living

Divorce: The Only Time We Die, Yet Live To Talk About It

Divorce is one of the only times in life a human will die, go through the stages of grief, and live to talk about it. The process is accompanied by a level of pain comparable to a death, or what one might experience with a serious illness.

There are several stages to the grieving process that can last for any amount of time. It all depends on how big the loss was. But to most, a broken marriage is a huge loss. Even more so if children are involved.

Shock & Denial is where the grieving process begins when a relationship ends. The shock is much worse if your spouse has already moved on with someone else. You may find yourself saying “This is not happening” “We were suppose to ____!” “I didn’t see this coming!” “None of this is my fault!” “Well maybe if I would have___.” You may even find yourself not taking him or her seriously about the divorce. You may be avoiding the issue in hopes that they change their mind.

Anger & Hatred  are by far the worst phases; aside from depression. We begin to get mad at ourselves, and the other person. Often times, we are mad at the world. Everyone is out to get us!

The anger phases comes and goes throughout the process. I have found that people often bounce back and forth between stages one, two, and three. At times we might think we have entered the next phase of grief, then a previous stage surfaces unexpectedly. Sometimes it can surface just by looking at the other person.

Anger can last for many years. Perhaps forever once it takes root. It truly varies from person to person. 

Bargaining is something we do to try and hold on to the relationship and it often occurs at the same time as phase one, denial. It goes hand in hand with denial. “I will do ___ if you take me back”, “I will buy you ___” “We can go on a trip” “Look, I finally got you that ____ that you wanted”. We sometimes even begin to bargain with God. “Lord if you fix this I will never ______ again!” “God if you ____ I will ____.

Depression can be a scary stage of grief. It is important to keep activities scheduled to keep from slipping into a deep depression. Surround yourself with loved ones and positive people. With depression one loses interest in normal activities, they oversleep or don’t get enough sleep, and the eating habits are comparable to the sleeping. They are either eating a lot, or very little at all. They may have suicidal thoughts, and struggle just to get out of bed. They are remembering only good things about the relationship. And they have very little interest in their life. They feel hopeless.

Acceptance  is when we begin to pick up the pieces. We can take the positive things we learned by having the relationship, and simply chalk up the loss. We see that there is hope. Yes, there is some light at the end of that dark tunnel. 

Once one reaches the stage of acceptance, they have regained more control of their new life. It gives them more control of their destiny. They realize that they can do it! It is when they begin to dream again, discover themselves, and begin to truly live.

I once read somewhere that it takes approximately 3-6 months for every year you were married to complete all 5 phases of grieving. From what I have seen, that number is fairly accurate. There is life after divorce. It just doesn’t truly begin until we have grieved the loss, learned our lesson that was intended for us to learn in that relationship, and move on. In doing that we have discovered who we are again, and may even get down the road and be thankful for that loss.

Healing, takes time. And time, heals. Most of the time it heals anyway.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.  

Controlling people are the liars of the world, and the liars of the world are controlling

I found an interesting link this week between controlling behavior, and liars. I have observed this by thinking of people I have encountered in my life that fit either title.

The people I have come across that appear to have control issues, are liars. The only thing they can’t control other than themselves, are the lies that they tell.

The people who I think of that have issues lying, exhibit some form of controlling behavior in their daily life.

When I refer to controlling people, I am referring to those who :

Force their thoughts or feelings on you: Someone has wronged them, and they interfere with your relationship with that person, as if you were wronged by that person too.

Tell you how you feel, or should feel : You don’t Care, You have no emotions, You don’t like me, You don’t even want to go, You haven’t ever ___, You have to ____, You can’t ___, You are just going to ___, etc.

There’s OCD somewhere: In some area of their life, or in majority of areas there will be some version of obsessive compulsive disorder. Wether it is paranoia of germs, having to have everything immaculate, unable to wear un-ironed clothes, always at the doctor, somethings always  wrong, hoarding, etc.

When I look back at situations in my life where I have told a lie, telling the lie was about control. Better yet, it was about being in control. At that same junction;I showed signs of control in other areas. Whether it was being obsessive compulsive about dishes in my sink, or actually trying to force my viewpoints or opinions on someone else. Either way, at the same time that I was lying, there were signs of control. By lying, instead of being in control I had given it to someone else.

When I think of “Sally”, I think about how she went her entire life controlling people. Those she couldn’t control, she shoved away. Or they would be smart enough to walk away before she could. Her entire adult life has been a lie, and in her entire adult life she would fit all of the characteristics of a controlling person.

Or let’s take “George” as another example. George is a compulsive liar. He lies about things that are unimportant to most people. He lies himself to a point  where he believes it. He can’t seem to let a day of his life go by without lying. George, is a neat freak. George forces his emotions on others in attempt to leave them feeling guilty. And George, he gets what he wants. If he doesn’t…. things get ugly.

These are just a few examples, but there is a definite link. I can think of many more people who I have encountered in my 30+ years that fit this description.

“Controlling people are the liars of the world and the liars of the world are controlling. Now…. if only they could control themselves.

Can you think of people you have encountered in life where this description matches up? It’s not to say they are all compulsive liars. However, in a life situation where they have told a lie; Did they display what would be considered controlling behavior, in another area of their life? Have you ever wondered exactly what it is controlling people want?

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

11 Steps To A Healthier You

We are all only one phone call, one conversation, one email, or one text from falling to our knees. You just never know when life will take an unexpected change. The best way to prepare for this situation that could happen at any given second is:

1.)  Spread love, its contagious! And most contagious when shown through one’s actions.

2.)  Be true to your word, it is who you are!

3.)  Have character, it defines you!

4.)  Be strong in both mind & spirit, it prevents self destruction.

5.)  Dream it, believe it, & do it! Life is too short for anything less.

6.)  Don’t burn bridges, you never know when you need to cross them.

7.)  Have faith, it keeps you alive.

8.)  Have hope, it increases faith.

9.)  Leave no kind words unspoken, people can’t read your mind!

10.) Live each day as though you were writing your obituary.

11.) Never be too proud to say I am sorry.

There is nothing worse than losing someone you love and feeling like that relationship never reached it’s potential. Live each moment as though it were your last and treat everyone around you as though it were the last time you were to see them.

If everyone adopted this 10 step process into their life, we just might change the world. However, since it is likely that not everyone will read this and adopt this plan… we can only change ourselves.

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