Relationships

Who Do You Love?

Love is the willing sacrificial giving of oneself for the benefit of others, without the thought of return. With that being said, how many of us truly love? We say things like “Well I did this for them, they can at least ____.” We keep score in our head of who has done what in the relationship such as who visits who, who calls who, etc. We don’t always admit that we do this, but we do.

So, I guess the question here is “Who Do You Love?” How many people have you loved to this degree? When is the last time you loved someone and expected nothing in return? Have you done a favor for someone you love, and when the time came for you to have a favor done for you nobody came through? Were you irritated? Did you expect them to do for you what you once did for them?

If everyone memorized and lived by this definition, we would all be a lot easier to love. Love isn’t easy, but certainly was never intended to be a battlefield. It was intended to be the “willing and sacrificial giving of oneself for the benefit of others, without the thought of return.” Yes, that is love. True love.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Controlling people are the liars of the world, and the liars of the world are controlling

I found an interesting link this week between controlling behavior, and liars. I have observed this by thinking of people I have encountered in my life that fit either title.

The people I have come across that appear to have control issues, are liars. The only thing they can’t control other than themselves, are the lies that they tell.

The people who I think of that have issues lying, exhibit some form of controlling behavior in their daily life.

When I refer to controlling people, I am referring to those who :

Force their thoughts or feelings on you: Someone has wronged them, and they interfere with your relationship with that person, as if you were wronged by that person too.

Tell you how you feel, or should feel : You don’t Care, You have no emotions, You don’t like me, You don’t even want to go, You haven’t ever ___, You have to ____, You can’t ___, You are just going to ___, etc.

There’s OCD somewhere: In some area of their life, or in majority of areas there will be some version of obsessive compulsive disorder. Wether it is paranoia of germs, having to have everything immaculate, unable to wear un-ironed clothes, always at the doctor, somethings always  wrong, hoarding, etc.

When I look back at situations in my life where I have told a lie, telling the lie was about control. Better yet, it was about being in control. At that same junction;I showed signs of control in other areas. Whether it was being obsessive compulsive about dishes in my sink, or actually trying to force my viewpoints or opinions on someone else. Either way, at the same time that I was lying, there were signs of control. By lying, instead of being in control I had given it to someone else.

When I think of “Sally”, I think about how she went her entire life controlling people. Those she couldn’t control, she shoved away. Or they would be smart enough to walk away before she could. Her entire adult life has been a lie, and in her entire adult life she would fit all of the characteristics of a controlling person.

Or let’s take “George” as another example. George is a compulsive liar. He lies about things that are unimportant to most people. He lies himself to a point  where he believes it. He can’t seem to let a day of his life go by without lying. George, is a neat freak. George forces his emotions on others in attempt to leave them feeling guilty. And George, he gets what he wants. If he doesn’t…. things get ugly.

These are just a few examples, but there is a definite link. I can think of many more people who I have encountered in my 30+ years that fit this description.

“Controlling people are the liars of the world and the liars of the world are controlling. Now…. if only they could control themselves.

Can you think of people you have encountered in life where this description matches up? It’s not to say they are all compulsive liars. However, in a life situation where they have told a lie; Did they display what would be considered controlling behavior, in another area of their life? Have you ever wondered exactly what it is controlling people want?

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Just Leave Tiger Woods Alone Already

This entire story breaks my heart. As if the family isn’t enduring enough pain already. This scandal has proved one thing. Tiger Woods is human. He makes mistakes just like the rest of us. So many are bashing him, when they too could have made the same mistakes. Any one of us could have. At the end of the day, we are all animals. We are all capable of this. It occurs in 70% of relationships.

Anyone in his position would have been vulnerable. Why is everyone bashing him verses the home-wreckers that seduced him? How could they not know that he was married? He is in fact, Tiger Woods. Granted, he shouldn’t have done those things. He should have had more character. But what about the ladies? What about the fact that they had no class or morals? It does indeed take two!

Obviously there are deeper issues beyond cheating. Cheating is typically a symptom of a troubled marriage. There are issues in the relationship long before it happens. And typically those issues are because of both people in the relationship. It takes two to make a relationship, and two to break it.

Perhaps everyone should picture themselves getting millions to do what they love, while always away from their family. While one is home taking care of the kids, the other is bringing home the bacon. Any relationship like that, will encounter problems and there will likely be adultery. It doesn’t matter who it is. And when relationships have issues, and peoples needs aren’t being met these kind of things happen. So lets let the family have a little privacy. Please?

The Season Changes Of Life

I don’t know if it is just me, or if others have observed this in their own life as well. It seems as though every time a person is taken from my life, wether it be by death, natural life season change, or by irreconcilable differences; there always seems to be someone sent to make up for that loss. Always someone to “take that place.” Not that a person can be “replaced”, because they can’t. However, God always seems to send me something better. A better relationship, a better group of people, nonetheless he gives me more!

It tells us that we are exactly where we need to be when this happens. It tells us that we are on track with whatever it is we are trying to accomplish in our life. As the seasons change in our life, so will our company. I think it keeps us from being stagnant.  I think it pushes us to lead productive and fulfilling lives. Have you experienced this in your life? When you part ways with someone, does someone better enter your life shortly after?

Projecting The Truth, Why Is It Feared?

I had a phone conversation this morning, and was asked to keep silent. To not project the truth. To not speak of events in my life that have occurred. When the reality is, it is my life. I lived it. I have every right to talk about it, sing about it, dance about it, or even write about it. That’s what people do, and for me, it’s survival. It is my outlet. I was taught as a child to express emotions creatively while in counseling, and that was probably one of the best things from childhood, that is still with me today. A creative outlet. For me, healing comes from talking it out, painting it out, singing it out, playing it out(piano), or writing it out. That is who I am.

What I can’t understand, is why people fear the truth so much. Why do people feel better sweeping things under rugs, verses facing them head on? I learned long ago, not to have secrets. And unfortunately despite having learned that lesson in my late teenage years, I still battled with it at the tail end of my marriage, but kept nothing completely inside. At times, I would be accused of having secrets, but they weren’t secrets, I told people about them. It was only a secret because I didn’t tell the one that deserved to be told.

In my life, there have been strained relationships because my honesty, and my blunt nature. It is more than some can handle. Some prefer to deny the truth. They refuse to accept that things are different than they appear. They would rather lie and manipulate people. They portray that their life is filled with sunshine, butterflies, flowers, and all the happy things instead of facing the truth, and accepting life for what it is. Yet they wonder, why their life is so miserable.

Those that fear the truth, and choose to live a life filled with secrets, despise me for this personality trait of mine. Meanwhile, I embrace it. It is what gives me peace. It gives me strength. Truth, consumes me. And I will dig, until it is revealed. A few will hate me for it, but many will respect it. Believe it or not, it is an honorable trait to have.

Perhaps this is what my purpose in life is. For I was once, a secret. The bastard child. The mistake. The outcast. The one on the outside, looking in. And just maybe, the fact that I entered this life a secret, is the exact reason I will leave it, with not a one. Perhaps, this is God’s plan for my life.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Co-dependent Personalities & Raising Co-Dependent Children

Co-dependent personalities usually refer to life as black, or white. There is no in between. It is harder for them to see others view points, and they tend to create their own reality. A co-dependent person may often value other’s opinions over their own, compromising their own values and integrity to avoid rejection. They sometimes dress sloppy, or in baggy clothes, and even in tighter skimpy clothes, displaying their issues with self-image.

The problem with co-dependent relationship within a family, is that we adapt our feelings and boundaries as theirs. We do not like to see them making bad choices, in pain etc., so we try to control it. It can become something that eventually controls where they work, live, who they marry, meaning all major decisions are dominated, by us.

People with co-dependent personalities:

•Need to be needed

• Are  people pleasers

• Are controlling

• Afraid To Be Alone

• Mistrust others

• Are Perfectionists

• Avoid their feelings

• Excessive caretakers

• Hypervigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat or danger)

• Often they attract needy dependent people

• Downplay their own feelings, to the point that they may not even know how they feel

• Have trouble making decisions

• Do not feel they’re lovable

• Put their own interests and hobbies aside to please others

• Are excessively loyal (even staying in abusive relationships)

• Do not ask others to meet their needs

Do You Have A Co-Dependent Relationship With Your Child?

As parents, we need to say “no” to doing tasks that foster immaturity and dependence in adult children; such as, doing their laundry, cleaning up after them, helping them with their bills, providing them with shelter (as adults), etc. It is important to learn to be separate individuals and teach them to take care of their own needs.

We need to teach our children how to tackle problems in relationships or in life, not take care of the problems for them. They need to grow up and be able to have healthy, mature, adult love relationships.  If we do things for our grown children beyond what is age appropriate, we lower their self-esteem and actually stop them from growing up.

When you are co-dependent you are enmeshed with family members’ emotional boundaries and you treat them as extensions of yourself. Therefore, you do not want to see them in pain, uncomfortable, making unwise choices, or unhappy. You try to be the one in control. You aim to fix them or their situations to be what you think is right, and good for them. You fail to see the long-term damage you are causing, you think you are only helping them.

Extreme co-dependency involves subtle control over your adult children’s choices of colleges, career, place of residency, religion, and choice of marriage partners. Over all, you dominate their decision-making abilities. Secretly you feel safe, secure, and loved when others need you and depend on you. It makes you feel important and gives your life meaning because you do not have your own life fully understood and integrated.

Co-dependency use to only be talked about in families where there was alcoholism, or drug addictions. Now, they are linking it to dysfunctional families in general. And lets face it, all families are dysfunctional. Some are just better at admitting it than others.

Co-dependent Personality Disorder is a dysfunctional relationship with the self characterized by living through or for another, attempts to control others, blaming others, a sense of victimization, attempts to “fix” others, and intense anxiety around intimacy. It is very common in people raised in dysfunctional families, and in the partners and children of alcoholics and addicts.  Most chemical dependency treatment centers now also offer treatment for Co-dependency. (definition extracted from http://www.mdjunction.com)                                                                                                                                                                                  

 

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.                                                                    

Walking In Other People’s Shadows

I remember having my children outside in their younger years as they began to walk. All three of them, at a young ages, were afraid of shadows. It didn’t matter if it was yours, mine, or theirs, they were afraid. As the sun beat down allowing their shadows to appear, they ran. And they cried! They tried so hard to get away from any  shadows, yet the shadows still remained. Shadows would inevitably follow them wherever they went. As long as there was light, there would be a shadow.

Recently, a close friend of mine, stated that she felt as though she were walking in my shadow. She is only steps away from beginning the difficult journey of single parenting.  She watches me, she listens to my cares and worries, and she asks my advice. I tell her the truth, the cold hard truth, it’s not a decision to make without knowing the reality of being a single parent.

When pondering her comment “I feel like I’m walking in your shadow” I realized, shadows aren’t a bad thing. It’s the sun’s way of letting us know what is really there. It is reflection of us, who we are, where we are going, and what we are doing. They can serve as a guide for the weary of heart, and motivation for others to create their own shadow, instead of walking in someone elses. If there were never a shadow for us to walk in at some point in our life, our fear would consistently bind us.

A shadow, is just another way to see the sun.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Want To Know The Secret To Life?

Many are unaware of the secret to life; the law of attraction. Our thoughts attract what goes on in our life. If you think negative, you attract negative. If you think positive, you attract positive. Do you think it is coincidence that the same people repeatedly attract good things? It is not, it is simply their thought process.

If you can visualize it, you can achieve it. If you want anything bad enough, it is yours. No matter what, your thoughts create your universe. Positive thoughts will bring positive results, every single time! Observe others, and take mental notes. Are good things happening because they have a good attitude? Are bad things happening because they consistently speak of bad things? It’s interesting what we see, when we look!

I highly recommend this video. It’s 20 minutes of the actual documentary. This 20 minutes, could change the course of your life! “Whatever goes on in your mind, you are attracting to you.” Bob Proctor

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10 Places For Men To Meet A Normal Woman


I guess when deciding where to meet a “normal” woman it might help to know that “normal, is slightly overrated. However, if you mean normal as in she has morals, character, is secure with herself, and independent, then you might luck out in one of the 10 places listed below.

1. At the gym! Most women that visit a gym regularly have a sense of self-worth and value their appearance.

2. At church! Most people who attend regular church service often have a higher moral. Far different from the average bar fly!

3. Awareness Rallies! For example; Autism Awareness, Breast Cancer, Swim for Diabetes etc. These are great places to meet people with a lot of drive, that are passionate, and devoted!

4. P.T.O. meetings! School activities for your children are a great way to network and meet people. If a parent is attending a P.T.O. meeting they are not only dedicated to their children, but to the community.

5. At  a craft store! Most women that visit craft stores, are creative! They love projects! They probably enjoy space when in a relationship.

6. Join a coed volleyball team! This is a wonderful way to meet a good woman! Women who play sports are typically more adjusted than those that don’t. Active is a good thing!

7. The library! Knowledge is sexy, and a woman who frequents the library is likely a woman who knows where she is going in life.

8. A local nursery! Women typically plant their own flowers, and well, they have to buy them somewhere!

9. Campgrounds! Women that aren’t afraid to get their hands dirty are usually the type that get involved in a relationship, for the long haul.

10. Family reunion! Okay, okay, I had to crack a funny somewhere! Please, no family reunions! Not yours anyway! So the tenth place to meet a woman would be at a local water park, science center, aquarium, or zoo.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerers with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Smile, it really does make people wonder!

A person entered my life over the last few years, an employer, that I developed a unique friendship with. Nobody could stand him, at work, or in town. He ran everyone away with his negativity, well, just about everyone. Some would still come in to get free beer, or food. And a select few of us, simply needed a job.

For me, I kinda felt bad for him. He was the first person in my life with an abundance of negative energy, that didn’t weigh me down. He would sit, and stew, and complain all day. To workers, to customers, about workers, about customers, etc. I would work 13 days straight at times, open to close shifts, and for some reason his consistent complaining didn’t bother me. He reduced every employee to tears with his rages, but somehow, never me. My goal everyday, was to make him smile or laugh.

I filled the room with smiles. I was so happy to be working, that I had a home for my kids, we were all healthy, that I broke free from some of the most controlling people Id met in my life, and that I had my independence. The list could go on for some time. I  felt on top of the world.

Often he would curse and say “Why are you always  so f***ing happy?” My answers would vary from time to time, but often I would say “Because I know it pisses you off” and he would smile, scratch his head, and walk away. When he came back around a few minutes later he would just look at me shaking his head, with a smirk on his face.

When we let go of criticism & overlook flaws in other people, we are then capable of connecting with feelings that border on bliss. When we realize that everyone has all the same tools, and that some aren’t just capable of using them all the same way, we are then able to see positive things in our own life.

When positive things are felt, seen, or heard we find ourselves smiling. And it can be contagious! Lets infect the world with our smiles, and while doing that, the disgruntled people will just have to continue wondering what we are up to. Maybe they will crave it eventually, and begin to smile too.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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