I have seen countless situations where people deny their past. They deny what they have done, or what has been done to them. They deny their experiences. Their fear of admitting mistakes or failures enables them to continue in their negative cycle. Simply put, it cripples them and they can not grow as a person. Instead they keep making the same mistakes, again and again.
By denying our past experiences we set ourselves up to fail. If we can’t admit where we have been or screwed up in life, how could we even begin to correct it? By hiding it or denying the experiences we are merely doing a patch job. As we know, patches only hold so long.
By laying it all out there and owning every experience: nobody has anything over us. We can walk in peace, with no secrets. We live in light instead of darkness.
There is nobody worth keeping secrets. We are worth more than that. By owning our past and our experiences we begin to walk in truth. We can then break the negative cycles and patterns; and begin to experience peace and happiness.
We have to own our experiences, and learn from them. It is the only way to level up in the game of life. If we can’t admit them, how can we ever truly recognize what needs changed?
© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.
I guess you could say this blog has been a long time coming. It probably hadn’t written itself till now because, well, I just wasn’t ready. This blog is dedicated to all of you who have ever uttered this phrase: “I just don’t get it”
Humans in general often struggle to accept in their lives that which they do not, cannot, or simply will not, understand. They will then turn the thought, idea, whatever it is, over and , and then push it back on to the original source and give it a label. Often, it’s an incorrect label. It’s one of mankind’s biggest disgraces. What we don’t understand, we criticize, because it’s the only way we can make it fit into our pretty little box.
We like to call ourselves open-minded, but in reality, very few of us really are. I myself have even fallen into this trap of labeling something as “Odd” or “Weird” that I simply could not grasp.
We will use our own upbringing, our supposed morals, or society in general, as a way to validate that label. And in doing so, we create an even bigger mess of things.
In my case, it happens to be my relationship with my ex-husband. This statement could apply to numerous other things in life, but for the purpose of this blog, we will stick with the ex-husband.
Society and history, more often than not, has taught us that there is no plausible way that two people who once loved each other enough to get married, have children, go through life together, could ever decide to STOP doing that, and still remain cordial.
As a matter of fact, society seems more than pleased with itself when the two individuals battle it out for the whole world to see. Deny it if you must, but people love drama.
If they don’t immediately see it, they have to then create it. For some reason, other people’s drama often makes us feel better about OUR lot in life, so we kind of need it in many ways.
In my case my ex-husband and I are not only cordial, we are actually still friends. What? That simply cannot BE!!! (Insert collective cyber gasp here!!!!)
Yes. I am afraid it’s true. We are best friends technically, and I still talk to him about 3-4 days per week. Now add to your already overwhelmed brain that my current boyfriend of three years is also friends with my ex-husband.We hang out frequently together.
I will just give you a minute to process that…
Here’s the deal. My ex and I were always friends. We built our marriage on that friendship and for the most part we had 13 GOOD years. Our marriage was based on respect and friendship. There was love, sex and all that other good stuff. We also had a slew of great moments and a only handful of bad moments. We couldn’t, despite our friendship and outside counseling navigate those bad moments; so three years ago we divorced.
Now everyone has weighed in on that over the years and that’s fine.
I have always held to the belief that no one, no matter how much you think you know about another person, ever truly knows another person completely. The same goes for couples or any relationship in general. You can view pieces of it. Snap shots if you will. And sure, you can probably accurately judge what is and what is not a great relationship. But really, at the end of the day, what goes on between two people, behind the walls of their home, is really only between those two people. The real truth lies between those two parties.
It was never easy. Divorce rarely is. Make no mistake. We weren’t dancing around in party hats under a confetti shower, but it was the decision that was made at that time.
But here’s the thing…Divorcing someone does not erase the love in the heart, the memories, or the life you built together. I never stopped loving him as the person he was. Intelligent. Funny. Easy to talk to. He was a good husband. He was and is a great guy. He simply was no longer my guy. And people don’t “get” that. And you know what? that is okay.
None of us here on earth will ever understand, or “Get” everything that goes on in the world.
In any break up, people want a bad guy. They need to place their anger and frustration on one of the parties. And so I suppose in this one, I got the brunt of it, since I was the final decision maker. And I have taken more than my fair share of the anger and hurt from our friends and family for sure but the reality is, sometimes there is no bad guy.
Sometimes what was; no matter how good, simply ceases to be. Our job, in any circumstance whether it be a marriage, a friendship, or even a career, is to recognize that it has passed its due date, and then go about making the changes that need to occur so that everyone gets to live their best life. No matter how hard or scary those changes can be.
We can never let fear of the unknown prevent us from action.
Sometimes there is nothing to get. Sometimes a situation just IS. We can analyze it to exhaustion if we want, but at some point you have to just say it is.
There is nothing more to get. This is a decision we made. All three of us. Adults, with previous relationships under our belt. And it is working; or us.
Our way may not be your way. And that’s okay. I don’t expect or really even need you to do it our way. But for me, there was no other way. Our relationship changed. It didn’t end. And at the end of the day, all three of us are better for it.
Our unique situation and friendship has made all of us better people.
You want to see what you are really made of? Spend a few hours in a room with your ex-husband. Guess what?? All those things that drove you nuts before, while you were married… Well, they’re still there and guess what? Now you can’t say squat about it. You turned in your “Free Nagging” pass when you signed on the dotted line. Hah!
Learning to keep my mouth shut has been the greatest gift this friendship has given me. In addition to that I now have TWO great men in my life. One who loved me once. One who loves me now. We have risen above the criticism, the jealousies, and the naysayers. Because of that we have better, more enriched, and more well-rounded lives.
It is my humble belief that if more people did what we are trying to do the world would be a much more peaceful place. Right?
We were married. We were divorced. We have remained friends. Because we were always friends. There is nothing else to get. When you are comfortable with yourself, when you like yourself and the people in your life, then it really becomes a simple choice.
We can only analyze something for so long before we must accept that it just is. Life is too short to waste energy trying to sort it all out. It’s too short to live your life full of doubts. Regrets. And full of hate and anger.
We only get one shot at this thing called life. Why not walk the path surrounded by a great group of eclectic people? Why not go crazy and do the unexpected? Why not look society in the face and say screw you, it can be done, it is being done, and I will show you how.
Go out and live your best life friends. And don’t let anyone else define how that life should be. It’s your picture. Color it as you see fit!
Honesty is huge in any relationship. It fuels trust. Without trust, the fires of love burn out quite quickly. Sometimes, instantly. © Angela Bininger 2009-2015
As we all know relationships are a lot of work. When feelings of love crowd in, logic sometimes gets lost. At times we may find ourselves questioning things, yet afraid to ask because we fear it is our own paranoia from a previous relationship or heartache. One thing I have found for certain, is that those instincts that lead you to question something have lead you there for a reason.
Signs Your Partner Is Being
Dishonest Or Hiding Something
He/She keeps to himself/herself – People who bottle emotions have a tendency to hide things other than their emotions. They seem to have a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy, or an “ask and I will tell if I want policy”.
He/She goes with whatever everyone else thinks/says/feels- I have seen this pattern quite often. Dishonest people seem to not have opinions of their own. Instead you will see/hear them regurgitate opinions or feelings of someone else as their own. They will take a conversation you have with them and tell it like it is their own to someone else. Often they will do this right in front of you, unknowingly.
Stories seem to have holes – When asking serious questions take good mental notes. If something is suspicious ask the same question in a different manner, on different occasions. Eventually, he/she will trip up and you will begin to find stories with holes in them. Most of the time if one lie is found, there are plenty more where that one came from.
Beats around the bush if questioned, even on the simplest things – It is hard for a liar to give rapid and direct answers. If questioned they will either beat around the bush, or provide an answer with very little to no information. They are usually a slow responder.
Answering the question without answering the question – Liars are notorious for turning a question around. It is often a word game and if not worded properly it was never said, or never happened. For example : You ask after a spouse/partner has cheated “Have you talked to _____?” They answer “I haven’t seen _____?” They offer enough information to satisfy the taste of the one inquiring. In this particular example, the question wasn’t answered directly. “No I haven’t seen him/her” is a huge flag. That was not the question asked. The question was “Have you talked to him/her”.
Liars live in a life of denial. They do not know who they are and are insecure. They use other’s words/thoughts/opinions/feelings and voice them as their own and respond to questions of others slowly because they are retracing their steps and trying to figure out what they last told and to who.
Until they decide to step out of denial, all you can do is keep confronting. And when you are tired of confronting the issues, walk away. People are people and although some change over time, some never will.
© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
No long explanation. No reconciliation. No lets talk it over, number you can call. Goodbye says it all! *Blackhawk*
The biggest mistake we make at times is saying goodbye, or so we think. We fool ourselves into believing that in the eyes of someone else, we are worth fighting for. That our relationship with them meant to them, what it did to us. The truth is, that is hardly the case in any relationship. Wether it be romantic or what one thinks is an innocent opposite sex relationship, one always seems to feel more than the other. One always seems to have higher expectations.
As we walk away threatening our goodbyes while hoping deep down that another person will change their ways or even put up a fight to keep us, we begin living in denial. We begin to loose ourselves. It is crucial to maintain your dignity, and keep walking. Despite the pain of goodbye, 99% of the time it is worth it. It will make for a much sweeter “hello” with someone who believes what we believe, and that we truly jive with.
As we kick ourselves during the mourning process of saying goodbye, we must not wallow in our own self pity. After all, we chose to walk away right? Perhaps when we walked away from someone who we think we still love, goodbye said it all to them. Are they suppose to spend their life consumed with thoughts of us? Or are they suppose to learn their lessons, heal, and move forward?
In the initial stages of break-ups , we truly believe we still love someone out of fear and fear alone. Once we move out of fear, we will then see that the break-up that occurred, occurred for a reason. It occurred to take us to a much brighter destination. It occurred so the we can be in complete control of our happiness.
Before saying goodbye, remember that to many people in this world, “Goodbye says it all.” Never say goodbye and expect someone to beg you to be in their life. It just doesn’t work that way. Pick up the pieces, and move on. Brighter days will come.
Just referencing the word infidelity can bring great pain to one that has been in a relationship where it has occurred. The grieving process when a partner has cheated with one, or even multiple partners is often compared to death. To a degree that process is the same. The pain is deep, and it is real. Life as you knew it has ended.
Initially it begins with the shock and denial phase. You just can’t believe it. Even when you have seen the signs and your partner lied, this phase is a tough one. The emptiness in the stomach and the pressure you feel on your chest is unbearable. It is as though you stood under a crane and a piece of a concrete wall just fell on you. It squashes you.
Once you realized this is your new reality you begin to bargain, and reason. Then comes anger! You want every memory and trace gone. None of it was real. There is no need for memories to inflict more pain. You become consumed with thoughts and visuals of who your partner really is. What they were doing all those times you trusted them. Often times, you are ready to hurt someone and there better be not a soul that rubs you the wrong way. Anger, is dangerous.
Depression comes next, and then eventually you reach a point of acceptance. Anyone who bears the pains of an unfaithful partner will have experienced all five of these stages. They occur in any order. They can come one at a time, two at a time, and sometimes all at the same time. The betrayed partner could simply be driving down the road, then suddenly FLASHBACK! Ahhh, the pain is back! And it is all so real! It is hard to control! Mourning that loss of someone you loved. Someone you believed it. Your lover, and your friend. Now that is a painful bump in the road. A bump that can be crippling. It paralyzes the victim, they become frozen. They feel as though they were watching this movie, and out of nowhere the movie ends. IT’S OVER, THE END!
What makes the grief process with infidelity different from that of a death is the fact that as humans we expect death. Even when it’s premature death, it is reality that we will all eventually die. What we do not expect to have is that a partner is unfaithful. We do not expect them to be out with others laughing, and sexing it up. They are living a double life, all while the faithful stay faithful. They stay true to themselves. They stay true to who they are. And that is what makes it so devastating. The faithful, now bear a pain that they never deserved.
The faithful now visit doctors in hopes that they haven’t contracted a life long illness for that sake of their partners addiction to sex. The faithful now wonder if anything was ever real. The faithful ask why? Why wasn’t I worth the truth? How could you do this to me? Why did you string me along? How could you lie to me all those times I asked and you made me think I was crazy making up scenarios? How could you throw away everything we ever had for someone who meant nothing?
The absolute worst part of having suffered from the actions of an unfaithful partner, is that the victim is not only hurt by their cheating partner. The victim is not just going through the stages of grief and mourning the loss of a person, or a dream. The victim often feels sexually assaulted. The victim has no idea where there partner has been, or where those other people have been. The victim wasn’t worth their partner using protection to prevent infecting innocent people. The victim, has now slept with people that he/she has never met or known. The feelings of this, are devastating. The victim feels dirty.
So to the victims that read this, I am sorry. You aren’t dirty. It is not your fault. Your partner is sick. They need help. You can’t help them and that is not your fault. Their connection to you was deep. They avoided their feelings by using other people in place of what they really loved. They didn’t know who they were. They were weak and insecure. And they will get what they deserve.
To the whores, and cheaters – Thanks for continuing to populate the world with your infectious bodies. Now go get a hobby. Gain some respect for yourself. Show some character. And grow the hell up. It is not all about you and fulfilling your selfish desires at the expense of other people.
Your friends that support your lifestyle you lived while cheating on your partner(s), are worthless. A true friend would have told you it wasn’t right. A true friend would want you to do well in life. A true friend would want you to become the best person you can be. So as the partner you once had leaves, remember that your pathetic people who supported your ignorance, are the same classless bastards you deserve. And keep an eye out, this will all come back around. Karma, is karma. And you will get yours!
As spouses we want to believe that there is hope, and that the behavior is something we can correct. We believe the if we do certain things, say certain things, avoid situations, and act a certain way it will change the alcoholics mindset. We think that if we avoid alcohol itself that it will help. After all, if we drink they will want to drink. So we avoid it all together. We try everything to prevent drinking episodes and fight like hell to understand the disease, its causes, and its effects.
(One of the biggest mistakes we make; is thinking we can control the fate of the disease.)
It is hard to maintain an upbeat spirit and our identity when dealing with an alcoholic on a daily basis. Often times we lose sight of ourselves and eventually, as we find ourselves again we find the courage to walk away.
The hardest part of dealing with a spouse who suffers from alcoholism is accepting the reality that we can’t change them. It does not matter what we do, they are who they are. They will lie to us, and they will deceive. Trust will be hard to restore.
The battle of dealing with an alcoholic you love can be just as bad as having the disease itself.
Some alcoholics hide it well. They come off as hardworking, well liked, and social. Others can come across as laid back and quiet. These are usually the ones who can’t maintain their alcohol and become violent. It can be quite dangerous. They can’t hear our crying and pleading for them to get help, instead they dive deeper into the drinking and begin to resent the one suggesting they seek help. They are in their own world, and only those who accommodate their disease are welcomed.
Alcoholics are on a road to self-destruction. Until they reach a dead-end they will not realize that they need help. They will continue to surround themselves with people who make them feel justified in their behavior. Someone who says “Oh you had a bad day? Want to have a drink?” will soon be their best friend. They feel this person understands. What this person has done is opened another door and allowed the alcoholic to do even more damage. They have just become the rescuer.
Alcoholism is a painful disease to watch. We never know what will come next. A new injury, more vomit, a new place he/she passed out, another fight, a D.U.I., a social mishap, or a new hole in a wall or door.
When living with an alcoholic you are truly the only one who knows the extent of the disease and can often vouch for the fact that you never know what their mood will be. Sometimes even the slightest things can set them off. It is Jeckel and Hyde. They are critical of others because they feel bad about themselves. They are out of control. They have lost sight of who they are. As a result they can become controlling, and abusive.
When we love an alcoholic it can be debilitating. They can not see the pain they cause. Sometimes we just have to let go because it becomes too depressing to watch and live with. At that point all we can do is pray for the best results.
Until people want to change, there will be no change. And if their disease is causing you to lose who you are and what you believe in, it is time to let go. It is not worth losing you too!
There are many resources available to both men and women who are trying to leave an abusive partner or relationship. Many are unaware of these resources. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Life is too short to live in negativity. There is a way to free yourself.
Every state in the United states has abuse shelters in counties throughout the state. If you are in fear of your life and hiding from an abuser there are even underground shelters. These are shelters that aren’t talked about openly. But by choosing an underground shelter your safety is pretty much guaranteed. Nobody will find you at an underground shelter.
Some shelters look like homes, and are disguised by their appearance alone. These are safe havens for victims of abuse, and these shelters will help you get on your feet. Many people hear the word shelter and they picture multiple bunks or cots as we have seen in the movies and on television. This is hardly the case. These shelters are often nice places. Although some may be lacking in amenities, not all of them do.
Each shelter has different rules, and accommodations. Do some homework to find out which shelter will meet your families needs the best. Most have a community living area and each person has their own private room and bathroom. In most shelters these rooms are locked and only the one rooming in there has a key. A shelter that offers privacy such as this, is ideal.
Once you are in the shelter your basic needs are met. The staff will provide you with numerous resources such as child care, employment, food, toiletries, etc. They will also provide you with clothing, vouchers for things in the community such as Y.M.C.A, movies, etc. These resources vary from shelter to shelter. The length of stay also varies from shelter to shelter, however I have seen many shelters that will allow the victim(s) to stay for up to 3 months.
Shelters will keep you and your children safe, and are a definite way to stop/end abuse. They are secure, and will provide you will attorneys if necessary. Most of the workers are volunteers and understanding. They too were once a victim.
By retreating to a domestic violence shelter, you take the first step in reclaiming your life.
There is hope! Life begins when the abuse ends.