Relationships

The Beauty In Pain


~ We will often learn more in ten days of agony than in ten years of contentment ~

Pain is a wonderful motivator that breaks down the walls that keep old behaviors intact. It guides us towards thoughts and ideas we may otherwise suppress, and forces us to seek answers from places we have never looked before. It opens our minds to ideas that hold the key to new insight, understanding, and freedom.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerers with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Divorce Is Final, Now The Emotional Divorce

Often people file for divorce or initiate a break-up thinking that they are done with the relationship. They think the issues will be gone and that they can begin their new journey. Although publicly filing for divorce is the first major step, the emotional divorce is much harder to deal with, and it takes time.

Studies indicate that it takes approximately 3-6 months for every year in a committed relationship to heal. Although there is no such timer for healing due to the fact that each person handles it differently, this time period proves to be true in the dissolution of almost every relationship I have witnessed.

How To File For An Emotional Divorce

1. Begin to live separate lives! This is crucial! You are two separate people, heading two separate directions. You are on a journey to find yourselves again, and you will hit many road blocks while still acting as though you are a married or committed couple. Give him/her space, and begin to live separate.

2. Do Not Answer To One Another! This one is probably one of the hardest to do. After being in a committed relationship we naturally answer to the “How, Why, Where, When” questions. We do it naturally, and it times we feel it is just showing respect. Reality is, it is keeping us attached.

3. Reinvent Yourself! Find something you have always caught yourself daydreaming about, and do it. Take that trip, join that society, fight for that cause, run that marathon, publish that book, or whatever the case may be. When we begin doing something that empowers us on a daily basis we begin to feel we live a life of purpose. Reinventing ourselves is our way of keeping our past from dictating who we are or become. This is your chance to shine!

4. Pray! This is by far the fastest road to recovery. Pray for guidance, wisdom, and discernment. Pray for a life of peace. Pray to know yourself, and pray for God to allow others to be receptive to your wants, needs, and desires. It may be instantly that He answers, and it may be months. But nonetheless, He will answer. Just be ready when He does!

5. Let Go! There is nothing worse than holding on to something that is dead. Once you let go completely you can begin to embrace the new journey, and move forward. You then begin to experience an inner peace like no other just by letting go. Fear keeps us holding on, fear misleads us, and fear blinds us. When we let go of fear, we can let go of almost anything.

6. Find A Positive Outlet! Wether it be crafts, arts, music, writing, playing sports, coaching a team etc., it is important to find a positive outlet. This emotional roller-coaster ride may not end for weeks, months, or even years. Find something or some way to release that anger, frustration, and sadness in a positive way. By projecting positive, more positive will come.

7. Believe! The sooner you believe you can do it alone, the sooner you will. The sooner you believe, the sooner you will succeed. After every loss, there is a gain. When God takes one away, He often sends something or someone even better to bless our socks off.

8. Don’t Rush It! There is no need to rush into the arms of someone else. If we did that we would end up right back where we are now, eventually. Take time to learn the lessons. Dig deep and do a self-check. Break-ups are never due to one person alone. Both parties bring issues to the relationship, and it is important to take responsibility for your part in that. By accepting responsibility for where you went wrong in the relationship, you begin to take preventative measures for all future relationships.

As I stated earlier in this article, the emotional divorce is far different from the typical divorce. It is an entirely different process. Couples divorce every day in this country through our court systems. However, more often than not they remain emotionally married for years to come. Take control of your life, and get out completely. Only then will you experience the true beauty in this world. Only then will the chains that bind you, be broken.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerers with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Goodbye Says It All

No long explanation. No reconciliation. No lets talk it over, number you can call. Goodbye says it all! *Blackhawk*

The biggest mistake we make at times is saying goodbye, or so we think. We fool ourselves into believing that in the eyes of someone else, we are worth fighting for. That our relationship with them meant to them, what it did to us. The truth is, that is hardly the case in any relationship. Wether it be romantic or what one thinks is an innocent opposite sex relationship, one always seems to feel more than the other. One always seems to have higher expectations.

As we walk away threatening our goodbyes while hoping deep down that another person will change their ways or even put up a fight to keep us, we begin living in denial. We begin to loose ourselves. It is crucial to maintain your dignity, and keep walking. Despite the pain of goodbye, 99% of the time it is worth it. It will make for a much sweeter “hello” with someone who believes what we believe, and that we truly jive with.

As we kick ourselves during the mourning process of saying goodbye, we must not wallow in our own self pity. After all, we chose to walk away right? Perhaps when we walked away from someone who we think we still love, goodbye said it all to them. Are they suppose to spend their life consumed with thoughts of us? Or are they suppose to learn their lessons, heal, and move forward?

In the initial stages of break-ups , we truly believe we still love someone out of fear and fear alone. Once we move out of fear, we will then see that the break-up that occurred, occurred for a reason. It occurred to take us to a much brighter destination. It occurred so the we can be in complete control of our happiness.

Before saying goodbye, remember that to many people in this world, “Goodbye says it all.” Never say goodbye and expect someone to beg you to be in their life. It just doesn’t work that way. Pick up the pieces, and move on. Brighter days will come.

Tides

We will make mistakes

we will fall on our face

But what really matters

is that we fall with grace

When tragedy dies

and lessons are learned

happiness is found

the tides have turned.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2015 Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerers with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Knowing We Are Worth It, Being Treated Like We Are Not

We all know that we are worth something. That we have something to offer. That we have something about us that others can benefit from. For some reason, some of us choose to stay among people who don’t allow us to blossom. We allow people to treat us like we are not worth it, when we know we are. Why do we do this to ourselves? Is it our forgiving nature? Are we just insecure? What is it we are holding on to?

If you know you are worth it, then pamper yourself. Surround yourself with only those people who know you are worth it too and who value you. It is all too easy to get sucked into helping others and lose sight of our own self-worth. Don’t compromise your values, or beliefs. Don’t compromise your morals, or standards. And if you have, get away from the people who are sucking your life dry. You are worth it, and you should be treated as such. There are too many good people out there, to congregate with the bad ones.

How The Pain Of Infidelity Surpasses The Pains Of Death

Just referencing the word infidelity can bring great pain to one that has been in a relationship where it has occurred. The grieving process when a partner has cheated with one, or even multiple partners is often compared to death. To a degree that process is the same. The pain is deep, and it is real. Life as you knew it has ended.

Initially it begins with the shock and denial phase. You just can’t believe it. Even when you have seen the signs and your partner lied, this phase is a tough one. The emptiness in the stomach and the pressure you feel on your chest is unbearable. It is as though you stood under a crane and a piece of a concrete wall just fell on you. It squashes you.

Once you realized this is your new reality you begin to bargain, and reason. Then comes anger! You want every memory and trace gone. None of it was real. There is no need for memories to inflict more pain. You become consumed with thoughts and visuals of who your partner really is. What they were doing all those times you trusted them. Often times, you are ready to hurt someone and there better be not a soul that rubs you the wrong way. Anger, is dangerous.

Depression comes next, and then eventually you reach a point of acceptance. Anyone who bears the pains of an unfaithful partner will have experienced all five of these stages. They occur in any order. They can come one at a time, two at a time, and sometimes all at the same time. The betrayed partner could simply be driving down the road, then suddenly FLASHBACK! Ahhh, the pain is back! And it is all so real! It is hard to control! Mourning that loss of someone you loved. Someone you believed it. Your lover, and your friend. Now that is a painful bump in the road. A bump that can be crippling. It paralyzes the victim, they become frozen. They feel as though they were watching this movie, and out of nowhere the movie ends. IT’S OVER, THE END!

What makes the grief process with infidelity different from that of a death is the fact that as humans we expect death. Even when it’s premature death, it is reality that we will all eventually die. What we do not expect to have is that a partner is unfaithful. We do not expect them to be out with others laughing, and sexing it up. They are living a double life, all while the faithful stay faithful. They stay true to themselves. They stay true to who they are. And that is what makes it so devastating. The faithful, now bear a pain that they never deserved.

The faithful now visit doctors in hopes that they haven’t contracted a life long illness for that sake of their partners addiction to sex. The faithful now wonder if anything was ever real. The faithful ask why? Why wasn’t I worth the truth? How could you do this to me? Why did you string me along? How could you lie to me all those times I asked and you made me think I was crazy making up scenarios? How could you throw away everything we ever had for someone who meant nothing?

The absolute worst part of having suffered from the actions of an unfaithful partner, is that the victim is not only hurt by their cheating partner. The victim is not just going through the stages of grief and mourning the loss of a person, or a dream. The victim often feels sexually assaulted. The victim has no idea where there partner has been, or where those other people have been. The victim wasn’t worth their partner using protection to prevent infecting innocent people. The victim, has now slept with people that he/she has never met or known. The feelings of this, are devastating. The victim feels dirty.

So to the victims that read this, I am sorry. You aren’t dirty. It is not your fault. Your partner is sick. They need help. You can’t help them and that is not your fault. Their connection to you was deep. They avoided their feelings by using other people in place of what they really loved. They didn’t know who they were. They were weak and insecure. And they will get what they deserve.

To the whores, and cheaters – Thanks for continuing to populate the world with your infectious bodies. Now go get a hobby. Gain some respect for yourself. Show some character. And grow the hell up. It is not all about you and fulfilling your selfish desires at the expense of other people.

Your friends that support your lifestyle you lived while cheating on your partner(s), are worthless. A true friend would have told you it wasn’t right. A true friend would want you to do well in life. A true friend would want you to become the best person you can be. So as the partner you once had leaves, remember that your pathetic people who supported your ignorance, are the same classless bastards you deserve. And keep an eye out, this will all come back around. Karma, is karma. And you will get yours!

Spoiling what we have, Desiring what we have not

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have, was once among the things you only hoped for. ~anonymous~

I read this quote and it hit home in so many ways. We are all so guilty of this and we do it in almost every aspect of our lives. Working moms want to be stay at home moms, and stay at home moms want to be working. People who are single want marriage and most marriages are seeking divorce.

We think we want that new position until we get it, then wish we had the old one. We think once we obtain material things we will feel better, until we get them. And then we realize we only felt better until the novelty wore off. We think we would rather live under a bridge off love than a nice home and relationship going through some hurdles, until we are homeless. And the relationship is gone. And bridges are burnt.

We think plastic surgery will fix it, until we get it done and realize we are still miserable inside. We think that having that newer car makes us better socially, but with our words we suffer from social retardation. We thinking bragging about what we have will make people like us, only to find out they can’t stand us.

We think so many things, and the results are often opposite of what we think they will be.

So lets not spoil what we have, or live in regret. Our life and where we are is what we wanted at some point. And if we think we want something else and that having that something else will make life happier…. we better think again.

True happiness, comes from within.

Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Where To Go

There are many resources available to both men and women who are trying to leave an abusive partner or relationship. Many are unaware of these resources. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Life is too short to live in negativity. There is a way to free yourself.

Every state in the United states has abuse shelters in counties throughout the state. If you are in fear of your life and hiding from an abuser there are even underground shelters. These are shelters that aren’t talked about openly. But by choosing an underground shelter your safety is pretty much guaranteed. Nobody will find you at an underground shelter.

Some shelters look like homes, and are disguised by their appearance alone. These are safe havens for victims of abuse, and these shelters will help you get on your feet. Many people hear the word shelter and they picture multiple bunks or cots as we have seen in the movies and on television. This is hardly the case. These shelters are often nice places. Although some may be lacking in amenities, not all of them do.

Each shelter has different rules, and accommodations. Do some homework to find out which shelter will meet your families needs the best. Most have a community living area and each person has their own private room and bathroom. In most shelters these rooms are locked and only the one rooming in there has a key. A shelter that offers privacy such as this, is ideal.

Once you are in the shelter your basic needs are met. The staff will provide you with numerous resources such as child care, employment, food, toiletries, etc. They will also provide you with clothing, vouchers for things in the community such as Y.M.C.A, movies, etc. These resources vary from shelter to shelter. The length of stay also varies from shelter to shelter, however I have seen many shelters that will allow the victim(s) to stay for up to 3 months.

Shelters will keep you and  your children safe, and are a definite way to stop/end abuse. They are secure, and will provide you will attorneys if necessary. Most of the workers are volunteers and understanding. They too were once a victim.

By retreating to a domestic violence shelter, you take the first step in reclaiming your life.

There is hope!  Life begins when the abuse ends.

What Real Friends Are

As I sat here ecstatic this evening to have been chosen for Examiner.com  I was exchanging texts with my best friend. I couldn’t wait to tell her! In the texts I thanked her for believing in me, as my dreams now become a reality. She has been a true friend to me, and I admire her. Many years have passed since we first met at Broadman Baptist Church 18 years ago, and she has always been true to me. She has been honest, and loyal. She has offered advice that I hoped to hear and advice that has hurt, and I am glad she loved me enough to offer it. I cherish her.

Upon thanking her she replies “Girl that’s what real friends do! Love you enough through the rough times so they can celebrate with you in the good times!” And she is right. That is what real friends do. They are beside you cheering you on. They tell you the truth no matter how bad it hurts. They believe in you when you find you can’t. They pick you up when you are down. They can tell by the tone of your voice that something is wrong. They love you as you are. They accept you. They are beautiful!

I thank God for her. I don’t know what I would do without her. She has been my rock through this journey. And as year three of single parenting for me soon turns into year four, we can finally celebrate. I am on the right path. I have been blessed with a wonderful friendship. Thanks for cheering me on. I love you!

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerers with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Divorce: The Only Time We Die, Yet Live To Talk About It

Divorce is one of the only times in life a human will die, go through the stages of grief, and live to talk about it. The process is accompanied by a level of pain comparable to a death, or what one might experience with a serious illness.

There are several stages to the grieving process that can last for any amount of time. It all depends on how big the loss was. But to most, a broken marriage is a huge loss. Even more so if children are involved.

Shock & Denial is where the grieving process begins when a relationship ends. The shock is much worse if your spouse has already moved on with someone else. You may find yourself saying “This is not happening” “We were suppose to ____!” “I didn’t see this coming!” “None of this is my fault!” “Well maybe if I would have___.” You may even find yourself not taking him or her seriously about the divorce. You may be avoiding the issue in hopes that they change their mind.

Anger & Hatred  are by far the worst phases; aside from depression. We begin to get mad at ourselves, and the other person. Often times, we are mad at the world. Everyone is out to get us!

The anger phases comes and goes throughout the process. I have found that people often bounce back and forth between stages one, two, and three. At times we might think we have entered the next phase of grief, then a previous stage surfaces unexpectedly. Sometimes it can surface just by looking at the other person.

Anger can last for many years. Perhaps forever once it takes root. It truly varies from person to person. 

Bargaining is something we do to try and hold on to the relationship and it often occurs at the same time as phase one, denial. It goes hand in hand with denial. “I will do ___ if you take me back”, “I will buy you ___” “We can go on a trip” “Look, I finally got you that ____ that you wanted”. We sometimes even begin to bargain with God. “Lord if you fix this I will never ______ again!” “God if you ____ I will ____.

Depression can be a scary stage of grief. It is important to keep activities scheduled to keep from slipping into a deep depression. Surround yourself with loved ones and positive people. With depression one loses interest in normal activities, they oversleep or don’t get enough sleep, and the eating habits are comparable to the sleeping. They are either eating a lot, or very little at all. They may have suicidal thoughts, and struggle just to get out of bed. They are remembering only good things about the relationship. And they have very little interest in their life. They feel hopeless.

Acceptance  is when we begin to pick up the pieces. We can take the positive things we learned by having the relationship, and simply chalk up the loss. We see that there is hope. Yes, there is some light at the end of that dark tunnel. 

Once one reaches the stage of acceptance, they have regained more control of their new life. It gives them more control of their destiny. They realize that they can do it! It is when they begin to dream again, discover themselves, and begin to truly live.

I once read somewhere that it takes approximately 3-6 months for every year you were married to complete all 5 phases of grieving. From what I have seen, that number is fairly accurate. There is life after divorce. It just doesn’t truly begin until we have grieved the loss, learned our lesson that was intended for us to learn in that relationship, and move on. In doing that we have discovered who we are again, and may even get down the road and be thankful for that loss.

Healing, takes time. And time, heals. Most of the time it heals anyway.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.