answers

Life With Alcoholics- Lesson #3843

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I’ve spent twenty years of my life trying to understand alcoholism. I have gone to Alanon for families who deal with alcoholics. I’ve tried a more spiritual route such as prayer and church. I have read articles, books, and case studies.

I retired in my role as the provoker years ago. And I have exhausted myself as the martyr in recent years. Oh yes the martyrs. They are the ones who hope there is a day of awakening for the alcoholics in their life. Those that they either love or have loved.

The martyr has moments of hoping there will be a day the alcoholic feels bad for the deeds they have done. They just want to see apologies and recovery. Most of all, they want healing.

I have gone head to head with the ones who maintain the roles of being “the rescuer”. Years ago I was considered the rescuer too, so perhaps that is why their rescuing affects me like it does. I’d clean up the messes, apologize for many horrific social scenes of drunken stupor and I’d make excuses for the drunkenness all the time.

Over the course of time I got sick of being the provoker. I was tired of demanding respect, maturity, love and so forth. I got tired of telling stories of the things I would wake up to. I was tired of feeling embarrassed, mistreated, and unloved. So, I went on strike after that.

To me, the rescuers seem just as bad as the alcoholics themselves. They appear to have every excuse under the sun for the behavior of the alcoholic. Nothing is the alcoholics fault. And I mean nothing. Everything is blamed on people in the past or present days of the alcoholics life.

The rescuers claim they love their alcoholic but tough love has gone astray. They can’t find it no matter how hard they look. And they just can’t stand up to the alcoholic in effort to get them the treatment that they need.

Sometimes the alcoholic wants help but they do not have one person whom they respect to look them in the eyes and say: “Man you have a problem and you need serious help. Are you ready to get better yet? Because I can’t keep watching this. It is hurting everyone around you but mostly you!”

Questions of the day for the rescuers:

If your loved one had any other disease like Multiple Sclerosis, Cancer, Heart Disease, Kidney Disease, Liver Disease etc. and everyone around them could tell just by looking at them…..wouldn’t you try to help them?

Or would you make a bunch of excuses and blame others for the loved one not being in their best health? Would you claim other people gave them their disease? Would you say they had no disease regardless of their diagnosis?

Or would you continue to say: “Screw those people, they are all crazy. You’re just fine dear. Now I would help you but I just love you too much. And if I help you then that means I’d have to admit that I was wrong about you to all those people! So we will just keep this between us and go on about our business. Okay?”

Mom, How Do You Know If You Are In Love?

love-sick1

My daughter asked the age old question….

“Hey mom, how do you know if you are in love?”

My answer was quite simple. At least it was to me. And although it took me many years of my life to figure it out for myself, I felt like I could give her a legitimate answer.

But first, I had to start with what my definition of love is.

Love Is:

When you give of yourself and think nothing of it. You want nothing but to see the other person happy and for them to benefit. It is sacrificial, and you expect nothing in return.

Sometimes love can mean being with the person forever and getting married, and sometimes you love them enough to say goodbye. But when it is true love, you can feel it. You just click.

You respect each other and get along, and you don’t try and change the other person. You work together. It is a partnership with two people who are the best of friends.

You laugh regularly. You cheer one another on. And you feel like there is nothing that life can throw at you, that the two of you can not handle together. 

Now, being in love… that can be tricky!

But as for me…..

How do I know that I am in love?

For starters, I still count the hours until he gets home from work and we get our family time, and time as a couple. I still get butterflies when he touches my hand. And no matter how bad of a day I have had, one hug makes it all go away.

I look forward to every conversation we have, from religion to politics and everything in between. I love getting to know him more every day. I love the simple ways he shows me on a daily basis that he loves me.

I am simple. So is he. And together, it is just something magical.

And when you are in love…. it is magical. Nothing anyone says will make you feel any different. And every day, you love them more than the day before.

how love test

The Truth About Confronting Liars

We have all faced them and at one point been one. But how do we know if we are dealing with a liar the next time around? Perhaps the next one is a little bit more skilled than the last. This next one may just be on the border, of being a perfect liar.

Body Language is everything and there is an art to learning how to read the person. If you find them in simple lies that you know for certain are lies, ask questions and watch how they react. Then ask normal questions to get a feel for how they react. This technique coupled with natural instincts, will get the answers your heart needs every time.

Things to watch for in their body language:

Pay particular attention to the jaw line. Watch for twitching or erratic movement. It is usually closer to the ear.

Next watch the legs and hands.  Are their legs moving back and forth or are their knuckles being cracked? Being fidgety is a huge warning sign.

Are they carressing their  frontal lobe and/or the bridge of their nose?

What is their tone? How does this compare to normal conversation?

Paying attention to the way they react when you present them with information you know, will give you most of the answers you need. In time, you will appear to be borderline psychic. All you have to do is know who you are dealing with.

Reversals are common when dealing with liars. This is when they either change subjects entirely, or they find something to blame you for.  

You may be talking about something they actually did, and they will jump to something they think you might do to them. This is because of the guilt on their conscience that they do this. They hate being caught.

Walking Away is common with liars. They can’t face the truth. They have to take that time of panic, to gather up their story.

“What do you know?”, is a question commonly asked by liars. Or they will say “tell me what you think you know”. In their minds, they need facts first. It gives them time to scheme up their newest version of the story. And by telling them what you know and how you know, you aid them at fooling you more the next time. They are sneaky.

The easiest way to see how genuine they are when they “come clean” according to them, is to bring the subject up multiple times in various settings and comfort zones. When this is done, the stories will have holes which in turn leads you to more answers.

After having loved a liar in any kind of a relationship, you will find that you are a much better listener. You may also find that you take better notes and pay close attention to details.

Denial is the reason people lie. They feel that by denying who they have been or are, they can get closer to what they really want. The unfortunate part is that they can not see denying takes them further away from their destination. What that fail to realize is that: “It is impossible to fix something that we can’t admit is broken. So as long as the issues are denied, things will remain broken.”

A person who is dealing with a liar may find themselves praying, a lot. I highly recommend the prayer. God gets angry when people wrong us. And he will reveal the answers we need if we ask.

The question is, how bad do you want to know? Is it really worth it? The best thing to do would be to pick up the pieces, and move on. God will restore double what is lost.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerers with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Devil In A Sunday Dress

“What appears to be, isn’t always what is meant to be.”

Have you ever had something happen in your life that appeared to be an answer to prayer? Did it seem as though it were laid directly in your lap and meant specifically for you? Did it turn out to be not as beautiful as it were when you first received it? Did that gift, end up being your worst nightmare?

There are many times in my life where I felt a prayer was being answered or I was being led in a particular way. As soon as I saw what it was I wanted, I reached out and grabbed it. I felt God had sent it, therefore it was meant to be!

In time I have learned that those moments in life where something appeared to be divine intervention, most often turned out to be the devils manipulation. Now I  refer to those moments or times periods as times where  “the devil is/was wearing  his Sunday dress”.  

When the devil wears his Sunday dress; that dress looks good, it is wrinkle free,  and it’s very  flowing. It hides the  flaws, it smells good, and it feels good on the skin. However, it does not mean that we will be getting exactly what we see. The way it looks while he is wearing it will not be the way it is once we slip into it, and try it on for ourselves.  

The devil slips on his Sunday dress when we are praying for answers in our life. Whether it be relationships, social issues, career choices, or parenting; he will likely appear in at least one or all of them.

It may be a job that answers our financial worries but it will also wash away all happiness in the end. Or maybe it is  a relationship that appeared flawless in the beginning and suddenly it becomes lopsided and washes away who we are. It could even be a lover who was only supposed to be a friend, or a friend who was meant to be a lover. Everyone could fill in the blanks here, as we all encounter times in life where something isn’t what it initially appeared to be.

We must learn to recognize Gods answers over the devils deceptions. The best way to do this, is to talk to Him regularly. If we pray for discernment and take steps only when confident, we will walk wisely. It is the best way to have peace with our decisions  and make ourselves available to receive the blessings He has waiting for us.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

“It may appear to be the exactly what we have asked for; but it doesn’t mean that we are where we are supposed to be,  or that what we see is what we are supposed to have at this particular moment. ”                        

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. 

When We Don’t Know

© February 2010 Angela Bininger

W h e n      w  e     d o nt
know       which     road
to     travel,    He  gives
u s      a      sign.    When
w e    dont   know   how
to  get down  the   road
He    leads     t h e   way.
When   we   encounter  bumps   in    the  road,  He gets  us
over     them.   When  we    dont    know  how   far   we  can
make   it,   He   proves   to   us   we  can.    When   we  didnt
think   we  would   survive   the   trip,   He   shows  us   how
strong  we are.  When  we   dont  know all  of  the  answers
He     reveals    them.     When     we    feel     we     have   just
l  o s  t         i  t          a l l
H  e       g  i  v  e s      u s
S   o  m  e   t   h    i   n  g
T  h a t       i s     m u c h
b      e     t      t      e     r  .
W  h e n     we      d o n t
le a r n      our      lesson
th e      f i r s t       t i m e,
He      m a k e s      s u r e
that   we  r e p e a t    i t.
W h e n       w e      d o n t
listen    t o    H i m,    He
lo v e s     u s       anway!
When      we      are       on
the   cusp    of    fulfilling
our    dreams,   He    had
it   planned    all    along.
When   we   don’t    know
how,  why,  when,  or   if
…….……………..…………..
He does  & always will!

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerers with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.