parenting

Do Controlling People Have Smaller Minds?

I’m sure we can all think of someone (or perhaps many someone’s) who have issues over control.

It appears to me that controlling people are the more narrow minded of the human species. I sometimes wonder if there is some sort of damage to the frontal or parietal lobe of their brain. It certainly would be an interesting study!

When dealing with a controlling person, we are dealing with someone who is irrational in most areas of life. they appear to be one who is mentally challenged when it comes to being logical about life situations or events. (The lights just aren’t all working upstairs, ya know?)

At times it seems as though we are talking to a wall when speaking with a controlling person. It’s their way, or the highway. We have a voice that they can’t hear and our opinions mean nothing to them. (Heaven forbid we speak our minds or have our own thoughts, opinions, or ideas.) 

Controlling people get what they want and they do it at almost any cost. The sad part is, they usually don’t even realize they are doing it. 

I read a really good book a few years ago by Patricia Evans as I began my journey as a single mother. It described controlling people to a tee. It explained that they lack self-esteem, and direction in their life. It said that sometimes it is because they are controlled by someone, and the only way for them to feel like they have any control in their own life, is to control the life of someone else.Her theories made perfect sense to me.

Controlling people often have addictions and other chemical imbalances in addition to unresolved childhood issues. They create their own reality, therefor explaining the narrow mindedness. She warned in the book the challenges of breaking free from those that control you. When in terms of divorce, she explains, the last thing they will use to control you is your children in a court room, and I must agree with her. I have experienced it myself, and I have seen it in the life’s of others. Man can it get nasty!

Can you think of anyone that shows the following signs?

*Substance Abuse- There is a huge link between excessive consumption of alcohol and controlling people.

*Increased Sensitivity- No matter what you say, they feel you are insulting them. They feel you are attacking their character and they get mad very easily. In women, they typically cry easy. In some cases they think nobody likes them, everybody hates them, they are mad at me etc.

*Extreme Jealousy- Are they worried about past relationships, or who you talk to on the phone? Do they think you are spending too much time with others and not enough with them?

*Dominance Over Every Issue- Do they have the final say in everything? Or even most things? Do they dominate the conversations forcing their opinions on you? Are you in a dictatorship instead of the partnership that you wanted?

*Complete Control Over Emotions- Do you feel they control your moods? What about your emotions? Are you only allowed to express certain emotions or feelings in their presence without an argument?

*Belittling – Are they making fun of you? Calling you names? Telling you that you couldn’t make it without them or that you would never find anyone else? Calling you ugly, fat, too skinny, etc.?

*Forced Intimacy- Do they force you to have sex or even guilt trip you into it? (I refer to it as a sympathy sex.) Do they force you to take on certain roles when having sex? Do they only satisfy themselves?

*Blaming others or guilt trips -“its not my fault” “YOU did this” “If you would have just listened!”

Patricia Evans, author of Controlling People says “Once the person loses a connection with oneself that forms his or her reality, control is pursued in the exterior world.”

The first stepThe important thing to know is, well, you can’t change them. They are who they are. Either you suck it up, take the abuse and leave them in your life OR you stick up for yourself, decide enough is enough, and you walk away. Only you can decide.

Walking away is difficult, and the control doesn’t necessarily stop unless you learn techniques on how to do so. And even then it can be tricky. They will attempt to make your life hell. To them it is your punishment for making them feel even worse about themselves.

The best revenge you can get however, will be a life well lived.

Though you are a victim of someone’s hurtful behavior, you are responsible for your response. Protect yourself, there is life after this. But it’s up to you to take the first step.

Are you being or have you been controlled before? What can you do or have you done to break the cycle? What do controlling people really want?

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Is Your Child Being Bullied? Build them up!

Statistics show that school bullying is far worse now than ever before. It can begin in elementary and last as long as the victim allows it. Currently it is present in my child’s elementary school, which to me seems extremely young. It is something that as a parent, you don’t expect to be teaching about, until it happens.

It is important that we as parents allow the child to fight the battle on their own. We are there to simply guide. We are there to teach them techniques in handling their relationship problems, not intervene and do all the work. Intervening will only make the child become more singled out, and of course picked on more. Now if things really begin to get out of line, we may need to step in. However, I feel it’s important that they learn to stand up for themselves.

Engage in a conversation with your child about self esteem. I explained to my son recently about a bully at his school: “It happens because he feels gross on the inside. He see’s you happy, doing good, and he is jealous. You have good friends, your teachers love you, you have a kind heart, you are smart, and you are handsome. Continue to pray for him, and continue to make wise choices for yourself. In 20 years that boy will likely be behind bars unless he finds Jesus and you will have finished college, be happily married, and living a beautiful life. So, don’t let people like that get you down.” He hugged me, thanked me, and began to discuss it some more with me. And I sat there thankful, that my children are comfortable telling me anything. I hope that never goes away!

I think it is important that we build our children up, they need to know they are important. Their opinions are important, they have a voice, they are people. I think it is crucial to teach them ways to deal with the issue, as well as just letting it go after a certain point. I would hate to see my child as a grown adult still stewing over what a school mate once said or did in their childhood. I want to raise children with confidence. I want them to use their voice, and when necessary, I will be there to back them up.

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Can A Cheater Change Their Ways?

One a cheat always a cheat, right? I don’t agree. I believe that if there is an intervention that anyone can change. However, from personal experience, I have found that people most often change when they are uncomfortable. And I mean realllllly uncomfortable!

If you have just found out someone you love has cheated and you are only dating with no attachments such as children, run for the hills. The heartache you leave them with by turning your back will be the only hope for them to change. At least immediately anyway. By sticking around you are lowering your standards, and selling yourself short. You deserve better, and it’s out there somewhere.

If you do have children and it has happened, seek immediate counsel. This is crucial! If you believe in God I recommend a christian counselor because your relationship needs a prayer warrior. If you do not believe in God, look for a counselor with good credentials. Someone that has been doing it for 20+ years would be ideal. Once you set the appointment, GO! Following through is important or you will end up right back where you are right now.

If you do not figure out the cause, and they do not take responsibility, odds are it will happen again. And again. And again. They may try and convince you that they have learned this one time by seeing the pain that they caused you. This is seldom true! Don’t buy it!

They will make it up to you, just wait, you will see. Well, if that is promised, all you can do is let time tell you the answer. Once they have cheated, as you know, their words don’t mean much. Nothing seems to really.

You will earn your P.H.D. in forgiveness if you decide to stay. BUT, they will never learn all they need to know about it, unless you walk away. Even if it is only temporary.

Yes, it is possible to prove the saying “once a cheat always a cheat” to be incorrect, however, without intervention the saying would prove to be true.

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What Empowers You?

I was asked a question a few weeks ago that gave me deep conviction. After pondering my response for a few weeks and feeling as though I finally have an answer I must now challenge my readers with the same exact question. What empowers you?

When I was asked this very question, the conviction didn’t come from the fact that I had no answers. I knew the answers, well, sort of. The conviction came from the fact that I felt as though I weren’t doing enough. As though I were just idling through life, and not really doing much of anything.

This question caused me to backtrack over the last few years of my life, and in doing that I realized that even though most of the things I do are of great purpose, there was nothing that really stood out as a simple answer. It prompted me to begin diving deep to figure out what actually empowers me the most, although I am still unable to narrow it down to one particular thing.

Here is what I came up with:

1.) Being a leader, teaching, helping others succeed. Wether it be parenting, helping friends with personal issues, passing along useful knowledge, coaching a team etc., I am passionate about leading.

2.) Setting goals and aggressively working to obtain them. (I had them set but was still just sitting on my butt watching other ships roll in and out, making excuses and extending deadlines)

3.) Being Independent both in thought and in actions. Knowing that my children see this and are taught to be this way, empowers me.

4.) Challenging others and being challenged by others. It makes you dig deep and do a self check with no other option than to learn more about yourself. That empowers me!

5.) Prayer!!!! God gives strength like no other. For those that do not believe and have never experienced the joy and peace he gives, I am sorry. I hope that someday you crave it and get a taste for it. He is real! I promise!

6.) Positive people!!! I love positive people! And typically I am a positive person. However, I know that if I am around negative energy it drags me to the ground. I can’t be around it. It is like cancer!

7.) Knowledge!!! When I gain knowledge about anything it empowers me! I feel a need to spread the news so to speak. Knowledge is power!

I still didn’t come up with an answer to blow anyone’s mind away, however, the point was to challenge you to think. What empowers you? What are you doing to make this world a better place? What do you dream of doing that you haven’t had the motivation to set out and achieve?

Perspective

A change of perspective will change your direction.

© 2010 Angela Bininger
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Boys, Hold your balls!

I played a few different sports as a youngster but basketball was by far my favorite, and I am passionate about teaching the skills that someone was once patient enough to teach me. If you have ever had a coach, you owe at least one season of your life to coaching something. A.) You get to give a little back, and B) At times it is just hilarious!

I coach a junior basketball girls team along with a boy’s team. I find it very fulfilling and look forward to every practice and game. So while at practice the other night with the boy’s team I’m doing various exercises. We are doing passing drills, layups, setting picks, learning plays, followed by this intense dribbling exercise that I taught them. When we finished the dribbling exercise I said, “OK BOYS, HOLD YOUR BALLS” as I proceeded to tell them the next drill.

I notice some parents giggling on the sidelines through my peripheral view, then I made eye contact with them. One mom then pointed to a 3rd grader on my team who was doing exactly that, holding his balls.

I guess I will have to be a little more specific next time! Crazy kids!

 

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Benefits of shared parenting, loneliness can be a good thing!

I guess the topic of conversation would vary from person to person, the circumstances that led up to it may also be slightly different, however, the results are all the same. You are alone.

Loneliness is often just as much of a good thing as a bad thing. It is a great time of  self-reflection, a time to heal, and a time to discover both old and new things about yourself. And discovering those things that got lost along the way, in the depths of a marriage,  are just as exciting as discovering the new ones.

For me, I have shared parenting. At first this was extremely difficult for me. I had never really been away from my children other than an occasional overnight at a relative’s house. When the every other week summer rotation began there was such a huge void there. It felt as though my life would end. Every other week I felt as though I had nothing. SO, as all single moms do…. I buried myself in work.

Eventually I found additional comfort at the library and began to check out heaps of self-help books. It would be nothing for me to walk out with 20 of them at a time. ANYTHING to occupy my mind. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was helping myself. I was learning. I was growing. And needless to say, I was surviving it. I just kept my mind so busy that I didn’t notice as much.

The one major plus side I see in shared parenting is this:

It gives me time every other week to reflect on the week prior and prepare for the week to come. There is time to  think about things that we did or didn’t do as a family, what could have been done better, should this or that been handled that way, the list goes on and on. There’s always time to self check! One simple example is: How often do you tell your child to hold on, just a second, or wait a minute? Those things are more noticeable after divorce when there is bi-weekly parenting. You catch it, then make an effort to correct it. Once you correct that one you are on to the next, and so forth.

I miss them a ton when they are gone, and anxiously await their return on Sunday nights. Although it is lonely, the lessons I’m learning will allow these children to become beautiful adults. There is nothing better for a child than to have a parent that is at peace with themselves. It gives balance, and allows them to see both love and hope! And there is nothing greater for young girls to see than a woman who is independent, and secure with who she is.

The Ohio State Of America

She was saying the pledge of allegiance and cheering on the buckeyes at the same time. This is one of a zillion reasons that I love being a mom. Kids are FUNNY! I am  so BLESSED! Here’s Riley, age 4.