Marriage

Just Leave Tiger Woods Alone Already

This entire story breaks my heart. As if the family isn’t enduring enough pain already. This scandal has proved one thing. Tiger Woods is human. He makes mistakes just like the rest of us. So many are bashing him, when they too could have made the same mistakes. Any one of us could have. At the end of the day, we are all animals. We are all capable of this. It occurs in 70% of relationships.

Anyone in his position would have been vulnerable. Why is everyone bashing him verses the home-wreckers that seduced him? How could they not know that he was married? He is in fact, Tiger Woods. Granted, he shouldn’t have done those things. He should have had more character. But what about the ladies? What about the fact that they had no class or morals? It does indeed take two!

Obviously there are deeper issues beyond cheating. Cheating is typically a symptom of a troubled marriage. There are issues in the relationship long before it happens. And typically those issues are because of both people in the relationship. It takes two to make a relationship, and two to break it.

Perhaps everyone should picture themselves getting millions to do what they love, while always away from their family. While one is home taking care of the kids, the other is bringing home the bacon. Any relationship like that, will encounter problems and there will likely be adultery. It doesn’t matter who it is. And when relationships have issues, and peoples needs aren’t being met these kind of things happen. So lets let the family have a little privacy. Please?

Are they hopeless romantics, or just insecure?

I use to be a hopeless romantic. I wrote love letters, packed his lunch for work with little love notes inside, and I wrote poetry. Just for him. I’d buy him little gifts, plan trips for us together, and I hung by his every word. He was my heart’s desire.
I washed and folded his clothes, cooked for him, and I often greeted him with a hot plate of food after a long days work. When he came home the house would be immaculate, with candles burning, and me anxiously awaiting his arrival. I’d rub his hands that were overworked, I’d rub his back and shoulders, along with his feet. I did it all, for quite some time.
All of these things I have mentioned are characteristics of a “hopeless romantic”. Hopeless romantics are the “doers” in the relationship, for the most part. They are on a mission! They are fixated on love, and the joy it brings. When they feel they have found love, for them, it’s total bliss. Their mission in life, is to find their soul mate!
In hindsight, I can’t help but wonder if it was really because I was insecure that I did these things. Did I subconsciously become a hopeless romantic because I feared more loss in my life? After many defeats, I wanted a victory! I just wanted to be loved, I wanted to hear and see those things returned to me, by him.
As I continued with the behaviors that define a hopeless romantic, so began a path of self-destruction. By constantly fighting to be loved, I lost myself. And eventually, him too. In finding myself again, post divorce, I have now realized how very insecure I was all of those years.
Ironically  now that I am independent and secure with myself;those traits of a hopeless romantic that I once carried seem to be gone.  I still have a romantic side of course, but it is nothing like it once was. Hopeless romantics, I now avoid, when before that was all I wanted in a partner.
hope·less 1. Having no hope; despairing. See Synonyms at despondent. 2. Offering no hope; bleak. 3. Incurable. 4. Having no possibility of solution; impossible.
ro·man·tic
1. Of, relating to, or characteristic of romance. 2. Given to thoughts or feelings of romance. See Synonyms at sentimental. 3. Displaying, expressive of, or conducive to love: a romantic atmosphere. 4. Imaginative but impractical; visionary: romantic notions. 5. Not based on fact; imaginary or fictitious: His memoirs were criticized as a romantic view of the past. 6. often Romantic Of or characteristic of romanticism in the arts. Is this just a coincidence? Or is there some truth to this? Are they hopeless romantics, or just insecure? What do you think?
© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerers with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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Do Controlling People Have Smaller Minds?

I’m sure we can all think of someone (or perhaps many someone’s) who have issues over control.

It appears to me that controlling people are the more narrow minded of the human species. I sometimes wonder if there is some sort of damage to the frontal or parietal lobe of their brain. It certainly would be an interesting study!

When dealing with a controlling person, we are dealing with someone who is irrational in most areas of life. they appear to be one who is mentally challenged when it comes to being logical about life situations or events. (The lights just aren’t all working upstairs, ya know?)

At times it seems as though we are talking to a wall when speaking with a controlling person. It’s their way, or the highway. We have a voice that they can’t hear and our opinions mean nothing to them. (Heaven forbid we speak our minds or have our own thoughts, opinions, or ideas.) 

Controlling people get what they want and they do it at almost any cost. The sad part is, they usually don’t even realize they are doing it. 

I read a really good book a few years ago by Patricia Evans as I began my journey as a single mother. It described controlling people to a tee. It explained that they lack self-esteem, and direction in their life. It said that sometimes it is because they are controlled by someone, and the only way for them to feel like they have any control in their own life, is to control the life of someone else.Her theories made perfect sense to me.

Controlling people often have addictions and other chemical imbalances in addition to unresolved childhood issues. They create their own reality, therefor explaining the narrow mindedness. She warned in the book the challenges of breaking free from those that control you. When in terms of divorce, she explains, the last thing they will use to control you is your children in a court room, and I must agree with her. I have experienced it myself, and I have seen it in the life’s of others. Man can it get nasty!

Can you think of anyone that shows the following signs?

*Substance Abuse- There is a huge link between excessive consumption of alcohol and controlling people.

*Increased Sensitivity- No matter what you say, they feel you are insulting them. They feel you are attacking their character and they get mad very easily. In women, they typically cry easy. In some cases they think nobody likes them, everybody hates them, they are mad at me etc.

*Extreme Jealousy- Are they worried about past relationships, or who you talk to on the phone? Do they think you are spending too much time with others and not enough with them?

*Dominance Over Every Issue- Do they have the final say in everything? Or even most things? Do they dominate the conversations forcing their opinions on you? Are you in a dictatorship instead of the partnership that you wanted?

*Complete Control Over Emotions- Do you feel they control your moods? What about your emotions? Are you only allowed to express certain emotions or feelings in their presence without an argument?

*Belittling – Are they making fun of you? Calling you names? Telling you that you couldn’t make it without them or that you would never find anyone else? Calling you ugly, fat, too skinny, etc.?

*Forced Intimacy- Do they force you to have sex or even guilt trip you into it? (I refer to it as a sympathy sex.) Do they force you to take on certain roles when having sex? Do they only satisfy themselves?

*Blaming others or guilt trips -“its not my fault” “YOU did this” “If you would have just listened!”

Patricia Evans, author of Controlling People says “Once the person loses a connection with oneself that forms his or her reality, control is pursued in the exterior world.”

The first stepThe important thing to know is, well, you can’t change them. They are who they are. Either you suck it up, take the abuse and leave them in your life OR you stick up for yourself, decide enough is enough, and you walk away. Only you can decide.

Walking away is difficult, and the control doesn’t necessarily stop unless you learn techniques on how to do so. And even then it can be tricky. They will attempt to make your life hell. To them it is your punishment for making them feel even worse about themselves.

The best revenge you can get however, will be a life well lived.

Though you are a victim of someone’s hurtful behavior, you are responsible for your response. Protect yourself, there is life after this. But it’s up to you to take the first step.

Are you being or have you been controlled before? What can you do or have you done to break the cycle? What do controlling people really want?

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fear of Loneliness Forces Dating


Most people find it hard to be alone. They are insecure, and have a fear of facing themselves. Some are so insecure, that they begin a relationship before the last one is finished. Or perhaps they have finished it, moved out etc., but within days, weeks, or even a few short months they are already in a new relationship. This is very unhealthy, obviously.

Often they are fooled thinking they have found the love of their life. They see nothing but goodness in this person. This is their soul mate! My oh my, how their fear blinds them. This person has so much to offer them, they think, and they take no time to see what they have to offer themselves, without becoming codependent in a brand new relationship.

Some rush to commit because they found someone who doesn’t have the shortcomings of their last partner. They think they are in love with someone they haven’t seen in 15 years because everything seems to be so perfect. They remember being 10 or 12 together so this now makes them soul mates. It can be quite deceiving! What they fail to realize, is that the new relationship is now doomed. It may take years, but it will likely fail.

The problem is that people whom fall into this category, have done little to no time evaluating themselves or their life. They have subconsciously pinned everything their last mate wasn’t, on this new person. They have avoided confronting themselves. They most likely avoided recognizing where they were responsible in the failing of the last relationship they were in. Yes, these people who rush into things, they are insecure.

It is important that you are secure with who you are before entering any new relationship. If you aren’t, you will end up right back where you were, single. There are lessons in everything, and they are repeated until learned. Especially in relationships.

Looking deep inside ourselves before taking steps with another person, is the only chance at succeeding the next time.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Can A Cheater Change Their Ways?

One a cheat always a cheat, right? I don’t agree. I believe that if there is an intervention that anyone can change. However, from personal experience, I have found that people most often change when they are uncomfortable. And I mean realllllly uncomfortable!

If you have just found out someone you love has cheated and you are only dating with no attachments such as children, run for the hills. The heartache you leave them with by turning your back will be the only hope for them to change. At least immediately anyway. By sticking around you are lowering your standards, and selling yourself short. You deserve better, and it’s out there somewhere.

If you do have children and it has happened, seek immediate counsel. This is crucial! If you believe in God I recommend a christian counselor because your relationship needs a prayer warrior. If you do not believe in God, look for a counselor with good credentials. Someone that has been doing it for 20+ years would be ideal. Once you set the appointment, GO! Following through is important or you will end up right back where you are right now.

If you do not figure out the cause, and they do not take responsibility, odds are it will happen again. And again. And again. They may try and convince you that they have learned this one time by seeing the pain that they caused you. This is seldom true! Don’t buy it!

They will make it up to you, just wait, you will see. Well, if that is promised, all you can do is let time tell you the answer. Once they have cheated, as you know, their words don’t mean much. Nothing seems to really.

You will earn your P.H.D. in forgiveness if you decide to stay. BUT, they will never learn all they need to know about it, unless you walk away. Even if it is only temporary.

Yes, it is possible to prove the saying “once a cheat always a cheat” to be incorrect, however, without intervention the saying would prove to be true.

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The Splinternet, Marriage, & Social Networking Sites

This gals shirt reads “Myspace ruined my relationship”


Many people know the dangers facing marriages these days due to social networking sites. The internet in a large percentage of families, could be better described as “The Splinternet.”

Many couples see no danger when they first create a profile on sites such as Myspace, Facebook, twitter etc. The problem however is that it is all to easy to lose sight of what is really important, your marriage. Especially if there is an issue of loneliness and companionship.

I think in order to eliminate the odds of cheating that both people should have active accounts. I feel that passwords should be shared. I know it may sound absolutely ridiculous, but it is not. Many can attest to the fact that they too, were damaged by the splinternet.

It is all to easy to start searching through your past, wondering why you and Billy Bob or Suzy-Q never ended up together. They are single or in a miserable marriage now, and well, your spouse doesn’t pay much attention to you. Heck, you can’t even remember the last time you had an orgasm you didn’t have to fake with your spouse. It’s been years since you heard “Hey beautiful!”, “You are amazing”, the list goes on and on.

When a marriage is already struggling (or not struggling in some cases) it can take something as simple as “You are beautiful” or “You are handsome, you haven’t changed a bit” and then likely the affair will begin. It will be innocent, at first. Just old friends catching up, no biggie. It’s just an innocent email, text, phone call or lunch! Aw, it’s just a reunion with some old school friends, why should you take your spouse when someone has to stay back to watch the kids?

I would like to think that at least 95% of cheaters, thought they would never cheat. Those that say they never will or would, probably haven’t lived long enough or have experienced it’s effects at some point in their life to have come to such a decision. Regardless of your opinion on the matter, you don’t know what you would do until you were in the situation. We are all capable of the same things, and not a soul on this earth is incapable of cheating.

So be careful! Families tearing apart causes excruciating pain as you know. If your spouse doesn’t have an account, you probably shouldn’t either. Spend the time with him/her, your children, and the things that truly matter. You had those years with those people, and these years with your children …. you will never get back. Do the right thing! If not, guilt will eat at you for years to come. The past is a past for a reason. Let it be just that, the past.

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What Empowers You?

I was asked a question a few weeks ago that gave me deep conviction. After pondering my response for a few weeks and feeling as though I finally have an answer I must now challenge my readers with the same exact question. What empowers you?

When I was asked this very question, the conviction didn’t come from the fact that I had no answers. I knew the answers, well, sort of. The conviction came from the fact that I felt as though I weren’t doing enough. As though I were just idling through life, and not really doing much of anything.

This question caused me to backtrack over the last few years of my life, and in doing that I realized that even though most of the things I do are of great purpose, there was nothing that really stood out as a simple answer. It prompted me to begin diving deep to figure out what actually empowers me the most, although I am still unable to narrow it down to one particular thing.

Here is what I came up with:

1.) Being a leader, teaching, helping others succeed. Wether it be parenting, helping friends with personal issues, passing along useful knowledge, coaching a team etc., I am passionate about leading.

2.) Setting goals and aggressively working to obtain them. (I had them set but was still just sitting on my butt watching other ships roll in and out, making excuses and extending deadlines)

3.) Being Independent both in thought and in actions. Knowing that my children see this and are taught to be this way, empowers me.

4.) Challenging others and being challenged by others. It makes you dig deep and do a self check with no other option than to learn more about yourself. That empowers me!

5.) Prayer!!!! God gives strength like no other. For those that do not believe and have never experienced the joy and peace he gives, I am sorry. I hope that someday you crave it and get a taste for it. He is real! I promise!

6.) Positive people!!! I love positive people! And typically I am a positive person. However, I know that if I am around negative energy it drags me to the ground. I can’t be around it. It is like cancer!

7.) Knowledge!!! When I gain knowledge about anything it empowers me! I feel a need to spread the news so to speak. Knowledge is power!

I still didn’t come up with an answer to blow anyone’s mind away, however, the point was to challenge you to think. What empowers you? What are you doing to make this world a better place? What do you dream of doing that you haven’t had the motivation to set out and achieve?

The grass isn’t greener, that was your new neighbor’s grass that you were admiring!

So often in the last few years I have been approached by women from various walks of life that admire my life from afar as a single mother. I don’t think they admire the life itself so much, but they certainly admire my relationship with my children and can feel the peace and harmony in our home.

They come to me for advice as their marriages and family deteriorate because the grass looks so much greener on this side, to them anyway. I don’t sense that it is the grass appearing greener that attracts them to it. Instead I think  they crave  that sense of self-worth. They want an identity outside of “the wife”  or “the mom of ___.” They want to feel strong, independent, empowered, and like they have a voice. Most of the time, they just want to be heard, but, he just won’t listen. They just want a friend, someone to inspire them and motivate them. Someone that believes in the words that they speak.

Typically when I’m asked my opinion on the matter, what I tell them is this:

The grass isn’t greener. You see, when I jumped off the fence I landed on a pile of dirt. All I could see before the jump was all the pretty grass that others planted. That was their grass. It was up to me to plant the seeds, fertilize it, water it, grow it, and now I get to mow it.

There are still seasons of dryness, and during those times I’m lucky to even have a garden. But, the grass is at least growing. It is growing because it is meticulously cared for and nurtured. It was never just magically there, it took a lot of hard work. Sometimes I worked for hours upon hours to get one little patch, and at other times friends and family arrived to help me get the job done.

So although to the naked eye it seems greener now, you too will start with the same seed and pile of dirt that I once did. You will even find that dogs are still dogs, and will still pee and poop on it. You can build whatever you want on it, it’s a blank canvas! But it is up to you, and only you. You can only count on you, and it will be a long hard road. I am here if you need me no matter what you decide!

I urge them to find another way, and I urge them to find themselves. Some choose to take the advice they asked for, and some choose to ignore it and learn the hard way, just as I did. I do know, however, whatever they do decide that eventually they will see that they too, were guilty of admiring from afar something they didn’t plant.  And that my friend, is a harsh lesson to learn. I highly recommend you try alternatives before taking that route, because whether you stay or go, at some point you will have to face yourself. And you can find yourself, right where you are. There is no need to make life more complicated.

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Perspective

A change of perspective will change your direction.

© 2010 Angela Bininger
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Broken Again

My soul is broken

The pain is so real

Why does he do this

Why cant he feel?

Why is he so angry?

Always has to shout!

Why cant he communicate?

Can someone help me out?

Ive been trying to get away

From this vicious cycle we are in

Now I have the courage I need

To put this all to an end

I cant stand to look at him

Or hear what comes out of his mouth

I cant spend forever like this

Living in denial and doubt!

© 2005 Angela Bininger