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Claiming Our Past

“If we don’t claim our past it will claim our future. It is not possible to know where we are going, if we can’t admit the places we have been.”

I have seen countless situations where people deny their past. They deny what they have done, or what has been done to them. They deny their experiences. Their fear of admitting mistakes or failures enables them  to continue in their negative cycle. Simply put, it cripples them and they can not grow as a person. Instead they keep making the same mistakes, again and again.

By denying our past experiences we set ourselves up to fail.  If we can’t admit where we have been or screwed up in life, how could we even begin to correct it? By hiding it or denying the experiences we are merely doing a patch job. As we know, patches only hold so long.

By laying it all out there and owning every experience: nobody has anything over us. We can walk in peace, with no secrets. We live in light  instead of darkness.

There is nobody worth keeping secrets. We are worth more than that. By owning our past and our experiences we begin to walk in truth. We can then break the negative cycles and patterns; and begin to experience peace and happiness.

We have to own our experiences, and learn from them. It is the only way to level up in the game of life. If we can’t admit them, how can we ever truly recognize what needs changed?  

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

The Mathematical Formula For Destructive Relationships

All relationships have the potential to be hazardous, abusive,  and destructive. The destruction begins gradually and at times it will not end until  long after the relationship itself has ended. It just depends on how long we allow the destruction to occur before stepping up to the board and balancing out the equation.

Just as in mathematical equations that become difficult; we should simplify difficult relationships in our lives too. Simplifying can mean counseling, creating a positive change in the relationship, eliminating irritants, or in some cases simply leaving the relationship and moving forward.

Destructive relationships can be hard to spot initially. Over time the signs become more obvious, especially as we begin to see what was once a bright flower wither and fade away. Once we see the first sign of a destructive relationship, the others signs and symptoms arrive shortly after. Or so it seems.

Signs of a Destructive Relationship:

Non-trustworthy partners seem to be a dime a dozen these days. The breaking of trust is the beginning of a destructive relationship. Once trust is broken; it is time to break out the hard hats. The wrecking crew has arrived.

If two people can not trust one another the relationship officially becomes classified as a destructive relationship. The person that can’t trust suffers, and as a result the person that can’t be trusted does too. This is not healthy for either party.

Recovery from broken trust is possible if correction occurs, and it is sincere and genuine. This typically means that there will not be repeat offenses. If there are repeat offenses there may be a bigger problem. There could be a compulsive liar in the picture. If so, there are ways to break the liar down. Once you break them down and all truth becomes visible, options can be weighed out and recovery is absolutely possible. Until then, brace yourself for the other phases of a destructive relationship.

Internal Damage leaves us holding on to things that leave us felling lost, hopeless, sad, or broken. These feelings can be overwhelming and cause panic attacks, anxiety attacks, depressions, and sometimes paranoia. Internal damage can make true forgiveness seem impossible.

External Damage is when one will begin to notice things around them breaking. Whether on purpose or by accident; everything begins to break down internally and externally. This typically happens after a few incidents have occurred that created internal damage or conflict.

Withdrawn from normal activities is a symptom of a destructive relationship.  One may withdraw from friends, family,  and activities. They will isolate themselves with their partner and display signs of social avoidance. This needs attention particularly if the withdrawing from others is not for legitimate reasons. Sometimes, people grow up and apart. It doesn’t necessarily mean one is withdrawn.

 

Excessive Weight gain or loss is another sign that someone is in a destructive relationship. Sometimes people who are suffering emotionally will eat or starve their way to feeling in control of something. Food becomes a replacement for those gaining weight. For those in a destructive relationship that are losing weight, I have found that they starve themselves strictly to feel in control of something in their life since other areas are lacking self-control.

Control is a common characteristic seen in one or both parties involved in destructive relationships. Controlling people have the same patterns across the board, and they will often come off as very well liked socially. If they tell you where to go, what to do, who to talk to, what to wear, or how to act; they may just have control issues. If both parties are insecure and have controls issue, there could be a few Doomsday’s ahead.

Psychological Abuse occurs when one belittles another’s achievements or lack there of. Psychological abuse can be any type of mind game; from name calling to threats of suicide. One may also manipulate their partner into forgiving or at least trying to. Someone who is psychologically abusing their partner may also threaten suicide when their partner decides to leave them. If the person being abused speaks of suicide, their words ought not be taken lightly. 

Psychological abuse can be any of the following phrases (to name a few):

I said NO! You can’t wear that! Nobody cares what you think! Nobody cares about you! You don’t matter! Who are you talking to? Who’s calling here? You can’t talk to “them” ! This is MY house! I pay the bills! You are LAZY! You are worthless! Get out! I don’t need you! I never loved you! You are ugly! You are fat! I hate you!

These words can be devastating, and often lead to violence. If you are in a violent relationship leave immediately. There are shelters across the country that house men, women, and children in violent situations who are looking for relief.

Violence is not healthy in any relationship. Violence can be hitting, throwing, smacking, cornering, or intimidating another person. Violence often follows psychological abuse.

Depression is usually the last phase before one begins to receive a reality check as to where their relationship has been; where it is, and the direction it is heading. Depression can be life threatening and one suffering from depression should seek help from a certified medical professional. There are some self-help techniques for depression, and ways to fight depression. However, talking to a counselor is always a good idea. It is nice to have an outsider help us reduce difficult equations.

When things become broken inwardly and outwardly in any relationship; getting out is the only way to avoid having only bits and pieces yourself left. Repairs are much easier when something is only partially broke, than when no longer running at all.

 © Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Loss of friendship, Loss of words


© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerers with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Signs Your Partner Is Dishonest Or Hiding Something

Honesty is huge in any relationship. It fuels trust. Without trust, the fires of love burn out quite quickly. Sometimes, instantly. © Angela Bininger 2009-2015

couples-1As we all know relationships are a lot of work. When feelings of love crowd in, logic sometimes gets lost. At times we may find ourselves questioning things, yet afraid to ask because we fear it is our own paranoia from a previous relationship or heartache. One thing I have found for certain, is that those instincts that lead you to question something have lead you there for a reason.

Signs Your Partner Is Being
Dishonest Or Hiding Something

He/She keeps to himself/herself – People who bottle emotions have a tendency to hide things other than their emotions. They seem to have a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy, or an “ask and I will tell if I want policy”.

He/She goes with whatever everyone else thinks/says/feels- I have seen this pattern quite often. Dishonest people seem to not have opinions of their own. Instead you will see/hear them regurgitate  opinions or feelings of someone else as their own. They will take a conversation you have with them and tell it like it is their own to someone else. Often they will do this right in front of you, unknowingly.


Stories seem to have holes – When asking serious questions take good mental notes. If something is suspicious ask the same question in a different manner, on different occasions. Eventually, he/she will trip up and you will begin to find stories with holes in them. Most of the time if one lie is found, there are plenty more where that one came from.


Beats around the bush if questioned, even on the simplest things – It is hard for a liar to give rapid and direct answers. If questioned they will either beat around the bush, or provide an answer with very little to no information. They are usually a slow responder.

Answering the question without answering the question – Liars are notorious for turning a question around. It is often a word game and if not worded properly it was never said, or never happened. For example : You ask after a spouse/partner has cheated “Have you talked to _____?” They answer “I haven’t seen _____?”  They offer enough information to satisfy the taste of the one inquiring. In this particular example, the question wasn’t answered directly. “No I haven’t seen him/her” is a huge flag. That was not the question asked. The question was “Have you talked to him/her”.

Liars live in a life of denial. They do not know who they are and are insecure. They use other’s words/thoughts/opinions/feelings and voice them as their own and respond to questions of others slowly because they are retracing their steps and trying to figure out what they last told and to who.

Until they decide to step out of denial, all you can do is keep confronting. And when you are tired of confronting the issues, walk away. People are people and although some change over time, some never will.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Do You Stay With The One Who Love’s You, Or Go Back To The One You Love?

I have been asked this question by one of my reader’s and have found other people in my life pondering the same question;

Do you stay with the one who loves you, or go back to the one you love?

I can only offer advice on the topic as I am in no position to make a decision for someone. It is a decision only the person asking the question can answer in their own time.

From my experience, many feel a need to go back. The question is, does the person you love, love you? Or is this a fantasy? Are you just remembering a time in life when things were pleasant, or did you really miss something good? More often than not, the answer is not the latter of the two.

Typically, as the saying goes; there is a reason this person didn’t make it to your future. From what I have observed in my life and others is; people who want to return to a past love, are usually those that are still carrying some sort of guilt from that relationship.  

For example: There are times one may want their ex. But it’s not necessarily them that they want. It is the fact that they are fantasizing and wanting what could’ve been. It is not because it was a fabulous relationship or it would not have ended. Something somewhere was lacking.

There is something to be said for having someone who truly loves you. Beyond the surface, and unconditionally. They accept your weaknesses, they do not judge you and they accept you for who you are. That is huge! Can you talk to them? Is there a good friendship? Because in the end, with years of marriage, the same friendship that started it will be the same friendship that allowed you to grow old gracefully, and together. 

If we love ourselves then we are capable of loving anyone who loves us.  Especially if they are someone we once loved.

We often over analyze our relationships and that causes problems. We are looking for that feeling that went away, those butterflies, the passion, and so on.

Mostly everyone has that “One who got away”. But they must hear these words; they got away for a reason. And the one who loves you, that one that you feel you just cant love you loved them at some point.

What is it that made you once love them?  Are there positive memories?  What brought you together? Do you have any common goals now? Sometimes it is something as minor as no longer having a goal or task you focus on together. Aside from raising children.

Often people get the house, the career, the kids, etc. and just get comfortable. They forget to plan for the next list of goals they want to achieve together. It can be something as minor as taking a dance class together, up to patenting that billion dollar idea. A couple has to have something to focus on in the relationship,besides raising children or they will lose sight of the friendship and love that the relationship offers.

As much as we as humans crave stability, the monotony of life can darn near drive us crazy. Re-invent yourself, find yourself, and most importantly love yourself.  After that, you will have your answer to this question: do I stay with the one who loves me, or go back to the one I love?

While deciding your answer, remember, the grass always looks greener on the other side. You are remembering a person who is probably not the same person you remember. They have grown, years have passed, etc. Odds are, if you don’t find yourself first you will ask the same question again, only this time it will be referring to the one you just left.


© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.