parenting

To The Abusive Parent In Subway

I witnessed a horrific scene with my children this past weekend. As we left church, we decided to stop and eat at a local eatery. We had no idea what we would soon be witnessing; when our intentions were to just grab a quick bite to eat before their father came to pick them up.

As we stood in line I had taken notice to an unhappy woman. She was extremely disgruntled. She wore it inside and out. As her son asked her a question while standing in line she yelled at him. Next she slams him into a booth where he then jammed his index finger. He began to cry “You broke my finger” and repeated this statement as he cried. He was hurt. And I was certain it hurt, he was very small. This mother was easily ten times his size. This mother had just committed the act of child abuse on camera, and in public.

As the little boy cried for his abusive mother to pay attention to what she had just done, she turns around from ordering once again and grabs his face. She stares into his face almost nose to nose and hastily she says “I am going to beat you to death! I am going to KILL you!” I don’t want to hear another word from you!”

The boy then slides down and hides under the table sad, frightened, and all alone. My heart broke for him. I could only imagine what else she has done to him. This woman should be caged. She was a beast. No child should have to suffer any form of child abuse. Period. I could only imagine what he goes through when not in public!

My son hadn’t seen what happened as he was in the restroom. As my son walked out of the restroom he states “Mom, that little boy looks scared!” I found it interesting that at age eleven my son could pick up on it, but not the boy’s mother. Instead, she stayed absorbed in her own anger, paying no attention to her child.

The boy hid under that table with his back against the wall until his mom finished ordering.  He was afraid to move, and afraid to speak.

As his mother paid for her subs, she accused the workers of not giving her all four subs she had ordered when they were all four sitting there for everyone to see. The subs were all out in the open. As the employee explained, “You ordered four and there are four right here”, the angry woman then admits to the cashier “I have lost my mind.”  As the woman makes that comment to the worker I think to myself  “ugh…..that’s an understatement!”

Her daughter then walks over to the little boy and in the same tone you mother uses says “GET UP!” The hateful mother then turns around to her daughter and says “DO NOT EVEN SPEAK TO HIM”! The daughter whom appeared use to her hateful mother, doesn’t utter another word and walks out the door. I thought “wow, she got in trouble for sounding just like her mom. She got snipped at for becoming who her mom is teaching her to be. How sad! Those poor kids.”

As that little boy left I thought “that poor baby. If she does that here, on camera, and in public; what does she do behind closed doors? ” As this hateful woman crosses the parking lot, everyone in Subway began to discuss this event. We were all astonished. I stated, “She needs locked up!” and everyone agreed. The workers then jotted down the time of the event so the video could easily be reviewed.

This woman had serious issues. As my children witnessed this event, their first response when she left was “Thank God you are not like that mom!”

To The Abusive Parent In Subway on Sunday September 26, 2010:

I had just visited a new church. It was your church. My daughter has a friend that attends there so we went to check it out. You sat two rows over from me in the worship service. I recognized your red sweatshirt when the kids and I pulled into Subway and thought “I just saw her at church.”

I was floored to discover that within 5-10 minutes of leaving a worship service you wanted to kill your child or beat him to death. What is wrong with you? You are 10 times his size. Where does this come from? What exactly is your problem? You need serious professional help. You anger and furry is destroying your child’s life.

Find the root of that anger you carry, and fix it. No child should have to suffer from child abuse as your little boy did today. Instilling fear in him doesn’t mean he will respect you, or even love you when he grows up. It is your way to feel you have control over something to treat him this way, and it is most likely because you have lost all control in other areas of your life.

Mistreating him as you do should revoke your license as a mother. You do not deserve such an honorable title. In a case such as this, you were only an incubator. How dare you take advantage of your position as a parent? How dare you take it for granted? There are people spending thousands to have the title mother, and there are people like you that do not deserve it. It makes me sick. How do you look at yourself? How do you put up such a front in church, and then act so foolish as soon as you leave the building? You are one of the reasons, many will not attend a church. It is filled with others like you. And many are better off to worship from home than to face such hypocrisy.

I hope that boy gets removed from your custody. And I hope you also realize your daughter speaks to him, and others,  just as you have taught her to: with haste.

In the time I was visiting Subway, I didn’t see him doing anything out of the ordinary. I saw a kid asking his mom something. I saw a kid that feared your abuse. I saw a kid hiding under a table wishing he was leaving the store with a real mom  that loved him instead of leaving with you.

As you walked away you said “Get up, now lets go tell your dad what you did” in your hateful voice.

Instead of telling your husband what your son did; why don’t you go tell a psychologist, law enforcement, and CPS  what you did? Admit yourself somewhere! You should be in an institution. You should admit you have a serious problem, and fix yourself. Your son did nothing out of the ordinary. Nor did your daughter. If anything, they are doing what you teach them. And from what I saw, you want them to see you have control.

Your speaking to your daughter that way, exhibited your control issues. Why is it that you have the right to tell her not to talk to your son which is in turn her brother? Just because you hate him, doesn’t mean you can force your daughter to. You are sick, and truly do have some serious control issues. And I doubt I am the first to tell you this.

You will die a lonely, hateful, and miserable woman if you continue this path you are on. I will pray for you, but I will pray more for that little boy and girl. God will protect him, and hopefully the law will too.

It’s people like you who make the world a dark place. It is people like you who cause children to need intense therapy as they grow and mature. It is people like you who raise dysfunctional adults. It is someone like you, who probably would kill their child. You are insane.

It is people like you; that someone like myself  simply can’t stand to be near. Your negativity sucks people dry. And surely, I hope you get a grip. It is embarrassing that someone like you lives in this town. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Want To Know How To Raise An Honest Child?

100_8126Did you know that the biggest reason adults lie is because as a child they were unable to communicate with their parents or guardians? As children, these lying adults were unable to freely express who they were without fear of judgment or punishment.

Most adult liars were children raised to perform to a particular parents standards, and as a result they have had trouble coming in to who they are. They grew up in a home where free thinking was frowned upon. 

Growing up in such an environment, the child felt a need to lie to keep a parent happy. And because the child feared disappointment or disapproval from his/her parents,  the child then began a pattern of lying that would take years to correct, if ever.

To raise a truth-seeking honest child:

Be honest with your child, and yourself – Children learn what they live. If we expect them to be honest, we must be honest. If a child sees a parent lying that child will not only lose respect, but pick up on the habit. He/she will think “Hey, they got away with it and it made their life easier. It will work for me too!”

Respect who your child is – As parents we have ideas in our mind as to who our kids will be. Sometimes, we live vicariously through them. It is important that we respect who our children are. Perhaps they don’t want to be on the state championship bound football team. Or perhaps they have decided to pursue another form of religion. Whatever it may be; by not respecting their thoughts and feelings, it teaches them to hide it from you in fear of disapproval.

Respect the truth – It takes a lot of courage for children (in some instances) to tell the truth on certain topics. When they do tell the truth, instead of lashing out on them we should show respect for that truth. By lashing out, they learn to close up more and say less. 

Speak the truth – By speaking the truth ourselves and standing up for what we feel is right, our children will naturally begin to as well. If they watch us cower in the corner with every confrontation life brings, and if they watch us being used as doormats for other people then they lose respect. 

Live the  truth – We can tell our children what is right, but if we aren’t living a just life they will see through the charade. We must be honest in all areas of our life if we expect our children to be. 

Promote the truth – We have a rule in our home that the truth bears no punishment. It isn’t to say that there will be no consequences or repercussions, however they will not be punished for being honest. 

Encourage passion – Find something that your child is passionate about where he/she learns to use their voice. Whether it be speaking on animal rights, citizens rights, or student council encourage him/her to be passionate about what they think or feel. Our best leaders in this world were once taught to be passionate, and to find their voice. When they found that voice, they used it. And because of that, they changed the world.

Do Not React – When your child is sharing something about his or her peers do not allow them to see your reaction, shock, or anger as to what they are saying. Do not force them to stop talking to people who make bad decisions. Instead teach them how to make their own good decisions regardless of their company. Reacting will only shut them down and prevent you from knowing what is going on with their friends in the future.

The biggest thing that I have seen with children who lie regularly to their parents is that their parents are really overbearing. Especially those who only have one child and nothing to compare it to. They have a hard time accepting that their child is not them, and that they are their own person.

We can either adopt these items listed above or have a dishonest and unruly teenager when that time comes. And as for me and my house, we will continue to promote honesty and free thinking. So far, so good here!

Spoiled Children & The Parents Who Steal Their Drive

If we give our children everything that they want, what else is there for them to work for? By giving them everything they want or think they need, we begin building a strong foundation for co-dependency. And this co-dependency may follow them for their entire life.

When I look around at different parent child relationships throughout the course of my life I see many things. In families where the child has been given everything, adulthood is difficult for them. With every snag in the line these adult children are calling their parents for help. These once spoiled young children, are now co-dependent adults that have a very hard time standing on their own feet.

When I look at people who had what would be considered a less pampered childhood, there is more success. These people who have fought their way to the top, have done it because up was the only way left to go. They had nothing. They had no one. They realized they could only count on themselves. By not having much, they were given more drive.

There is a remarkable difference when comparing the lives of children who were given it all, and children who had to fight for what they wanted. As adults it is the difference of what most consider to be success or failure, or better yet “sinking, or swimming.”

As we continue to raise our children, let us remember that they do not need everything everyone else has. Nor do children need everything they want. Why have a life full of costly activities when they would be just as content coloring a picture, playing a board game, or making a craft and spending quality time together? They also don’t need the latest sneakers or clothing, because in 6 months it will not fit them anyway.

When we spoil our children we are stealing their drive. We are teaching them that they do not have to work so hard, and that we will “get it” for them. Do we really want them still coming at 40 asking for help with car payments, mortgages, etc.? Or do we want to raise them to be independent and successful?


Children learn what they live. Question is, what exactly are we teaching this next generation? Children are as simple or as high maintenance as we teach them to be.


The Only Way To Truly Be Happy

I noticed this year when preparing for my daughter’s birthday party that I was not stressed at all. Everything was done way ahead of time. It was perfect!

When I reflected over the last few years of throwing social gatherings as a single mom, I realized they were all enjoyable. Stress free. No bickering. Just enjoying the day, living in the moment, and embracing life.

When I was married, parties were quite different. I would be mad that I didn’t have anyone to help me set up, or that he forgot the ice cream at the store. I would be mad if the grill wasn’t fired on time, or if he wasn’t there to watch the kids opening presents. By counting on someone other than myself, I was only setting myself up for disappointment. Which then led to a series of other emotions.

We all wander around aimlessly in hopes to obtain that ultimate happiness. When in reality, happiness is quite simple. The trick is to never count on anyone! Although this may harsh, shallow, or cruel, it is the absolute truth. When we rely on others, we become disappointed. When we become disappointed next comes hurt, anger, frustration, among many other things.

When I began to compare this scenario to other times in life where disappointment has been a factor, along with anger, frustration etc., the answer was still the same. “Don’t count on anybody but yourself, and you will have nothing to complain about.”

Being Married To An Alcoholic Can Mean Divorcing Yourself

Being married to an alcoholic is challenging. As if marriage isn’t tough enough, we find ourselves facing an illness that can be life threatening.

As spouses we want to believe that there is hope, and that the behavior is something we can correct. We believe the if we do certain things, say certain things, avoid situations, and act a certain way it will change the alcoholics mindset. We think that if we avoid alcohol itself that it will help. After all, if we drink they will want to drink. So we avoid it all together. We try everything to prevent drinking episodes and fight like hell to understand the disease, its causes, and its effects.

(One of the biggest mistakes we make; is thinking we can control the fate of the disease.)

It is hard to maintain an upbeat spirit and our identity when dealing with an alcoholic on a daily basis. Often times we lose sight of ourselves and eventually, as we find ourselves again we find the courage to walk away.

The hardest part of dealing with a spouse who suffers from alcoholism is accepting the reality that we can’t change them. It does not matter what we do, they are who they are. They will lie to us, and they will deceive. Trust will be hard to restore.

The battle of dealing with an alcoholic you love can be just as bad as having the disease itself.

Some alcoholics hide it well. They come off as hardworking, well liked, and social. Others can come across as laid back and quiet. These are usually the ones who can’t maintain their alcohol and become violent. It can be quite dangerous. They can’t hear our crying and pleading for them to get help, instead they dive deeper into the drinking and begin to resent the one suggesting they seek help. They are in their own world, and only those who accommodate their disease are welcomed.

Alcoholics are on a road to self-destruction. Until they reach a dead-end they will not realize that they need help. They will continue to surround themselves with people who make them feel justified in their behavior. Someone who says “Oh you had a bad day? Want to have a drink?” will soon be their best friend. They feel this person understands. What this person has done is opened another door and allowed the alcoholic to do even more damage. They have just become the rescuer.

Alcoholism is a painful disease to watch. We never know what will come next. A new injury, more vomit, a new place he/she passed out, another fight, a D.U.I., a social mishap, or a new hole in a wall or door.

When living with an alcoholic you are truly the only one who knows the extent of the disease and can often vouch for the fact that you never know what their mood will be. Sometimes even the slightest things can set them off. It is Jeckel and Hyde. They are critical of others because they feel bad about themselves. They are out of control. They have lost sight of who they are. As a result they can become controlling, and abusive.

When we love an alcoholic it can be debilitating. They can not see the pain they cause. Sometimes we just have to let go because it becomes too depressing to watch and live with. At that point all we can do is pray for the best results.

Until people want to change, there will be no change. And if their disease is causing you to lose who you are and what you believe in, it is time to let go. It is not worth losing you too!

For more information about contributing to your loved ones disease  click here.

How To Have And Maintain A Healthy Relationship With Your Children

Although I am not a certified professional in this area, my life experience takes me beyond what any fresh graduate in psychology would know. For I have 7 sisters, and 3 children of my own. I can say for certain that a parents relationship with each and every child is different, and unique.

I have spent years observing the parent child relationships and the differences of perspectives on parents by children who were all reaised within the same household.  It is amazing to see how much perception  varies from child to child. Although children have the same parent providing the same things in the exact same environments, the  children still  have different memories and perceptions of that parent.

While one may remember a parent to be hardworking, one may remember laziness. One child may remember a happy parent, while one remembers them disgruntled. One may remember a parent to be a liar, and another child within that same home and upbringing may remember that parent to be a liar. It varies from family to family, but nonetheless we all remember things differently.

Each child will carry their own issues to adulthood  if they are not tended to in the earlier years. It is important that we as parents are aware of how to not only create a healthy relationship with our children; but keep it healthy for years to come. There are steps we can take early on to promote a lifetime of happiness with our children, even as they mature and become adults themselves.
Steps To Maintaining That Healthy Relationship:

Communication

In any relationship communication is important. It is crucial that our children always remain comfortable telling us anything. With that being said, it is imperative that we do not cast judgment on what they say, and that we truly listen. They are their own person. They are not who we want them to be. They are who they were created to be. Often times children quit speaking if a parent exhibits controlling behavior. If they can’t tell us the little things, they will never tell us the big things. So stay calm, and just listen. They will always come back if you do.

Equality

It is important not to show favoritism, and treat all children fairly. If you are attending events that are important to one child you should be attending events important to the other children as well. By not having equality it is causing the children feeling that are feeling more left out to have less faith in themselves. Therefor lowering their self-esteem, which can have a huge impact on their teenage and adult years.

Support

It is important to show support in anything they do. Even if you think it is the craziest thing you have ever heard of. By being negative about their choices, you are pushing them away from you. Get down on their level, and try to see things as they see it. If they have an interest in something, help them peruse it. If they need someone to extinguish their flame, there are plenty of people in the world to do that. If they are on fire with enthusiasm, burn with them. Being enthusiastic and having drive, is a good thing!

Apologize

There is nothing better for a child or even adult child to see, than a parent apologize when they are wrong. We are not perfect, and we will make mistakes. It is important that we do not sweep things under the rug, and pretend as though we know nothing about what happened. It is OK to apologize to your children if you need to. They understand just as everyone understands, that we are doing the best we can. It’s not like a “How To” guide comes out with the child or even in the afterbirth.

Keep Your Word

Do not make promises you can’t keep. Instead teach them that your word is who you are.

Tough Love

This is a hard thing for any parent, but often necessary. To prevent a co-dependent relationship it must be enforced. Make them work for what they want, and do not bail them out of every situation. By doing this, you are enabling them to repeat the behavior. They will repeat the same mistakes until they learn, and bailing them out only teaches them one thing: not to count on themselves.

Pray

We may have a plan for our children and the direction they go in life, but God likely has one that is completely different. Pray for your children to make wise choices, and to become good people. Pray for them to yield to His plan for their life.

There aren’t exactly any true tests in parenting until the child reaches the age of18. To know how well you have done is only answered when the child does one of two things; sinks or swims. It is vital for their health and the health of our relationship with them that we prepare them in all areas of life to promote healthy adult relationships in their life. It all begins with communication. However it can also end from the lack of such.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerers with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Co-dependent Personalities & Raising Co-Dependent Children

Co-dependent personalities usually refer to life as black, or white. There is no in between. It is harder for them to see others view points, and they tend to create their own reality. A co-dependent person may often value other’s opinions over their own, compromising their own values and integrity to avoid rejection. They sometimes dress sloppy, or in baggy clothes, and even in tighter skimpy clothes, displaying their issues with self-image.

The problem with co-dependent relationship within a family, is that we adapt our feelings and boundaries as theirs. We do not like to see them making bad choices, in pain etc., so we try to control it. It can become something that eventually controls where they work, live, who they marry, meaning all major decisions are dominated, by us.

People with co-dependent personalities:

•Need to be needed

• Are  people pleasers

• Are controlling

• Afraid To Be Alone

• Mistrust others

• Are Perfectionists

• Avoid their feelings

• Excessive caretakers

• Hypervigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat or danger)

• Often they attract needy dependent people

• Downplay their own feelings, to the point that they may not even know how they feel

• Have trouble making decisions

• Do not feel they’re lovable

• Put their own interests and hobbies aside to please others

• Are excessively loyal (even staying in abusive relationships)

• Do not ask others to meet their needs

Do You Have A Co-Dependent Relationship With Your Child?

As parents, we need to say “no” to doing tasks that foster immaturity and dependence in adult children; such as, doing their laundry, cleaning up after them, helping them with their bills, providing them with shelter (as adults), etc. It is important to learn to be separate individuals and teach them to take care of their own needs.

We need to teach our children how to tackle problems in relationships or in life, not take care of the problems for them. They need to grow up and be able to have healthy, mature, adult love relationships.  If we do things for our grown children beyond what is age appropriate, we lower their self-esteem and actually stop them from growing up.

When you are co-dependent you are enmeshed with family members’ emotional boundaries and you treat them as extensions of yourself. Therefore, you do not want to see them in pain, uncomfortable, making unwise choices, or unhappy. You try to be the one in control. You aim to fix them or their situations to be what you think is right, and good for them. You fail to see the long-term damage you are causing, you think you are only helping them.

Extreme co-dependency involves subtle control over your adult children’s choices of colleges, career, place of residency, religion, and choice of marriage partners. Over all, you dominate their decision-making abilities. Secretly you feel safe, secure, and loved when others need you and depend on you. It makes you feel important and gives your life meaning because you do not have your own life fully understood and integrated.

Co-dependency use to only be talked about in families where there was alcoholism, or drug addictions. Now, they are linking it to dysfunctional families in general. And lets face it, all families are dysfunctional. Some are just better at admitting it than others.

Co-dependent Personality Disorder is a dysfunctional relationship with the self characterized by living through or for another, attempts to control others, blaming others, a sense of victimization, attempts to “fix” others, and intense anxiety around intimacy. It is very common in people raised in dysfunctional families, and in the partners and children of alcoholics and addicts.  Most chemical dependency treatment centers now also offer treatment for Co-dependency. (definition extracted from http://www.mdjunction.com)                                                                                                                                                                                  

 

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.                                                                    

Walking In Other People’s Shadows

I remember having my children outside in their younger years as they began to walk. All three of them, at a young ages, were afraid of shadows. It didn’t matter if it was yours, mine, or theirs, they were afraid. As the sun beat down allowing their shadows to appear, they ran. And they cried! They tried so hard to get away from any  shadows, yet the shadows still remained. Shadows would inevitably follow them wherever they went. As long as there was light, there would be a shadow.

Recently, a close friend of mine, stated that she felt as though she were walking in my shadow. She is only steps away from beginning the difficult journey of single parenting.  She watches me, she listens to my cares and worries, and she asks my advice. I tell her the truth, the cold hard truth, it’s not a decision to make without knowing the reality of being a single parent.

When pondering her comment “I feel like I’m walking in your shadow” I realized, shadows aren’t a bad thing. It’s the sun’s way of letting us know what is really there. It is reflection of us, who we are, where we are going, and what we are doing. They can serve as a guide for the weary of heart, and motivation for others to create their own shadow, instead of walking in someone elses. If there were never a shadow for us to walk in at some point in our life, our fear would consistently bind us.

A shadow, is just another way to see the sun.

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerers, 2009-2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Single Moms vs. Wannabe’s


I hear the term single mom often; it is  my life. There is a sense of pride with the title, along with a sense if shame. Most of us intended to raise our children with a partner.  However, for various reasons it didn’t work out. So here we are, truly single and raising children.

When I was married I often said “I’m a single mom with a marriage license.”  I felt very alone and single when it came to rearing the children. He would often come home from work late and the kids were already bathed and in bed. The norm was for the kids to see their dad on Sundays.

When it came to their schooling, doctor’s visit’s, sports activities etc.; it was all me. I did everything but pay the bills and felt I had a right to call myself a single mom. Now I realize, I did not have that right. Nor do other married people who say such a thing. We each played a valuable role, but by falling into traditional gender roles we in time lost respect for one another.

The truth is; A single mom lives alone. She works as many jobs as she needs. She refuses to fail. She refuses to live under someone’s thumb.  She has respect for herself. She will not allow to fear to dictate her life. She is the nurturer, the protector, and the provider. She is an inspiration to those that are miserable and to those who are waiting to take the leap.

She is often judged by catty pampered women, and not respected as much as she should be. She is discriminated against often, but each day she rises again. And each day she succeeds one more time because he is determined. She finds herself doing things she has never done before. She has a strength that can not be explained, and a strength she didn’t know she had.

At least this single mom does anyway….

© Angela Bininger and The Empowerer, 2009-2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this websites author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Angela Bininger and The Empowerer with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Design On A Dime, & Have Fun With The Children At The Same Time

Having trouble finding artwork that coördinates with your color scheme? Are the kids ready to do something different? Are the same old family activities becoming boring? Would they be interested in taking part in designing a space in the home? This is an extremely cheap  but fun way to decorate any space. A definite  penny-pinching family activity!

Find the colors you want for your space then give the children the paper, brushes,  and paint. Have them begin their masterpiece. Sit down with them and paint one yourself. It is a fun time to bond, learn more about one another, and you have something hanging on the wall at the end to remind you about that bonding moment.

This  will liven up any room, and add a ton of character. The kids will truly enjoy this activity, and will proudly display their framed work in any area of the home.

THIS IS AN EXCELLENT GIFT IDEA FOR MOM’S, DAD’S,  AND GRANDPARENTS!! THEY WILL CHERISH IT!

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