Relationships

Claiming Our Past

“If we don’t claim our past it will claim our future. It is not possible to know where we are going, if we can’t admit the places we have been.”

I have seen countless situations where people deny their past. They deny what they have done, or what has been done to them. They deny their experiences. Their fear of admitting mistakes or failures enables them  to continue in their negative cycle. Simply put, it cripples them and they can not grow as a person. Instead they keep making the same mistakes, again and again.

By denying our past experiences we set ourselves up to fail.  If we can’t admit where we have been or screwed up in life, how could we even begin to correct it? By hiding it or denying the experiences we are merely doing a patch job. As we know, patches only hold so long.

By laying it all out there and owning every experience: nobody has anything over us. We can walk in peace, with no secrets. We live in light  instead of darkness.

There is nobody worth keeping secrets. We are worth more than that. By owning our past and our experiences we begin to walk in truth. We can then break the negative cycles and patterns; and begin to experience peace and happiness.

We have to own our experiences, and learn from them. It is the only way to level up in the game of life. If we can’t admit them, how can we ever truly recognize what needs changed?  

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Truth or Dare – The Game of Chances


Truth or Dare is a game we play daily, and a game of choice. We can either speak the truth, or dare to bear the consequences.

The consequences of taking the Dare or telling the lie could be; losing a relationship, a job, a child’s heart, losing others respect or whatever else may apply. No matter what the case may be, we are always better off choosing the truth. It is the safest way to play.

The consequences of truth are well-known in advance. So, the person may not speak to you for a while. They may avoid you or the issue at hand. They may even try to turn it around or blame you or others. However, over time they will most likely respect you for telling them the truth.

Telling the truth will cause some sort of friction but only because the truth does hurt. What we must all remember is; the truth never hurts as much as not being worth the truth at all. We should be honest in all things, because, nobody is really worth lying to. Why sacrifice ourselves?

Each dare that we take has a hidden price-tag. The price will not be visible until we get to the register. Usually, if there is no price-tag visible it is because we can’t really afford it.

Due to the expense, each dare will eventually lead to emotional bankruptcy. If we invest in lies then we will be guaranteed to lose in this life long game of Truth or Dare.  Why play to lose?

There is only one guaranteed way to win this game of Truth or Dare, and that is by picking the truth every time. Although the dares may be ones way of filing for bankruptcy, the truth is more like purchasing stock. There is no better investment in life, than having emotional freedom. The truth is not only free to invest in, but it sets us free too.

The truth is what keeps us upright and walking in light; whereas taking the dares will force us to walk in darkness. What do you get when you mix darkness and light, or black and white? Gray skies, and cloudy days!  Keep those who rebuke the truth, far away.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

The Mathematical Formula For Destructive Relationships

All relationships have the potential to be hazardous, abusive,  and destructive. The destruction begins gradually and at times it will not end until  long after the relationship itself has ended. It just depends on how long we allow the destruction to occur before stepping up to the board and balancing out the equation.

Just as in mathematical equations that become difficult; we should simplify difficult relationships in our lives too. Simplifying can mean counseling, creating a positive change in the relationship, eliminating irritants, or in some cases simply leaving the relationship and moving forward.

Destructive relationships can be hard to spot initially. Over time the signs become more obvious, especially as we begin to see what was once a bright flower wither and fade away. Once we see the first sign of a destructive relationship, the others signs and symptoms arrive shortly after. Or so it seems.

Signs of a Destructive Relationship:

Non-trustworthy partners seem to be a dime a dozen these days. The breaking of trust is the beginning of a destructive relationship. Once trust is broken; it is time to break out the hard hats. The wrecking crew has arrived.

If two people can not trust one another the relationship officially becomes classified as a destructive relationship. The person that can’t trust suffers, and as a result the person that can’t be trusted does too. This is not healthy for either party.

Recovery from broken trust is possible if correction occurs, and it is sincere and genuine. This typically means that there will not be repeat offenses. If there are repeat offenses there may be a bigger problem. There could be a compulsive liar in the picture. If so, there are ways to break the liar down. Once you break them down and all truth becomes visible, options can be weighed out and recovery is absolutely possible. Until then, brace yourself for the other phases of a destructive relationship.

Internal Damage leaves us holding on to things that leave us felling lost, hopeless, sad, or broken. These feelings can be overwhelming and cause panic attacks, anxiety attacks, depressions, and sometimes paranoia. Internal damage can make true forgiveness seem impossible.

External Damage is when one will begin to notice things around them breaking. Whether on purpose or by accident; everything begins to break down internally and externally. This typically happens after a few incidents have occurred that created internal damage or conflict.

Withdrawn from normal activities is a symptom of a destructive relationship.  One may withdraw from friends, family,  and activities. They will isolate themselves with their partner and display signs of social avoidance. This needs attention particularly if the withdrawing from others is not for legitimate reasons. Sometimes, people grow up and apart. It doesn’t necessarily mean one is withdrawn.

 

Excessive Weight gain or loss is another sign that someone is in a destructive relationship. Sometimes people who are suffering emotionally will eat or starve their way to feeling in control of something. Food becomes a replacement for those gaining weight. For those in a destructive relationship that are losing weight, I have found that they starve themselves strictly to feel in control of something in their life since other areas are lacking self-control.

Control is a common characteristic seen in one or both parties involved in destructive relationships. Controlling people have the same patterns across the board, and they will often come off as very well liked socially. If they tell you where to go, what to do, who to talk to, what to wear, or how to act; they may just have control issues. If both parties are insecure and have controls issue, there could be a few Doomsday’s ahead.

Psychological Abuse occurs when one belittles another’s achievements or lack there of. Psychological abuse can be any type of mind game; from name calling to threats of suicide. One may also manipulate their partner into forgiving or at least trying to. Someone who is psychologically abusing their partner may also threaten suicide when their partner decides to leave them. If the person being abused speaks of suicide, their words ought not be taken lightly. 

Psychological abuse can be any of the following phrases (to name a few):

I said NO! You can’t wear that! Nobody cares what you think! Nobody cares about you! You don’t matter! Who are you talking to? Who’s calling here? You can’t talk to “them” ! This is MY house! I pay the bills! You are LAZY! You are worthless! Get out! I don’t need you! I never loved you! You are ugly! You are fat! I hate you!

These words can be devastating, and often lead to violence. If you are in a violent relationship leave immediately. There are shelters across the country that house men, women, and children in violent situations who are looking for relief.

Violence is not healthy in any relationship. Violence can be hitting, throwing, smacking, cornering, or intimidating another person. Violence often follows psychological abuse.

Depression is usually the last phase before one begins to receive a reality check as to where their relationship has been; where it is, and the direction it is heading. Depression can be life threatening and one suffering from depression should seek help from a certified medical professional. There are some self-help techniques for depression, and ways to fight depression. However, talking to a counselor is always a good idea. It is nice to have an outsider help us reduce difficult equations.

When things become broken inwardly and outwardly in any relationship; getting out is the only way to avoid having only bits and pieces yourself left. Repairs are much easier when something is only partially broke, than when no longer running at all.

 © Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

So What Is There To Get? Some People Stay Friends After A Divorce

I guess you could say this blog has been a long time coming. It probably hadn’t written itself till now because, well, I just wasn’t ready. This blog is dedicated to all of you who have ever uttered this phrase:  “I just don’t get it”

Humans in general often struggle to accept in their lives  that which they do not, cannot, or simply will not, understand. They will then turn the thought, idea, whatever it is, over and , and then push it back  on to the original source and give it a label. Often, it’s an incorrect label. It’s one of mankind’s biggest disgraces. What we don’t understand, we criticize, because it’s the only way we can make it fit into our pretty little box.

We like to call ourselves open-minded, but in reality, very few of us really are. I myself have even fallen into this trap of labeling something as “Odd” or “Weird” that I simply could not grasp.

We will use our own upbringing, our supposed morals, or society in general, as a way to validate that label. And in doing so, we create an even bigger mess of things.

In my case, it happens to be my relationship with my ex-husband. This statement could apply to numerous other things in life, but for the purpose of this blog, we will stick with the ex-husband.

Society and history, more often than not, has taught us that there is no plausible way that two people who once loved each other enough to get married, have children, go through life together, could ever decide to STOP doing that, and still remain cordial.

As a matter of fact, society seems more than pleased with itself when the two individuals battle it out for the whole world to see. Deny it if you must, but people love  drama.

If they don’t immediately see it, they have to then create it. For some reason, other people’s drama often makes us feel better about OUR lot in life, so we kind of need it in many ways.

In my case my ex-husband and I are not only cordial, we are actually still friends. What? That simply cannot BE!!! (Insert collective cyber gasp here!!!!)

Yes. I am afraid it’s true. We are best friends technically, and I still talk to him about 3-4 days per week. Now add to your already overwhelmed brain that my current boyfriend of three years is also  friends with my ex-husband.We hang out frequently together.

I will just give you a minute to process that…

Okay, done?

Here’s the deal. My ex and I were always friends. We built our marriage on that friendship and for the most part we had 13 GOOD years. Our marriage was based on respect and friendship. There was love, sex and all that other good stuff. We also had a slew of great moments and a only handful of bad moments. We couldn’t, despite our friendship and outside counseling navigate those bad moments; so three years ago we divorced.

Now everyone has weighed in on that over the years and that’s fine.

I have always held to the belief that no one, no matter how much you think  you know about another person, ever truly knows another person completely. The same goes for couples or any relationship in general. You can view pieces of it. Snap shots if you will. And sure, you can probably accurately judge what is and what is not a great relationship. But really, at the end of the day, what goes on between two people, behind the walls of their home, is really only between those two people. The real truth lies between those two parties.

It was never easy. Divorce rarely is. Make no mistake. We weren’t dancing around in party hats under a confetti shower, but it was the decision that was made at that time.

But here’s the thing…Divorcing someone does not erase the love in the heart, the memories, or the life you built together.  I never stopped loving him as the person he was. Intelligent. Funny. Easy to talk to. He was a good husband. He was and is a great guy. He simply was no longer my guy. And people don’t “get” that. And you know what? that is okay.

None of us here on earth will ever understand, or “Get” everything that goes on in the world.

In any break up, people want a bad guy. They need to place their anger and frustration on one of the parties. And so I suppose in this one, I got the brunt of it, since I was the final decision maker. And I have taken more than my fair share of the anger and hurt from our friends and family for sure but the reality is, sometimes there is no bad guy.

Sometimes what was; no matter how good, simply ceases to be. Our job, in any circumstance whether it be a marriage, a friendship, or even a career, is to recognize that it has passed its due date, and then go about making the changes that need to occur so that everyone gets to live their best life. No matter how hard or scary those changes can be.

We can never let fear of the unknown prevent us from action.

Sometimes there is nothing to get. Sometimes a situation just IS. We can analyze it to exhaustion if we want, but at some point you have to just say it is.

There is nothing more to get. This is a decision we made. All three of us. Adults, with previous relationships under our belt. And it is working; or us.

Our way may not be your way. And that’s okay. I don’t expect or really even need you to do it our way. But for me, there was no other way. Our relationship changed. It didn’t end. And at the end of the day, all three of us are better for it.

Our unique situation and friendship has made all of us better people.

You want to see what you are really made of? Spend a few hours in a room with your ex-husband. Guess what?? All those things that drove you nuts before, while you were married… Well,  they’re still there and guess what? Now you can’t say squat about it. You turned in your “Free Nagging” pass when you signed on the dotted line. Hah!

Learning to keep my mouth shut has been the greatest gift this friendship has given me. In addition to that I now have TWO great men in my life. One who loved me once. One who loves me now. We have risen above the criticism, the jealousies, and the naysayers. Because of that  we have better, more enriched, and more well-rounded lives.

It is my humble belief that if more people did what we are trying to do the world would be a much more peaceful place. Right?

We were married. We were divorced. We have remained friends. Because we were always friends. There is nothing else to get. When you are comfortable with yourself, when you like yourself and the people in your life, then it really becomes a simple choice.

We  can only analyze something for so long before we must accept that it just is. Life is too short to waste energy trying to sort it all out. It’s too short to live your life full of doubts. Regrets. And full of hate and anger.

We only get one shot at this thing called life. Why not walk the path surrounded by a great group of eclectic people? Why not go crazy and do the unexpected? Why not look society in the face and say screw you, it can be done, it is being done, and I will show you how.

Go out and live your best life friends. And don’t let anyone else define how that life should be. It’s your picture. Color it as you see fit!

Recovering From Lies In relationships

When we are in a relationship that has experienced betrayal; recovering from that betrayal can be quite a challenge. The severity of the betrayal will play a huge part in the recovery process. Is this person sorry? How do we know if a person is truly sorry? Most importantly, will they do it again?

There are ways to recover if the person who has deceived you is ready. The unfortunate part is that the recovery is some-what dependent on the other person’s ability to face themselves and be honest. They must want a change for a change to even be an option. They must lay all of the truth on the table.

Although recovery for the liar begins by their purging of information, they have to tell everything as though they have entered a confession booth. If you feel like there is more to the story you are probably right. So make sure you follow the proper steps when confronting a liar. 

(Click here for more about confronting liars)

If they don’t want to stop their behavior we are simply beating a dead horse and it is no longer worth our time trying. The best way we can recover is to let go of the person. It would be too difficult to maintain respect for ourselves if we surround ourselves with people who do not respect us.

If the truth is not fully revealed; there will always be problems. And at that point we must walk away. It is the only way to make a full recovery and let the past be the past. It is also the only way to keep something from replaying in your head constantly. 

For signs that your partner is dishonest or hiding something click here.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Can We Understand Others Thoughts While Still Trying To Understand Our Own

The human mind has approximately 12,000 – 60, 000 thoughts a day depending on ones thinking level. Some thoughts are pure while some are not so pure. There are thoughts that are nonsense and not worth the time or energy of even thinking them. There are thoughts that bring joy, thoughts that bring pain, thoughts that bring laughter and thoughts that simply make us smile.

As people we struggle to understand those around us as well as their thought processes. We attempt to understand their lines of thinking,  just as we do our own. And sometimes, we may find ourselves being  judgmental of other people’s actions or decisions, and even more so  as we try to understand the notorious question “What were you/they thinking?”

How is it possible to understand others, when we are still trying to understand ourselves? We all have a dark side, or have all walked through dark days. Some may chose different forms of darkness, but we have all experienced the same emotions at some point through our journey. Granted, our situations may vary slightly or tremendously. However, we have all experienced loss, fear, abandonment, love, joy, pain, guilt, and shame. Unless of course, we are one of the select few in the world born with no conscience.

It would be best to say that the only person that knows a persons thought process and mindset, is that person. To try to believe otherwise, is naive. How many times have we found ourselves in situations where we overhear ourselves say out loud ” I would have never expected that out of him/her!” Truth is, perhaps they didn’t expect it out of them either.

It only takes a few bad thoughts for a few days in a row, out of 60,000 a day …. and there could be chaos.

We are all human. All born to make mistakes. Although the levels of mistake-hood may very, the lessons and consequences of our actions bring about the same emotions. To understand those around us, we must first understand ourselves.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

When We Know It & We Hear It But We Refuse To Look At It

We have all faced times where our instincts have led us to questioning. And sometimes, we may question but refuse to believe what we hear or we may flat-out ignore the other signs we observed along the way. Why do we do this?

Often times it is because we are comfortable. The known is easier to accept than the unknown. The unfortunate part of these situations is that being comfortable can stunt our growth. Being uncomfortable is what promotes change. Being uncomfortable builds passion and stirs ones ambition. Being uncomfortable, encourages one to dream and follow through.

Although there are countless scenarios to use with this saying, I will start by using a person’s drive in a relationship that is failing vs. that of a person who recently jumped off of the fence.

Example:

The couple is miserable, and can’t stand each other. They fight and disrespect one another regularly. Yet they remain somewhat attached, and dependent for various reasons. One has intentions of leaving the relationship, but fear is currently winning the race. Because this person remains comfortable, it is harder to leave. Those comforts seem hard to sacrifice. And the simple change of leaving, is overwhelming.

Now take the person that has taken the plunge. They conquered fear and they left. Suddenly, this person sees the entire world differently. Some realities flat-out stink, while others are worth taking a picture.

Out of these two people: the one who stayed in the relationship and one who left; the one who left is closer to success and happiness. Why? Because they were uncomfortable. By being homeless and giving up the comforts of their lavish home, they were given the ability to work multiple jobs, try different venues, and make a change. By being uncomfortable and facing their own demons they were able to figure out what makes them tick. And by being uncomfortable, they were able to discover their purpose.

Sometimes being uncomfortable is a good thing. It is necessary. It creates change, and restores happiness over time.

We can see the truth, hear the truth and know the truth; but we never have to believe the lies. And we should never refuse to look. 

 

 

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

The Harsh Reality of Words

The Harsh Reality of Words


Although lips are considered the most sensitive part of the human body, they can do the most damage to our bodies vital organs. The heart and the brain. Damage control can be hard to do at times. We are better off to control the strongest muscle in our body, the tongue. If we can control our tongue, we can conquer anything.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

Be Careful Who You Choose

We must be careful who we choose  as friends,  partners, companions or spouses.   

If they lie to others in front of you, they will lie to you too.

If they talk about others in front of you, they will talk about you too.

If they steal in front of you, they will steal from you too.

If they disrespect others in front of you, they will disrespect you too.

If they hide who they are from others, they will hide from you too.

If they cheat on someone to be with you, they will cheat on you too.

If they blame others for their problems, someday they will blame you.

Watch their actions and hear their words. Then decide what kind of company you would like to keep. What we watch them do to others, is often what they will someday do to us. How they speak of others is how they do or will eventually speak of us. It has proven to be true in many situations.  

If they aren’t treating others the way you would want to be treated, it may be a flag. Perhaps they are putting up a front for you? It may be time to question a few things.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerers with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Benefits Of Honesty

Lying can make people victorious initially, but it is only temporary. By being honest in all areas you will gain respect from others in the long run; which is far more admirable. It takes much strength to be honest in all situations. And  those lacking honesty; simply lack character, insight, and direction. Fear dictates their lives.

As we know the truth will be seen eventually, and those that once screamed victory from the revelation of lies; will realize they were defeated all along. They defeated themselves the moment they delivered those lies and deception. They defeated themselves by remaining in denial. And they will continue to defeat themselves until there is a realization that life is far too short, to live a lie.

When looking at the big picture one can clearly see that lying brings about failure, while remaining honest promotes success. I have seen it time and time again. My best advice to anyone that reads this; is advice that was once passed to me. “Just be honest. It may bite you at first, but eventually, others will see that what you are/were saying is real.” Once others begin to separate the truth from the lies, and the facts from the fiction;  you can experience true victory without having compromised who you are in the process.

“Stand for the truth at all times.

As liars begin to trip themselves up, you will still be standing.

It is much easier to stand; than continuing to fall.”

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.