A simple compliment could carry the depressed person far away, into a land of hope. And boom, affair.
12.) Loss – Has he/she recently lost a loved one? Losing a loved one causes us to reevaluate our lives. Some develop a need to live as though they were dying themselves after losing someone close to them.
13.) Changes In bedroom – Is there a sudden lack of interest or a sudden uncontrollable interest in sex? This too is an obvious sign. Affairs can play both sides however. But definitely question when new techniques or ideas appear.
So many affairs fly under the radar before being detected and these above mentioned things are very obvious signs. If you have answered yes to a few of these, you likely have some research to do about your partner.
If they are on the computer a lot you can install spyware if you just need proof. This can also be added to their cellular phone.
If you have kids and can’t get away when they take off you can always hire a P.I. relatively cheap. And sometimes you can trick them in to coming clean without providing hardly any information. 9 times out of 10 people discover that the instincts that led them to question it in the first place, were right all along.
Whatever you do, do not let them manipulate you into thinking you are crazy for suspecting something. Dig and dig until the truth is revealed if that is what you are searching for.
Always remember, what is done in the darkness will always be brought to light.
This method of determining how people in your life will treat you has proven itself to be true. Time. And. Time. Again.
If you quietly watch other people and really listen to what they say then you will easily see who is who. From there you can determine what you will and will not tolerate from the people you have in your life.
By using Life’s Golden Rules For Relationships your circle may get a little smaller (or it may get a lot smaller) but let it! The quality of people in it after you purge out the bullshitters will be worth your while. You will find yourself much happier and you will likely take notice that life is much calmer. Not to mention it becomes SO peaceful!
The Golden Rules of Any Relationship:
If they lie to others in front of you- they will lie to you too.
If they talk bad about others in front of you- they will talk bad about you too.
If they steal something right in front of you- they will steal from you too.
If they disrespect others in front of you- they will disrespect you too.
If they hide who they are from others- they will hide it from you too.
If they cheat on someone to be with you- they will cheat on you too.
If they blame others for their problems- someday they will blame you too.
If they use people in front of you- then eventually they will use you too.
Although genuine people are hard to find, by using this method you will quickly see who is who. (Just be mindful of their actions and hear their every word.)
And once they have shown you their true colors, believe them.
© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
As parents we all want to see our children become successful adults. And sometimes it is hard not to give them exactly what they want and when they want it. (Especially if it was something we wanted as a kid too.) But it is important that we force them to wait on some things, work for some things, and develop a respect and appreciation for life itself.
“We can not give them everything they want or we are creating huge barriers for them in their adult life”
There are ten obvious personality traits I have observed in adults who grew up with parents who helped just a little too much. See if any of these apply to anyone you know and reflect on their childhood and upbringing. I assure you that there is a link.
Entitlement – Pampered children feel entitled to everything they have. They make some of the greatest bigots with their “my way or the highway” attitude. What is yours is theirs and what is theirs, is theirs. You will often hear phrases such as: “I deserve this because____”, “It’s mine”, It’s my (house), and so on. They have a horrible time sharing as both children and adults. They often appear to have a holier than thou attitude.
Emotionally Immature – Pampering your children stunts their emotional growth and makes them needy. They find it very difficult to be alone. They have major communication barriers and throw their own type of temper tantrum but in an adult format. They have a hard time controlling their emotions and are known for such outbursts. Again, these outbursts were visible long before adulthood.
These personalities have anger, rage, and resentment for anyone or anything who/that prevent them from getting their way. They are known to hit things, throw things, and punch walls, etc. They preach for truth from others and believe in giving others constructive criticism but they absolutely despise those who return the favor. Anything you say negative about/to them is an assault on their character. They feel attacked. And boy do they become defensive!
Codependent – Pampered children never learn to do things fully on their own as an adult. So whether it be their parents or someone else they will spend most of their life depending on others for something. They will stay in toxic relationships in fear of being alone. And they will call their parents for every aspect of their adult life. They have a horrible time making adult decisions on their own, and every bend in the road is a meltdown. They crack easily under pressure.
Socially Awkward – It is as though they do not fit in any particular social circles. The people they do associate with typically only accept them because they are like minded, or because they use to know them when they were kids. They have very few close friends. They make strange statements at inappropriate times and often have no filter. They come across as extremely ungrateful.
Lack of Empathy – Pampered children try very little to understand people or where they have been in life. They do not feel they have to or need to. They believe you get what you give and had you been a better person, then perhaps it would not have happened to you. At times they appear just plain old heartless. They can not even attempt to understand because they are busy thinking about what you are saying, and how it will affect them. They hear what they want.
Little or No Self Control – Pampered children have a hard time controlling their emotions and their actions as both children and adults. This is terrible news friends! They often become drug and alcohol addicted, they drive recklessly, and they have an attitude of being invincible. Nothing can destroy them… until it does. Again. And again. And again. But they keep doing it anyway because they just can’t control it. And all their parents have ever done is make excuses for their behavior. So they continue on their path of self destruction. The end results, are horrifying.
Verbally Abusive – Because the pampered child feels bad about themselves deep down inside they will routinely attack others verbally. They feel best about themselves when those around them are at their lowest. It gives them a sense of power and control. To them they are superior. Their words pierce like knives and due to their lack of empathy they have for others they remain unmoved by any pain they have caused you. Things elevate quickly sometimes leading to physical abuse. (It only takes one witty response.)
Relationship Issues – It is hard for pampered children to have successful marriages and long term relationships. There are communication issues, addiction issues, financial issues, and so much more. Nine times out of ten they will need a very submissive partner for the dictatorship they desire. For they are king/queen of the castle.
Lazy Parents – Many who grew up pampered become lazy parents themselves. They depend on their spouse to do the bulk of the housework and child rearing. They rely on their spouse, grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. to get anything involving the kids done for them. And although their laziness rears quite independent children, it has its repercussions too. They appear to have poor relationships and rapport with their children.
Zero Balance – Pampered children never fully grow up and and it seems that they are unable to maintain their balance. One area of their life is consistently lacking and when that area pulls together, the next area falls apart. But they do not worry a bit about not being a balanced person. Why? Because they know that no matter how old they are, mommy and daddy will always come rescue them. “It isn’t their fault”. “Bad things just happen to good people!”…….and so the cycle continues.
So there you have it folks! Those are ten personality traits of an adult who had their parents help them just a little too much as a child. Yes, a child whose loyalty was bought with money in a home where free thinking was condemned. A child who never learned how to truly love who they are. A child who got bigger, taller, and older but still today….. they still just can’t seem to grow up.
If personalities clash and you are finding yourself frustrated around a person more than you find yourself full of joy and happiness – it is an easy fix. Instead of trying to mold and change the individual, change where you are spending your time instead. After that, everything will start falling into place.
© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerers with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
What is shared parenting like when one parent is already controlling?
What most people do not realize; is that when they go to leave a controlling person the control does not stop there. Especially in regards to a divorce with minor children. Often the children are used as pawns. They are bribed, manipulated, and in some cases completely brainwashed.
In today’s court systems; shared parenting seems to be the most common agreement reached in regards to custody. In some cases, it should be named shared chaos. I don’t find these agreements to be appropriate in cases where there have been control issues. It is only setting up the stage for a show that the children will never forget. “If the two parents couldn’t agree and cooperate married, odds are they never will. There will always be hiccups.”
The controlling person may not show up when they say to pick up or return the children. He/She may not return their child’s calls. And often times, he/she uses mind games with the children to get his/her digs in on you. It is a sick game that they play, and often feels to those being controlled as though they are imprisoned. They got away from the environment, and away from the person. Yet still today, that person manages to control them with the children they share.
Examples of control issues post decree:
You have planned a day with the children. The other parent is fully aware. He/she decides you can’t have the kids that day at the last-minute. Now he/she is in control again.
He/she knows that you have a busy day. It is his/her day with the children. Suddenly you get a call from your child/children asking if you can keep them on the other parents parenting time. Of course, you say yes. But then find yourself wondering how you will ever get everything done now, who will babysit, etc. The controlling person has just caused you to get worked up, and he/she wins!
He/She tells the children things such as : “NO, you can’t go see your mom/dad it is MY week!” Or better yet,” NO, you can’t call your mom/dad!” I have read in countless books that this is the absolute worst thing for any parent to do. Interfering with their relationship with the other parent will cause deep seeded issues. They need to figure out who is who, themselves. Nine times out of ten the child as an adult will resent the parent that interfered.
When a person has issues with control and their partner walks away; they begin to lose control themselves. The children this now divorced couple share are the controlling person’s only way left to control their former partner. Whether it be mind games with the kids or you; the control does not typically stop just by filing for a divorce and divorcing.
In time the intensity of the control may cease but time is the key factor. It is usually when the children are grown and have finally find their voice to speak up for themselves. This typically does not bring favorable results for the parent with control issues. SO meanwhile, just bite your tongue whenever necessary and bide your time.
Until a controlling person discovers who they are and solve the issues that turned them into a controlling person in the first place; things will be as they have always been. Stressful and overbearing.
© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.
I guess you could say this blog has been a long time coming. It probably hadn’t written itself till now because, well, I just wasn’t ready. This blog is dedicated to all of you who have ever uttered this phrase: “I just don’t get it”
Humans in general often struggle to accept in their lives that which they do not, cannot, or simply will not, understand. They will then turn the thought, idea, whatever it is, over and , and then push it back on to the original source and give it a label. Often, it’s an incorrect label. It’s one of mankind’s biggest disgraces. What we don’t understand, we criticize, because it’s the only way we can make it fit into our pretty little box.
We like to call ourselves open-minded, but in reality, very few of us really are. I myself have even fallen into this trap of labeling something as “Odd” or “Weird” that I simply could not grasp.
We will use our own upbringing, our supposed morals, or society in general, as a way to validate that label. And in doing so, we create an even bigger mess of things.
In my case, it happens to be my relationship with my ex-husband. This statement could apply to numerous other things in life, but for the purpose of this blog, we will stick with the ex-husband.
Society and history, more often than not, has taught us that there is no plausible way that two people who once loved each other enough to get married, have children, go through life together, could ever decide to STOP doing that, and still remain cordial.
As a matter of fact, society seems more than pleased with itself when the two individuals battle it out for the whole world to see. Deny it if you must, but people love drama.
If they don’t immediately see it, they have to then create it. For some reason, other people’s drama often makes us feel better about OUR lot in life, so we kind of need it in many ways.
In my case my ex-husband and I are not only cordial, we are actually still friends. What? That simply cannot BE!!! (Insert collective cyber gasp here!!!!)
Yes. I am afraid it’s true. We are best friends technically, and I still talk to him about 3-4 days per week. Now add to your already overwhelmed brain that my current boyfriend of three years is also friends with my ex-husband.We hang out frequently together.
I will just give you a minute to process that…
Here’s the deal. My ex and I were always friends. We built our marriage on that friendship and for the most part we had 13 GOOD years. Our marriage was based on respect and friendship. There was love, sex and all that other good stuff. We also had a slew of great moments and a only handful of bad moments. We couldn’t, despite our friendship and outside counseling navigate those bad moments; so three years ago we divorced.
Now everyone has weighed in on that over the years and that’s fine.
I have always held to the belief that no one, no matter how much you think you know about another person, ever truly knows another person completely. The same goes for couples or any relationship in general. You can view pieces of it. Snap shots if you will. And sure, you can probably accurately judge what is and what is not a great relationship. But really, at the end of the day, what goes on between two people, behind the walls of their home, is really only between those two people. The real truth lies between those two parties.
It was never easy. Divorce rarely is. Make no mistake. We weren’t dancing around in party hats under a confetti shower, but it was the decision that was made at that time.
But here’s the thing…Divorcing someone does not erase the love in the heart, the memories, or the life you built together. I never stopped loving him as the person he was. Intelligent. Funny. Easy to talk to. He was a good husband. He was and is a great guy. He simply was no longer my guy. And people don’t “get” that. And you know what? that is okay.
None of us here on earth will ever understand, or “Get” everything that goes on in the world.
In any break up, people want a bad guy. They need to place their anger and frustration on one of the parties. And so I suppose in this one, I got the brunt of it, since I was the final decision maker. And I have taken more than my fair share of the anger and hurt from our friends and family for sure but the reality is, sometimes there is no bad guy.
Sometimes what was; no matter how good, simply ceases to be. Our job, in any circumstance whether it be a marriage, a friendship, or even a career, is to recognize that it has passed its due date, and then go about making the changes that need to occur so that everyone gets to live their best life. No matter how hard or scary those changes can be.
We can never let fear of the unknown prevent us from action.
Sometimes there is nothing to get. Sometimes a situation just IS. We can analyze it to exhaustion if we want, but at some point you have to just say it is.
There is nothing more to get. This is a decision we made. All three of us. Adults, with previous relationships under our belt. And it is working; or us.
Our way may not be your way. And that’s okay. I don’t expect or really even need you to do it our way. But for me, there was no other way. Our relationship changed. It didn’t end. And at the end of the day, all three of us are better for it.
Our unique situation and friendship has made all of us better people.
You want to see what you are really made of? Spend a few hours in a room with your ex-husband. Guess what?? All those things that drove you nuts before, while you were married… Well, they’re still there and guess what? Now you can’t say squat about it. You turned in your “Free Nagging” pass when you signed on the dotted line. Hah!
Learning to keep my mouth shut has been the greatest gift this friendship has given me. In addition to that I now have TWO great men in my life. One who loved me once. One who loves me now. We have risen above the criticism, the jealousies, and the naysayers. Because of that we have better, more enriched, and more well-rounded lives.
It is my humble belief that if more people did what we are trying to do the world would be a much more peaceful place. Right?
We were married. We were divorced. We have remained friends. Because we were always friends. There is nothing else to get. When you are comfortable with yourself, when you like yourself and the people in your life, then it really becomes a simple choice.
We can only analyze something for so long before we must accept that it just is. Life is too short to waste energy trying to sort it all out. It’s too short to live your life full of doubts. Regrets. And full of hate and anger.
We only get one shot at this thing called life. Why not walk the path surrounded by a great group of eclectic people? Why not go crazy and do the unexpected? Why not look society in the face and say screw you, it can be done, it is being done, and I will show you how.
Go out and live your best life friends. And don’t let anyone else define how that life should be. It’s your picture. Color it as you see fit!
We are all human and we all make mistakes. In some cases it hinders relationships and apologies are necessary. But how do we know if someone is truly sorry for their actions?
Admittance – Without admitting what we have done wrong we remain in a state of denial. While in denial, it is impossible to break the cycle. If your partner has admitted their wrong doings, you are heading in the right direction.
Apologetic – Anyone can apologize and say what people want to hear. When wondering how sorry a person is, ask yourself how sincere the apology was. Or was there even an apology? No apology is denial of the behavior and a guarantee that those emotions that prompted you to read this, will resurface again until the cycle is broken.
Actions – After admitting a wrongdoing and apologizing it is important to put words into action. At this stage the apologetic person should be taking large strides to correct his/her issues. This should be something seen regularly vs. something seen for the few days following a disagreement. Although we may slip up when making changes and revert to old behaviors from time to time, when someone is truly sorry you will see more days of effort than you will days of the old behavior.
Change – When a person is truly apologetic, change is noticeable. There are no gray areas. This person has not only admitted it and apologized, but he/she is actively trying to help himself/herself. Whether it be by reading materials pertaining to the issues, or receiving counseling for his/her problems the changes should be noticeable.
Accept – Someone that is truly sorry can take the heat, and will acknowledge what they have done along with accepting the repercussions. They will suggest ways to mend fences, and admit that they guided the relationship to this position. They will accept any emotions they have caused those they have hurt as though they were their own. They will be understanding, compassionate, and patient.
“Until people decide with the right intentions to change for themselves,
….. change is impossible.”