Dating

Who Do You Love?

Love is the willing sacrificial giving of oneself for the benefit of others, without the thought of return. With that being said, how many of us truly love? We say things like “Well I did this for them, they can at least ____.” We keep score in our head of who has done what in the relationship such as who visits who, who calls who, etc. We don’t always admit that we do this, but we do.

So, I guess the question here is “Who Do You Love?” How many people have you loved to this degree? When is the last time you loved someone and expected nothing in return? Have you done a favor for someone you love, and when the time came for you to have a favor done for you nobody came through? Were you irritated? Did you expect them to do for you what you once did for them?

If everyone memorized and lived by this definition, we would all be a lot easier to love. Love isn’t easy, but certainly was never intended to be a battlefield. It was intended to be the “willing and sacrificial giving of oneself for the benefit of others, without the thought of return.” Yes, that is love. True love.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

10 Places For Men To Meet A Normal Woman


I guess when deciding where to meet a “normal” woman it might help to know that “normal, is slightly overrated. However, if you mean normal as in she has morals, character, is secure with herself, and independent, then you might luck out in one of the 10 places listed below.

1. At the gym! Most women that visit a gym regularly have a sense of self-worth and value their appearance.

2. At church! Most people who attend regular church service often have a higher moral. Far different from the average bar fly!

3. Awareness Rallies! For example; Autism Awareness, Breast Cancer, Swim for Diabetes etc. These are great places to meet people with a lot of drive, that are passionate, and devoted!

4. P.T.O. meetings! School activities for your children are a great way to network and meet people. If a parent is attending a P.T.O. meeting they are not only dedicated to their children, but to the community.

5. At  a craft store! Most women that visit craft stores, are creative! They love projects! They probably enjoy space when in a relationship.

6. Join a coed volleyball team! This is a wonderful way to meet a good woman! Women who play sports are typically more adjusted than those that don’t. Active is a good thing!

7. The library! Knowledge is sexy, and a woman who frequents the library is likely a woman who knows where she is going in life.

8. A local nursery! Women typically plant their own flowers, and well, they have to buy them somewhere!

9. Campgrounds! Women that aren’t afraid to get their hands dirty are usually the type that get involved in a relationship, for the long haul.

10. Family reunion! Okay, okay, I had to crack a funny somewhere! Please, no family reunions! Not yours anyway! So the tenth place to meet a woman would be at a local water park, science center, aquarium, or zoo.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerers with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Are they hopeless romantics, or just insecure?

I use to be a hopeless romantic. I wrote love letters, packed his lunch for work with little love notes inside, and I wrote poetry. Just for him. I’d buy him little gifts, plan trips for us together, and I hung by his every word. He was my heart’s desire.
I washed and folded his clothes, cooked for him, and I often greeted him with a hot plate of food after a long days work. When he came home the house would be immaculate, with candles burning, and me anxiously awaiting his arrival. I’d rub his hands that were overworked, I’d rub his back and shoulders, along with his feet. I did it all, for quite some time.
All of these things I have mentioned are characteristics of a “hopeless romantic”. Hopeless romantics are the “doers” in the relationship, for the most part. They are on a mission! They are fixated on love, and the joy it brings. When they feel they have found love, for them, it’s total bliss. Their mission in life, is to find their soul mate!
In hindsight, I can’t help but wonder if it was really because I was insecure that I did these things. Did I subconsciously become a hopeless romantic because I feared more loss in my life? After many defeats, I wanted a victory! I just wanted to be loved, I wanted to hear and see those things returned to me, by him.
As I continued with the behaviors that define a hopeless romantic, so began a path of self-destruction. By constantly fighting to be loved, I lost myself. And eventually, him too. In finding myself again, post divorce, I have now realized how very insecure I was all of those years.
Ironically  now that I am independent and secure with myself;those traits of a hopeless romantic that I once carried seem to be gone.  I still have a romantic side of course, but it is nothing like it once was. Hopeless romantics, I now avoid, when before that was all I wanted in a partner.
hope·less 1. Having no hope; despairing. See Synonyms at despondent. 2. Offering no hope; bleak. 3. Incurable. 4. Having no possibility of solution; impossible.
ro·man·tic
1. Of, relating to, or characteristic of romance. 2. Given to thoughts or feelings of romance. See Synonyms at sentimental. 3. Displaying, expressive of, or conducive to love: a romantic atmosphere. 4. Imaginative but impractical; visionary: romantic notions. 5. Not based on fact; imaginary or fictitious: His memoirs were criticized as a romantic view of the past. 6. often Romantic Of or characteristic of romanticism in the arts. Is this just a coincidence? Or is there some truth to this? Are they hopeless romantics, or just insecure? What do you think?
© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerers with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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Do Controlling People Have Smaller Minds?

I’m sure we can all think of someone (or perhaps many someone’s) who have issues over control.

It appears to me that controlling people are the more narrow minded of the human species. I sometimes wonder if there is some sort of damage to the frontal or parietal lobe of their brain. It certainly would be an interesting study!

When dealing with a controlling person, we are dealing with someone who is irrational in most areas of life. they appear to be one who is mentally challenged when it comes to being logical about life situations or events. (The lights just aren’t all working upstairs, ya know?)

At times it seems as though we are talking to a wall when speaking with a controlling person. It’s their way, or the highway. We have a voice that they can’t hear and our opinions mean nothing to them. (Heaven forbid we speak our minds or have our own thoughts, opinions, or ideas.) 

Controlling people get what they want and they do it at almost any cost. The sad part is, they usually don’t even realize they are doing it. 

I read a really good book a few years ago by Patricia Evans as I began my journey as a single mother. It described controlling people to a tee. It explained that they lack self-esteem, and direction in their life. It said that sometimes it is because they are controlled by someone, and the only way for them to feel like they have any control in their own life, is to control the life of someone else.Her theories made perfect sense to me.

Controlling people often have addictions and other chemical imbalances in addition to unresolved childhood issues. They create their own reality, therefor explaining the narrow mindedness. She warned in the book the challenges of breaking free from those that control you. When in terms of divorce, she explains, the last thing they will use to control you is your children in a court room, and I must agree with her. I have experienced it myself, and I have seen it in the life’s of others. Man can it get nasty!

Can you think of anyone that shows the following signs?

*Substance Abuse- There is a huge link between excessive consumption of alcohol and controlling people.

*Increased Sensitivity- No matter what you say, they feel you are insulting them. They feel you are attacking their character and they get mad very easily. In women, they typically cry easy. In some cases they think nobody likes them, everybody hates them, they are mad at me etc.

*Extreme Jealousy- Are they worried about past relationships, or who you talk to on the phone? Do they think you are spending too much time with others and not enough with them?

*Dominance Over Every Issue- Do they have the final say in everything? Or even most things? Do they dominate the conversations forcing their opinions on you? Are you in a dictatorship instead of the partnership that you wanted?

*Complete Control Over Emotions- Do you feel they control your moods? What about your emotions? Are you only allowed to express certain emotions or feelings in their presence without an argument?

*Belittling – Are they making fun of you? Calling you names? Telling you that you couldn’t make it without them or that you would never find anyone else? Calling you ugly, fat, too skinny, etc.?

*Forced Intimacy- Do they force you to have sex or even guilt trip you into it? (I refer to it as a sympathy sex.) Do they force you to take on certain roles when having sex? Do they only satisfy themselves?

*Blaming others or guilt trips -“its not my fault” “YOU did this” “If you would have just listened!”

Patricia Evans, author of Controlling People says “Once the person loses a connection with oneself that forms his or her reality, control is pursued in the exterior world.”

The first stepThe important thing to know is, well, you can’t change them. They are who they are. Either you suck it up, take the abuse and leave them in your life OR you stick up for yourself, decide enough is enough, and you walk away. Only you can decide.

Walking away is difficult, and the control doesn’t necessarily stop unless you learn techniques on how to do so. And even then it can be tricky. They will attempt to make your life hell. To them it is your punishment for making them feel even worse about themselves.

The best revenge you can get however, will be a life well lived.

Though you are a victim of someone’s hurtful behavior, you are responsible for your response. Protect yourself, there is life after this. But it’s up to you to take the first step.

Are you being or have you been controlled before? What can you do or have you done to break the cycle? What do controlling people really want?

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fear of Loneliness Forces Dating


Most people find it hard to be alone. They are insecure, and have a fear of facing themselves. Some are so insecure, that they begin a relationship before the last one is finished. Or perhaps they have finished it, moved out etc., but within days, weeks, or even a few short months they are already in a new relationship. This is very unhealthy, obviously.

Often they are fooled thinking they have found the love of their life. They see nothing but goodness in this person. This is their soul mate! My oh my, how their fear blinds them. This person has so much to offer them, they think, and they take no time to see what they have to offer themselves, without becoming codependent in a brand new relationship.

Some rush to commit because they found someone who doesn’t have the shortcomings of their last partner. They think they are in love with someone they haven’t seen in 15 years because everything seems to be so perfect. They remember being 10 or 12 together so this now makes them soul mates. It can be quite deceiving! What they fail to realize, is that the new relationship is now doomed. It may take years, but it will likely fail.

The problem is that people whom fall into this category, have done little to no time evaluating themselves or their life. They have subconsciously pinned everything their last mate wasn’t, on this new person. They have avoided confronting themselves. They most likely avoided recognizing where they were responsible in the failing of the last relationship they were in. Yes, these people who rush into things, they are insecure.

It is important that you are secure with who you are before entering any new relationship. If you aren’t, you will end up right back where you were, single. There are lessons in everything, and they are repeated until learned. Especially in relationships.

Looking deep inside ourselves before taking steps with another person, is the only chance at succeeding the next time.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The grass isn’t greener, that was your new neighbor’s grass that you were admiring!

So often in the last few years I have been approached by women from various walks of life that admire my life from afar as a single mother. I don’t think they admire the life itself so much, but they certainly admire my relationship with my children and can feel the peace and harmony in our home.

They come to me for advice as their marriages and family deteriorate because the grass looks so much greener on this side, to them anyway. I don’t sense that it is the grass appearing greener that attracts them to it. Instead I think  they crave  that sense of self-worth. They want an identity outside of “the wife”  or “the mom of ___.” They want to feel strong, independent, empowered, and like they have a voice. Most of the time, they just want to be heard, but, he just won’t listen. They just want a friend, someone to inspire them and motivate them. Someone that believes in the words that they speak.

Typically when I’m asked my opinion on the matter, what I tell them is this:

The grass isn’t greener. You see, when I jumped off the fence I landed on a pile of dirt. All I could see before the jump was all the pretty grass that others planted. That was their grass. It was up to me to plant the seeds, fertilize it, water it, grow it, and now I get to mow it.

There are still seasons of dryness, and during those times I’m lucky to even have a garden. But, the grass is at least growing. It is growing because it is meticulously cared for and nurtured. It was never just magically there, it took a lot of hard work. Sometimes I worked for hours upon hours to get one little patch, and at other times friends and family arrived to help me get the job done.

So although to the naked eye it seems greener now, you too will start with the same seed and pile of dirt that I once did. You will even find that dogs are still dogs, and will still pee and poop on it. You can build whatever you want on it, it’s a blank canvas! But it is up to you, and only you. You can only count on you, and it will be a long hard road. I am here if you need me no matter what you decide!

I urge them to find another way, and I urge them to find themselves. Some choose to take the advice they asked for, and some choose to ignore it and learn the hard way, just as I did. I do know, however, whatever they do decide that eventually they will see that they too, were guilty of admiring from afar something they didn’t plant.  And that my friend, is a harsh lesson to learn. I highly recommend you try alternatives before taking that route, because whether you stay or go, at some point you will have to face yourself. And you can find yourself, right where you are. There is no need to make life more complicated.

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Benefits of shared parenting, loneliness can be a good thing!

I guess the topic of conversation would vary from person to person, the circumstances that led up to it may also be slightly different, however, the results are all the same. You are alone.

Loneliness is often just as much of a good thing as a bad thing. It is a great time of  self-reflection, a time to heal, and a time to discover both old and new things about yourself. And discovering those things that got lost along the way, in the depths of a marriage,  are just as exciting as discovering the new ones.

For me, I have shared parenting. At first this was extremely difficult for me. I had never really been away from my children other than an occasional overnight at a relative’s house. When the every other week summer rotation began there was such a huge void there. It felt as though my life would end. Every other week I felt as though I had nothing. SO, as all single moms do…. I buried myself in work.

Eventually I found additional comfort at the library and began to check out heaps of self-help books. It would be nothing for me to walk out with 20 of them at a time. ANYTHING to occupy my mind. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was helping myself. I was learning. I was growing. And needless to say, I was surviving it. I just kept my mind so busy that I didn’t notice as much.

The one major plus side I see in shared parenting is this:

It gives me time every other week to reflect on the week prior and prepare for the week to come. There is time to  think about things that we did or didn’t do as a family, what could have been done better, should this or that been handled that way, the list goes on and on. There’s always time to self check! One simple example is: How often do you tell your child to hold on, just a second, or wait a minute? Those things are more noticeable after divorce when there is bi-weekly parenting. You catch it, then make an effort to correct it. Once you correct that one you are on to the next, and so forth.

I miss them a ton when they are gone, and anxiously await their return on Sunday nights. Although it is lonely, the lessons I’m learning will allow these children to become beautiful adults. There is nothing better for a child than to have a parent that is at peace with themselves. It gives balance, and allows them to see both love and hope! And there is nothing greater for young girls to see than a woman who is independent, and secure with who she is.

Time

The minutes seem like hours since I last felt your touch. You bring to me an innocence I have missed so very much. To watch you smile as I stare into your eyes, touches my heart and soul to the core. I love you more now than I ever have before. The minutes will seem like hours until I see your face again. You are a blessing and a gift from God, my friend until the end.

© 2006 Angela Bininger